The Annekenstein Monster

My wife much prefers it when my face is glabrous. Someday, I want to my whole head to be glabrous. But if I ever take it to the point where my whole body becomes glabrous, by choice, please shoot me.

I wrote this years ago. With the upcoming Festival season only days away, I thought it’d be a timely post.
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Every year after the opening of yet another production of the musical Anne of Green Gables, our admittedly wet morning newspaper rushes to print a brand new review of the show. This review seems inter-changeable with previous year’s reviews, as it appears to follow the same format, style and substance, heaping praise, and little or no negative criticism on the same production highlights, year after year. Why go through the motions of writing a new review, year after year, on a show that basically changes little each year… it’s like having a food critic review McDonald’s restaurant once a year; you’re gonna get the same meal every time. The only thing that changes each year is the people putting your Big Mac together and nuking it.
So, why have a (ahem) critic, year after year, review a show that basically doesn’t change, when the only new comment one can make from season to season is in reference to the colour of Gilbert’s trousers?
As a time-saving device, here follows a template review, free for use by The Guardian, in which only the names of the current year’s actor’s need to be inserted. Now every year they can simply print this same review and forego the pretence of reviewing each production. To make this review as Guardian-like as possible, spelling and grammatical errors have been inserted.

The Anne of Green Gables Reusable Review

[Choose from one of the following headlines]

“The Same Anne As Last Year, Only Better”
“Top Notch Perfofmances Highlight Anne”
“Liberals Claim Road Jobs As Tory Patronage”
“Anne of Green Gables Concert Enjoyed By All”
“Gee I’m Glad You’re You, Anne of Green Gables”

Last night’s opening night perfofmance of Anne of Green Gables last night marked the beguining off the [insert season number]th season of Canada’s Favourite Muscle at the Confederation Centre, in Charlottetown, and by the thunderous standing ovation it received in the end by the packed house that were there on its feet clapping, it seems we loved the red-headed orphan as much, if not more than, as ever.
The young woman, [Insert actress name], who played, Anne Shirley and she suited the role perfectly. [Insert “Anne Shirley” actress, first name only], who studded musical dance and acting in [insert Upper Canada city name], was thoroughly believable as the sprightly young orphan, especially in the second act, Act Two where she was even more so, and when she got older and matured, she has a magnificient sinking voice.
Off the other perfofmances, Elizabeth Mawson once again shine in the roll of Marilla, and was wonderfully stern and unflinching in the role of Marilla. It wood be hard to imagine anyone else other but than Elizabeth Mawson playing the role of Elizabeth Mawson played for so long, and made it her own. That she played for over thirty years and made it her own. Matthew was [‘again’, if applicable] played by [insert actor name] and he instantly douched the members of all the audience in the heart with his gently, warm, and humorous portrayal of the kindling, soft-spoken man. I did thought, however, that [insert ‘Matthew’ actor, last name only] did occasionally tend to go for the laughs a few two many times, suck as wipping the dirt off of his boots and and, while funny, this sometimes took away from his kindliness and the dramatic of the play. My one miner disappointment, one I seem to make every sumner, would half to be with the actor who played Gilbert, [insert actor name]. While he is a very compotent dancer, and very light on his feet, I felt his acting wasn’t as strong as was his dancing was, but he did have a very good job, nonetheless, and didn’t detract from the top notch perfofmances of the others.
A special nog must go out to Island actress [insert actress name] who played [insert name of minor Lady of Avonlea character], one of the Ladies of Avonlea. She did a terrific job with her line, and make us all proud of her to be an Islander.
The sets and costumes never looked bitter any year before than they did last night’s, as it was a freshly painted and brightly lit show. And it was expertly directed by [insert name of choreographer], who kept the pace lively and fats-packed.
By the looks of lat’s night show, and passed seasons, and if they are any indignation, we still have a very special thing here, in Anne of Green Gables, and that Anne of Green Gables is a show that should make Islanders, and Canadians alike, proud to be Islanders.

-30-

Last night, Karyn was supping on lobster with her father, so I gave Cameron the choice as to where he and I’d go to eat for supper. He, of course, chose Wendys.

