Honest, Eminent, Keen Rants
So, I was browsing through the referring sites to this Monster and noticed for my first time some google search referrals, and I browsed through those. The search that caught my eye: “riff de la bum smell”
Plug that into your google search, and the Monster gets top billing. I feel so honoured, yet bad for the searcher, who, I assume, didn’t find what they were looking for here. Let me rephrase: I hope they didn’t find what they were looking for here.
The Beatles’ album Let It Be – Naked was released this week. As much as I am not a fan of the over-orchestration of the 30 year old Phil Spector-produced ‘original’, it’s quite evident, after listening to ‘Naked’ that some form of production was required to make these songs come ‘alive’. As the album title implies, the songs presented on ‘Naked’ are in their most basic form, and as such, are pretty flat and unexciting.
Somewhere between the over-produced Spector version and the un-produced Naked version, lies a better version of this album.
I was listening to some music tonight, and Bud the Spud started playing, which reminded me of a sketch I wrote a long time ago, called The Church of the Blessed Sebago. Basically, it was a reverent recitation of Bud the Spud as if it was Gospel, written as bible verses. It was kind of a one-joke bit that never really went anywhere, and never really saw the light of day.
But the sermon did end with this Potato Grower’s Prayer, which I rather like:
“Our tuber, which art in red soil
How good thy taste baked.
Fried, mashed or broiled, thy will be sold
To Cavendish Farms as much as to McCains.
Give us this day our maximum yield
And forgive us our PVY-n
As we forgive Maine their transport embargoes.
And lead us not into land use dilemmas
But deliver us from erosion
For thy pay the mortgage, the power, the grocer
For ever and ever, Amen.”
The following is not a fully-realised socio-scientific theory. In fact, it has only been tested a few times. Hardly enough to warrant endorsement of its viability or validity from the scientific-sociological community. And each time the theory has been tested, I believe, the theorist has been inebriated. Then again, so too were the subjects. However, based on the amazing similarity of results in each test, the theory does seem promising.
The theory is this: Commenting to a drunk man (test subject) about his teeth will cause insane vocal ramblings and violent physical manifestations to emerge from the test subject.
Case Study #1: Test subject was situated near the planted cannon on the Cow’s corner. Pleasantries and cordialities were conveyed between the test subject and his group, and the scientist’s group. The scientist then mentioned, in a purely innocent and off-handed manner, that the test subject’s teeth appeared to be similar in size and stature to the teeth of actor Gary Busey. Test subject appeared not to recognise the Busey name, yet still became overwrought with fury and anger at the very idea. Subject’s flailings arms and legs were, fortunately, subdued by subject’s clique. Not so subdued were the subjects threats of violence to scientist as scientist continued his way to The Dip.
Case Study #2: Test subject was encountered on sidewalk outside the establishment known formerly as “The Playhouse”. After pleasantries and cordialities were conveyed between the test subject and his group, and the scientist’s group, the subject’s group began to cross the street to where the Petro-Can station is situated. At some point in this crossing, the scientist mentioned, again in a purely innocent and unprovoking manner, that the test subject had “Tignish Teeth”. There was a momentary lull in the experiment as the very concept of “Tignish Teeth” took its time to sink in. By the time the test subject made it across the street, it was presumed by members of his clique that “Tignish Teeth” is likely an insult. Upon hearing this, the subject was overcome with fury and anger and began to wildly flail his arms, legs, and limited vocabulary. Attempts by scientist to explain the definition of “Tignish Teeth” only seemed to infuirate the test subject even more, to the point where he was seemingly frothing at the mouth as he was loaded into the cab of his clique’s pickup.
Even though this theory is yet only a theory, please be careful when out clubbing. Do not comment on a drunk man’s teeth, no matter how innocent and innocuous you believe your comment to be.
After only getting 4 picks right the last time, this week I was gloriously correct on 12 of 16. My son, who knows nothing about football, got 8 of 16 right.
