It’s pretty sad when “better than pleasant” is the best that Paula “I think your farts sound cute, but you know I love you” Abdul can summon up in terms of high praise.
*shudder* I had a nightmare last night that Gloria Estafan was the guest judge for American Idol, and the ‘kids’ had to sing her shitty songs. *shudder*
I’ll tell you right off that I missed the first 30 minutes of American Idol last night. Truth be told, I kinda wish I missed the whole thing. My god, how bland. Still, I’ll critique the first three performers, even though I didn’t see them. Except for the brief 4 second recap at the end of the show.
First up:
Jennifer Hudson…No wait. She got voted out of the competition. Before Crooner John.
First up, Fantasia…another upbeat number, forcing audience participation. I’m guessing her voice irritated those who don’t like her, and even those who were firmly in her camp are starting to lose faith. So profoundly did last week’s vote shake things up. She dedicated her performance to Jennifer Hudson, I hear. I didn’t even know she was sick.
Next, George Huff…his facial expressions are getting more and more animated. I wonder if Pixar is secretly behind the lovable cuddly that is George Huff. His singing, I gather, hasn’t recovered from his two week slide into uh oh. I predict next week George blows the socks off America. He is so due. This week wasn’t strike three. Rather a foul ball into the opposition team’s dugout.
Then, LaToya Jackson…from the 4 second recap, I couldn’t tell how she performed, so I’ll guess. LaToya was okay. If I was feeling randy, I might even say she was aaiight. Wait…just a sec…hyuughhhggh… hyuughhggh… those were dry heaves. I just re-read the part of the sentence where I wrote “feeling Randy”. Hyuughhggh… I declare, sight unseen and sound unheard, LaToya’s performace Dry Toast.
Fourth, Crooner John… Hyuuughhggh. Let me don my too-tight white t-shirt, red pants, goatee and an attitude so that I can say: Worst. Singing. Ever.
For the love of god, Humanity, vote this schlepp off the island!
Fifth, Hawaiin Girl…batting .333 is great in baseball. But when you only hit one out of every three notes. You’re off the team! Or, in America’s mind, You’re in the Top Three! To be fair, those one-in-three-correct notes she did manage, she hit them out of the park! And wasn’t that flower cute. Awwww! Jasmine, you know how much Paula loves you. She loves you enough to lie to you that you have a good, strong voice. Awwww!
Sixth, Diana LaGuardia… I remember when Diana was this >
The Annekenstein Monster 