Alright, after a weekend without campaigning here for my fake run for the provincial legislature under the banner of The Bridal Shower Party, my fake independent political party, I’m back with some more promises that are sure to get me elected. Even though I’m not really running.
Today’s promise: A new Scarlett Letter
That’s right, kids. If I get even a modicum of power in this province, I’ll be pushing for a cleansing of sorts. I’ll establish a posse comitatus whose main purpose is to quell noise in this province. It will be a two-tiered system of Quietess. First, is The Scarlett Letter Campaign: a certain number of trusted civilians in the province will be given paintball guns. They will be free to shoot, with a bright red paint ball, anyone who is deemed to be causing excessive noise. Harley motorbikes, muscle cars, drunken late-night muscle-heads all will be at risk. If you get shot with a paint ball gun, it’s your notice to Quiet The Hell Down!! If, after the initial Red Scarlett Letter Paintball has hit you, you remain noisy, then you are at risk and subject to Phase Two: The Provincial Rubber Bulleting. A certain number of citizens will be equipped with scoped rifles and a supply of rubber bullets. They will be authorized to shoot anyone who is emblazoned with a Red Scarlett Letter Paintball blast and is still deemed to be too noisy. We’ll make sure these rubber bullets hurt like hell.
If this doesn’t shut them up, then I don’t know what.
Don’t make me come up with a Phase Three, people!!
This island is, for better or worse, known as The Gentle Island. Vote for me and I’ll make it The Quiet Island.