There was a time in Prince Edward Island’s recent history when local newspaper The Guardian was an undisputed heartbeat of the community, and Anne of Green Gables: The Musical was one of the primary engines of our tourism. In those days, “local journalism” was a vibrant, living thing, even if it occasionally felt like it was running on autopilot.
Every year, after the opening of yet another Confederation Centre Charlottetown Festival season, our damp and dew-like morning newspaper rushed to print a “brand new” review of the show. To those of us watching closely, these reviews seemed curiously interchangeable with those of years gone by. They followed a predictable formula: heaping praise on the same production highlights with little-to-no negative criticism, year after year.
Today, things are different. Modern Charlottetown Festival productions (now biennial) of Anne have made conscious efforts to detach themselves from the “sameness” of the past, attempting to bring fresh energy to the stage. And, sadly, with the decline of the voices of local writers and the shrinking footprint of traditional newsrooms, the idea of a “local newspaper” often feels more like wishful thinking than our present-day reality.
But wouldn’t it be nice to be reminded of those days again? As a tribute to that era of PEI history—and the predictable prose it produced—I’ve dusted off a piece of satire I wrote years ago. I presented it then as a time-saving “Reuseable Review” for The Guardian – an annual time, money and staff-saving fill-in-the-blanks template, complete with the unintentional spelling and grammatical quirks that made our local rag so “authentic.”
The Anne of Green Gables Reusable Review
[Choose one headline]:
- “Same Anne As Last Year, Only Better”
- “Same Anne As Last Year, Only This Year”
- “Top Notch Perfofmances Highlight Anne”
- “Liberals Claim Road Jobs As Tory Patronage and Anne Delights Crowds”
- “Anne of Green Gables Concert Enjoyed By All”
Last night’s opening night perfofmance of Anne of Green Gables last night marked the beguining off the [insert season number]th season of Canada’s Favourite Muscle at the Confederation Centre. By the thunderous standing ovation it received by the packed house that were up there on its feet clapping and standing, it seems we loved the red-headed orphan as much as, if not as more than, as ever.
The young woman, [Insert actress name], who played, Anne Shirley and she suited the role perfectly. [Insert actress first name], who studded musical dance and acting in [insert Upper Canada city name], was thoroughly believable as the sprightly young orphan, especially in the second act, Act Two where she was even more so. When she matured, she has a magnificient sinking voice.
Off the other perfofmances, despite being no longer alive, Elizabeth Mawson once again would have shone in the roll of Marilla. It is be hard to imagine anyone else other but than Elizabeth Mawson playing the role of Elizabeth Mawson played for so long, yet [actor playing Marilla] preformed admiralty.
Matthew was [‘again’, if applicable] played by [insert actor name] and he instantly douched the members of all the audience in the heart with his gently, warm, and humorous portrayal of the kindling, soft-spoken man. I did thought, however, that [Matthew actor last name] did occasionally tend to go for the laughs a few two many times, suck as wipping the dirt off of his boots and and, while funny, this sometimes took away from the dramatic of the play.
And that [name of actor playing Diana Barry] so charmingly playded Bosom Busty Diana Barry is testament to the belief that Glenda Landry is not too old to still play the role.
My one miner disappointment, one I seem to make every sumner, would half to be with the actor who played Gilbert, [insert actor name]. While he is a very compotent dancer, I felt his acting wasn’t as strong as was his dancing was, but he did have a very good job, nonetheless.
A special nog must go out to Island actress [insert actress name] who played [insert name of Lady of Avonlea character]. She did a terrific job with her line, and make us all proud of her to be an Islander from PEI.
The sets and costumes never looked bitter any year before than they did last night’s. It was expertly directed by [insert name of choreographer], who kept the pace lively and fats-packed. By the looks of lat’s night show, and if they are any indignation, we still have a very special thing here. Anne of Green Gables is a show that should make Islanders, and Canadians alike, proud to be Islanders.
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Correction: In yesterday’s preview article antitled “Anne Comes On Stage Tonight”, we mistakenly identified the character of ‘Diana Barry’ as ‘a giant blueberry.’ We regret the error and the confusion it caused the berry farming community.
The Annekenstein Monster 