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I really get bugged when I hear/see conclusions that are taken out of context, or that are useless to begin with.

For instance, the report that came out today or yesterday that links soft drinks to diabetes. Now, the easy headline is/will be “SODA KILLS” or some such thing. What has been failed to be noted, however, is the rather crazy basis on which these results are based:

The study shows that women who drank one or more sugary drinks a day had an 83 percent greater chance of developing type 2 diabetes than women who drank less than one a month. The study shows that over a four-year period, weight gain was highest among women who increased their soda consumption from one or fewer drinks a week to one or more a day.

So, here is the comparison: those who drink one or more sugary drinks a day, compared to those who drink less than one a month. Is this a fair comparison? Doesn’t that seem like a foregone-conclusion-waste-of-time comparison? Doesn’t that sound like parameters that would pretty much guarantee a result like the one found?

It’s like saying: Those who travel to New York City 36 times a year have a greater likelihood of being murdered in New York City than those who only travel to New York City once a year. Also, being victim to New York City muggings was highest amongst those who dramatically increased the number of New York City trips per year that they took.

Yet all we get is the pronouncement: Travelling to New York City linked to being murdered.

Conclusions are so easy.

Blair was on GMA, advocating ‘hot saucing’ as an effective means of disciplining children. I had never heard of the term, or the practice. It is the practice of putting a small amount of hot sauce on a child’s tongue as a form of punishment or discipline.
Truth be told, when I read “hot saucing” in the headline, I clicked on the link because I thought it was a type of sexual activity, like tea bagging. I assumed that Lisa Welchel was caught hot saucing children. I was simultaneously glad and upset that it wasn’t the case.

I am not a fan of corporal punishment as a means to control children. I assume I am lucky to be of that mind because we have a child who never needed anything stronger than verbal communication and the understanding of who was in charge in the household. If he was a hellian, perhaps my opinion would now be different.

In any event, the biggest detriment (besides all that psychological and physical torture stuff) is that it will cause hot-sauced children to dislike spicy foods.

I never liked Blair.

Blair was on GMA, advocating ‘hot saucing’ as an effective means of disciplining children. I had never heard of the term, or the practice. It is the practice of putting a small amount of hot sauce on a child’s tongue as a form of punishment or discipline.
Truth be told, when I read “hot saucing” in the headline, I clicked on the link because I thought it was a type of sexual activity, like tea bagging. I assumed that Lisa Welchel was caught hot saucing children. I was simultaneously glad and upset that it wasn’t the case.

I am not a fan of corporal punishment as a means to control children. I assume I am lucky to be of that mind because we have a child who never needed anything stronger than verbal communication and the understanding of who was in charge in the household. If he was a hellian, perhaps my opinion would now be different.

In any event, the biggest detriment (besides all that psychological and physical torture stuff) is that it will cause hot-sauced children to dislike spicy foods.

I never liked Blair.

I really get bugged when I hear/see conclusions that are taken out of context, or that are useless to begin with.

For instance, the report that came out today or yesterday that links soft drinks to diabetes. Now, the easy headline is/will be “SODA KILLS” or some such thing. What has been failed to be noted, however, is the rather crazy basis on which these results are based:

The study shows that women who drank one or more sugary drinks a day had an 83 percent greater chance of developing type 2 diabetes than women who drank less than one a month. The study shows that over a four-year period, weight gain was highest among women who increased their soda consumption from one or fewer drinks a week to one or more a day.

So, here is the comparison: those who drink one or more sugary drinks a day, compared to those who drink less than one a month. Is this a fair comparison? Doesn’t that seem like a foregone-conclusion-waste-of-time comparison? Doesn’t that sound like parameters that would pretty much guarantee a result like the one found?

It’s like saying: Those who travel to New York City 36 times a year have a greater likelihood of being murdered in New York City than those who only travel to New York City once a year. Also, being victim to New York City muggings was highest amongst those who dramatically increased the number of New York City trips per year that they took.

Yet all we get is the pronouncement: Travelling to New York City linked to being murdered.

Conclusions are so easy.

I was just informed, by email, that I won a million Euros in some draw that I wasn’t even aware I had entered. How lucky are my stars!? It’s called the Microsoft Lottery. Since it’s from Microsoft, it’s gotta be legit, so I’m pretty stoked right now.