Anyway, we were sitting there eating, and the table behind us was occupied by a mother, father and little girl. Sometime into our meal, the girl begins to whine, which turns into sobs. The mother tells her to stop it. She doesn’t. More whining crying. The father sternly (as fathers are wont to do) advises the girl to smarten up. She doesn’t. Even more whining and crying. It is unclear as to what is troubling the girl, but my impression is that it was something trivial.
A couple more protestations and warnings from the parents fall on the girl’s deaf ears (no, she wasn’t really deaf. It’s an expression…).
Then this, from the father: “do you want to go to the car? I’ll take you to the car. Okay, let’s go”, followed by inactive muscles that make no effort to go to the car.
And then, it came. From the mother. The emptiest, most desperate warning in so many parents’ litany of threats. The statement that is so absurdly impossible to conceive that even the dullest, youngest child doesn’t fall for it: “Okay, if you don’t stop crying, we’ll never eat here, ever again!”
Of course, she doesn’t stop crying. Because she sees her parents, heavier than the sun. She sees them scoff down the double burgers with cheese, and Mega-Biggie Size Fries and the Gargantuan Pop. She sees them inhale their food, and oh so love it.

She is not dumb. So she continues to cry.

For the record, I don’t believe I’ve ever made that particular threat to Cameron. Never promise something you cannot deliver. That’s my motto.

I am only continuing to post American Idol reviews because I have strange need to see this to its completion. Can’t wait til the awful show is finished.

The problem with only three singers left is that, to fill out an hour, they have to sing three songs each. And that means three sets of dischordant combinations of notes, emitted without emotion through the mouth, via vocal chords (sorry, I meant ‘songs’) from The Hawaiin Tourism Campaign.
Anything that I could say about the singing talents of the remaining three, I’ve said before, and last night showed me nothing new. Jasmine was awful. Diana was bubbly soda pop that is already getting flat and stale. Somebody put a cork in that bottle, please. Fantasia showed exactly why she is the only person remaining in the competition who deserves to succeed.

Clive Davis was great as a judge. When Randy doesn’t come back next year, they should give Clive his spot. Of course, they won’t because he’s old and nobody from The Idiotic Masses of America™ cares what he says. They’ll want Randy replaced with a cute boy. Speaking of cute boys, I got worried when Paula “stupid” Abdul told Fantasia that she doesn’t even need this competition anymore. TIMoA, were you listening? That means vote for someone else.

“don’t need this show”?? What the hell does that mean for the relevance of the stupid show? Why bother following through then? Get down to the final two or three, to hell what The Idiotic Masses of America™ ultimately decide. Push the one who has the most potential to make money for people. That’s what they did last year with Clay Aiken. I’ll bet most people actually think he won the American Idol competition last year. He came second, but he really did win it. Ruben is pretty much just a sandwich again. And an area code.

So, it doesn’t matter who gets kicked off tonight. I’ll be shocked and amazed if it’s Fantasia leaving, but then, I’d be shocked and amazed if she makes it to the final two. Stupid The Idiotic Masses of America.
Wherever she winds up, she’s the only one from this show that anybody’ll be talking about in a year from now.

And you can take that prediction to the Bank of Hawaii.

I hate to sound like a school girl.

But, oh. my. god.

You WILL fall in love with this video. (you may not fall in love with the fact that it’s Real Video)

The song is “Bad Luck” by Royal City

On a now defunct PEI themed web-board, I created an online game for the members of that board. We called it SurvivorPEI, and it followed, pretty much, the formula of the television version of Survivor. Two teams (eventually merged into a remaining group of individuals) of about 12-16 players competing in (sometimes whacky) challenges of my creation. Challenges that could by played entirely over the internet. The winner receives immunity, the losing team (or individuals) votes one of their own off.
We played it twice before, and each time was incredibly fun and always interesting. It was lots of hard work keeping the games moving, too the point where, despite the fun, I vowed to myself that I’d not ‘host’ another one.
Well, I’m hosting another one. Over at PEIinfo on their forum, we’ve just started a new ‘season’. I’ve changed the name of the game to Cut-Throat Island this time around. We are currently in the second round, where each team must send me instructions on How To Shower. The first round challenge was a google-based test: each team’s individual members had to send me a three-word google search that, when combined with all the other team searches, came as close as possible to 10,000,000 results.

The two teams this round are Zambooka and Axis of Feeble (names chosen by the players). Zambooka currently has 5 players, having lost one by losing the first round challenge. Axis of Feeble is still at the full complement of 6 players. Most players are Islanders, but there is one forum regular who is from California who is also playing.

If you’re interested, drop by the forum and keep updated on who gets their Throat Cut, and who connives enough to remain to the bitter end.

This morning, two very well-dressed-in-uniform young men from what I suspect is our local cadet regiment, came to our front door.
I opened the door, and immediately notice that the guy closest to me looked like a deer in the headlights. Perhaps I was his first stop? At any rate, he appeared to be pretty nervous. Nervous enought to make me suspect, despite the well-claddedness of the two.