According to the email, they’ve deposited my lump sum one million Euros in the lottery’s paying out bank in the Netherlands. All I need to do is email a Mr. Harvey Kurt with information as to which of my bank accounts I’d like the money transferred to. His email address is: microsoftclaim04@netscape.net

Wait a second. @netscape.net? Why would an employee of a Microsoft Lottery have a netscape.net email address? Something’s fishy here, but what it is, I’m not —

Oh man, is this spam? Have I been duped?

One good thing about Canada not winning many of the competitions in Athens is that we are not subjected to what I think is perhaps the worst rendition of O Canada I’ve ever heard. I heard it twice on Sunday, and both times I was sure it was being played live by a junior-high school band that had a couple of jack-ass students whose goal was to sabotage the song. It seems like it changes keys a couple of times, there are a couple of times when sounds and noises show up that just don’t sound like they should be there.

Still, I hope we hear it a few more times this week.

I enjoy a good ad. And one that I’ve seen a few times now, and that I’m liking more and more each time, is for Stella Artois beer.

Starts with some WW1 troops arriving home to a small French village. A bruised, battered, injured young soldier is gregariously greeted by the community, especially his loving father, who owns a tavern. Along with the young man is another soldier, who appears to be a stranger to the town. Both look like they’ve been through a World War One hell.

All the dialogue is in French, so (unless one speaks French) one kind of pieces together what’s going on. As they all triumphantly gather in the tavern, the young man tells the adventure of how this other soldier singlehandedly saved the young man. The other soldier appears to be a humble sort.

The father, overcome with emotion, demands a toast to the two soldiers, and pours them wine.

“No, papa,” says (in French) the young man. “This deserves Stella Artois”. (or to that affect) The father is ever-so-subtly, slightly taken aback, and with a barely-reluctant nod, agrees. It is apparent that the other soldier is greatly anticipating this drink.

The father pulls a draught of Stella Artois into a big glass and joyously hands it to his son. Everyone cheers. The father gives the other soldier a look and puts another glass under the tap. Pulls the handle and nothing but foam spurts out.

Apologizing, the father says they’re all out of Stella Artois, and the other soldier looks lost.

Cut to under the bar, and we see the father take his foot off the hose that leads to the beer tap. He had deliberately stopped the flow of beer for the second glass.

As everyone, except the other soldier, excitedly continues on, the Stella Artois end-tag picture comes up.

—————–
I love this ad for a few reasons. First that it expects its audience to be able to understand what is going on, even though it’s in French. They don’t resort to subtitles.
Also, I appreciate the subversiveness, with the father purposefully denying the soldier a drink.
It trusts that the audience will pay attention enough to make the (slight) effort it takes to understand the concept.

Good ad.

I know, I know, another friggin’ Sketch post. But, it’s all I have right now.
So, last night’s audience for Sketch 22 was our biggest yet. We had to stand back stage because they took our chairs to give to paying customers. I gotta say it feels real nice to be part of this show.

Yesterday, driving to the show, I was going over my lines. Specifically, the lines I speak at the end of the show. It’s a monologue that is supposed to tie the show together somewhat, before we all burst into the big finale song number. I don’t know if the monologue works, artistically, but it is what it is. The last couple of shows, the monologue was getting a bit rote.
So, as I was driving to the show, going over my lines to see if I could find different inflections in words or whatever, to freshen it up, I began to do them in a different voice. Those who have seen me do improv know the first ‘different voice’ I’ll go to is my infamous German Nazi Interrogator, pinched and high-pitched voice. (In improv shows, it was always an unwritten challenge between Matt and myself who would be the first to get to do the German Voice.) So, in the car, I began doing the lines in that voice.

It felt good. Real good. So I decided I’d perform the lines like that during the show that night. Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone I was going to do it. I hoped to throw the rest of the cast off guard and get them to laugh.

As soon as I decided I’d do it, I chickened out. Nah, it wouldn’t be fair to spring this on them. I wouldn’t be able to keep the voice up for the whole monologue. It might ruin the ending of the show. It was too indulgent…. On the other hand, I might get the guys to laugh on stage. It would at least veer the scene in an interesting direction. What to do? I probably changed my mind a dozen times…

…right up to the moment when I was about to start speaking that monologue. Even as I drew in my breath to say the first word, I was unsure if I’d do it. Leading up to it, I was nervous and my heart was beating fast as I kept trying to talk myself into doing it. Breath in…the word (the word is “Sometimes…”) comes out… it sounds German to me…so I commit to it and do the monologue in a ridiculous German accent.

Matt and Andrew are the first to laugh. Matt’s head goes down into his chest, Andrew turns his back to the audience. I laugh a bit at them laughing, but regain my composure. I believe I get Josh to laugh a couple of times, by changing the lines to something more apropos to what a German would say. Graham, though, is a tough nut to crack, I can see. He wavered a couple of times, but I can’t definitively say whether I got him to laugh, to break character. If I pushed the issue, I’m sure I could have gotten him. But just at the moment when I could toss my best pitch to him, I softballed him. I let him off the hook.

Of course, I didn’t consider that, if I started the monologue as the German, I’d have to end the scene as the German, too. And that included the big finale song that ends the show. I toughed it through, though, and sang the song with that ridiculous German accent. I’m sure the audience was befuddled.

So, now, with only three shows left, I’m afraid I’ve opened Pandora’s Box. The Corpsing Glove has been slapped against the faces of my fellow actors and the game, I’m sure, is on. Now it’ll be a mug-fest, an avalanche of accents, a litany of new lines, all meant to get the others to laugh. Unfortunately for me, I’ve shot my wad.

How about this boys: First to laugh on stage buys the culprit’s eggrolls after the show?

Four, count’em 4 nights of comedy.

Thursday and Friday are the final two regularly scheduled performances of Sketch 22. The show has been consistently selling out the past few weeks, so if you plan to go, go early and get your tickets. Doors open each night at 7pm.
The ARTS Guild does take reservations (even though we tell them not to) that are basically meaningless. Reserving through the ARTS Guild doesn’t guarantee a seat. Unless you show up early enough to buy your tickets. If you call the ARTS Guild to reserve seats, and you show up at 7:45 expecting to get tickets and/or seats together, you may be out of luck.
We’ve also added an extra performance. This Sunday is our “Service Industry” show. This is an extra show, added for those who work Thursday and Friday nights in the summer, so they can see the show too. Of course, everyone’s invited to that one too. I expect all three shows to be pretty well packed.

Tucked in between the Thursday-Friday and the Sunday Sketch 22 is the Saturday Night Comedy Smackdown. The inimitable Andrew Sprague will be hosting this evening of improv that pits the boys from Sketch 22 with the boys from 4 Skit’s Sake. Even though it’s billed as a comedy competition, the rivalry will be kept to a minimum, as we all focus on a rip-roaring evening of improv goodness.

Speaking of which, Graham and I were special guests at 4 Skit’s Sake’s final show of the summer. It’s been probably 2 years since I’ve performed improv on stage, so I was kinda nervous about it. As soon as I got on stage for the couple of games that had me participate in, though, it was like I never left. Much fun.

The 4 Skit’s Sake guys were saying that tonight’s crowd was their biggest/best yet, so it seems they’re going in the right direction in terms of creating a fan base.

Next weekend should be a killer weekend of comedy. Seriously, I expect to die from exhaustion.

Because I like to emulate the great American President, George W. Bush, I thought I’d take a page from his campaign trail – specifically, the staged Ask President Bush events – and open up this blog post to answer some questions my legions of readers may want to ask of me.

Just to be like George, (it’s a Salon link, you’d need to watch a small advertisement to get a ‘daypass’ to read the article, sorry) I’m going to have to ask that you profess a pledge of allegiance to my blog before you can gain entrance to the comments section of this post. And of course, once you enter the comments section, you must promise to only ask questions that are either pre-approved, or that are soft-ball enough that I won’t stumble over in my response. Also, only ask questions that will make me look good.

Here are topics that I would appreciate you NOT ask/comment about:
– My boyscout attendance record. Unfortunately, the records regarding my attendance at Parkdale – (St.Pius X branch) Boyscout meetings were mistakenly destroyed and/or misplaced.
– The night during Sketch 22, on Battleship HMCS ArtsGuild, when I had the “Comedy Accomplished” banner unfurled, even though there were/are still more comedy shows to perform.
– The gas-mileage of my vehicle, and my firm belief in the necessity to find more fuel for my vehicle at any cost.
– The fact that I continually try to imply that Saddam Hussein was involved in the Sept.11, 2001 attacks on the USA.
– WMD’s and WD-40.

Here are topics that are open to questions/comments:
– The family cat, Arista.
– How great my economy is doing. (if you ask questions about this, DO NOT ask questions regarding Mastercard or Visa bills)
– As long as you too are a firm believer in it, you will be allowed to ask questions regarding my undying faith in the Magic 8 Ball.
– Hickory Sticks.

Of course, you are not limited to questions only in thsoe topics, however, I maintain the right to ignore completely any question that I don’t want to answer.

So, ask away, friends.