“Hi?” I ask.
“Hi, um, we’re collecting. For (I now forget the charity he said, let’s say:) Children’s Wish Foundation.”
Why do I not see a receipt book?
“Collecting what?” I say. I’m surprised by how terse I sound.
This totally catches him off guard for a moment. His being caught off-guard increases my suspicions. Yet, I also begin to feel sorry for him, for how nervous he is.
“Um, money. Cheques. Um, whatever, like that.”
“Yeah” says the second guy. His only contribution to the scene. Even with that one ‘yeah’, I can tell that he’d be the leader of the two. The Alpha. I wonder why he’s not the guy to speak when the door opens.

“Sorry. No.” I say. The first guy nods, as if he knew the outcome all along. He was defeated even before his knuckles rapped on the door. I close my door.
I look out another window, and see a whole platoon of kids, all dressed in their cadet uniforms, swarming the neighbourhood.
I feel bad for not giving. But I couldn’t, in good conscience, give money to such an unproffesional ragtag duo.

I came across this comic at the Accordian Guy’s site.

I’ve only seen Peter a couple of times, from a distance, and through dirty glasses, but does the computer guy in the comic look like Peter Rukavina?

How uninterested have I become in watching American Idol? Last night, it was a tough decision between watching the final four sing on AI, or paper cutting my body and bathing in rubbing alcohol. Barely, just barely, I chose AI. I’ll save the paper cuts for the weekend.

How many times did guest judge Donna Summer, in her critiques, mention the fact that she, too, sings on stage. That’s how irrelevant Donna Summer has become. She needs to validate over and over again that she too was a star. I’m guessing, too, that Miss Summer missed the afternoon rehearsal, because she looked like she didn’t have a clue as to what was gonna happen next, or when she should talk, or for how long. At least, she warmed up enough to offer some honest-to-goodness criticisms.

Onto the competition:
Jasmine Treehouse: Well, surely, this is the final week for Hawaii’s Spring Tourism campaign. Really, for me, the only thing that disco ever had going for it, was that it can be fun and energetic music. I don’t know how she did it, but, boy, did Jasmine ever suck the fun and energy out of those songs. I pray to the Gods of Maudlin that her crying at the end of her final performance doesn’t sway The Idiotic Masses Of America™ to cast votes for her. Aloha, Jennifer

LaToya NewYorkLondonParisMunich: Thank goodness for Simon Cowell. His criticisms of LaToya were spot on last night. Great voice, consistently excellent singing, but no personality is coming through. Her second performance was better than her first, and both were very well sung, technically, but Dude, there’s nothing more there.
Speaking of “Dude!”, why did they reverse the order of the judges speaking? My theory is that they got tired of hearing Randy say, EVERY time: “It was aiight. A little pitchy, but it was aiight.”, followed by Paula’s “You know I love you. You’re a star already”. Now, though, Simon going first nails the criticism down right away, and leaves nothing left for the others. Also, now Randy doesn’t bother coming up with his own opinions. He just says he agrees with what Simon says. We all do, Randy. We all do.
LaToya will make it through to the final three. And, as good as she is, I think she might get upset next week by the upandcoming Diana. I believe The Idiotic Masses of America™ are tiring of LaToya’s lack of personality. Also, not smart of her to say ‘getting to final four is good enough. We’re all going to be successful’. If I was teetering between voting for her, or voting for someone else, that would have been the deciding factor for me. You’re happy enough to be final four? Okay, someone else gets my vote. Of course, that assumes the voters actually put thought into who they vote for. Never underestimate the lack of potential of TIMoA™

Fantasia Burrito: You may not like her voice. You may not like her personality, or the way she carries herself. But I don’t think you can deny that Fantasia is the only competitor left who has even a shred of “celebrity” in her genetic makeup. Whether you like her or not, she is the only one who would bring anything interesting to the title of American Idol. For the record, I like Fantasia and, with the few remaining beads of care I have left for this show, I am cheering for her.

Diana DelaGuardia: Okay, Diana’s been improving over the last couple of week’s, and she ended the show last night on a high note. Against all odd, I expect her to make a serious grab at getting to the final two. The best thing I can say about her is she is a second-rate Hillary Duff. Here is my problem with Diana: She is fake. In her I see the shallowness of the music industry. In her I see the handlers who are all about greedy potential for merchandise and marketing. And she appears to be more than willing to go along. Barely tolerable when she is singing, her willingness to be a slut to celebrity goes off the radar when she is not singing. Then she is all about smiling and playing along and being phony. Through her mannerisms and the way she behaves, I fully expect her to become whatever type of entertainer ‘those who know’ would want her to be to maximise her appeal to the greatest amount of people.

I see this, but I don’t expect The Idiotic Masses of America™ see this. Or rather, I expect they don’t care. Because of her willingness to be whatever, and America’s apathy, I predict she will win.