I went to the Reel Island Film Festival’s presentation of RIFF Shorts 3 (this year’s third screening of shorts). I went because ‘Florid’, a movie I co-wrote and acted in, was being presented.
Let me tell you about ‘Florid’. It’s a 22 minute black comedy about 4 street bums who, deep in the middle of an Island winter, try to raise enough money to go and bum in the warm sun of Florida. It’s got a lot of genuinely funny laughs, some enjoyable performances, some pretty funny lines, and some really bizarre, ugly (intentional), and embarrassing (less so intentional) moments too. It’s a film many people seem to enjoy. But it’s not the best movie, story-wise. There are wide gaping holes, scenes missing, and the ending probably needs an interpreter. Yet, it is funny. However, because of its shortcomings, I believe ‘Florid’ would have trouble getting into most ‘Real’ film festivals.
Let me tell you about the RIFF Shorts 3. I would suggest that ‘Florid’ (yes, even after discounting any bias I have), and perhaps one or two others, were the creme of the crop. Most of the rest were pure claptrap. (Note to editor: remove ‘most of’). Probably an hour and a half, out of the two hours, was intolerable at worst, bland at best. From what I heard, the other screenings were comprised of just as many awful films too, with only a few worthwhile entries.
So, I once again ask: Why must PEI continue to celebrate mediocrity? Especially where artistic endeavour is concerned, Islanders sure seem content to support, and create, blandness. And with the unwritten “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” method of criticism in full effect and force on PEI, it’s sure to stay that way for some time. The worst offense someone could perpetrate on an Island theatrical production, for instance, would be to say something negative about it in public. The underlying reason for the fear of public criticism, I believe, is “We’re only a small island, and we’re not that good, so we don’t deserve to be held up to the standards of the rest of the world.” This, of course, is bullshit.
Another question: Why in the hell is this festival 5 days long? Where in the hell were they going to get enough content to warrant 5 days of screenings? (Tuns out they didn’t) I suppose someone was told Real festivals are 5 days long, so RIFF had to do the same to give the appearance of a Real film festival. Quality of content, be damned! If RIFF looks like a real film festival; if RIFF sounds like a real festival; if RIFF smells like real festival, then that’s the goal. That makes it easier to get funding for next year. Trouble is, the sound this year was terrible and the smell this year was shit.
Here’s what I’d do with next year’s RIFF: make it a weekend long, only. Get someone in who doesn’t have trouble saying “I’m sorry, your film isn’t good enough.”
Tonight’s episode of Joan Of Arcadia, as written up in the TV Guide: God asks Joan to convince Adam not to enter his sculpture in the art show.
Okay, first of all, since when does God ‘ask’ anything? Secondly, why doesn’t God just phone Adam himself and ask him not to enter? Better yet, why not just give Adam severe cramping and diarrhea, so severe that it keeps him from entering his sculpture in the art show?
I’ve never seen the show, probably never will, but it sure sounds like Joan’s got God and/or Adam pussy-whipped.
Homestar Runner dot com is one funny site. And Teen Girl Squad, starring Cheerleader, So and So, Whats Her Face, and The Ugly One is hilarious.
If the quote in the title (in reference to The Strokes ‘Soma’) of this post doesn’t get you the check out these music reviews from kindergarten kids, then maybe this excerpt will:
In reference to the song “You Stood Out From The Crowd” by The Salteens:
MA: Do you like the song?
Ana: This is my bracelet that my mom gave me. You can’t have it.
MA: It’s very nice. What do you think of this music?
Ana: I heard this song in my class. But I wore my dress and I wore my jacket.
MA: Felipe, do you like it?
Felipe: Oooooh! Oooooooh!
Alejandro: He’s pretending to be monkeys. And monkeys can’t talk!
MA: Ok. Monkey, can you tell me in monkey language if you like it?
Felipe: Ooooh! Oooooh! (high, squeaky voice) I don’t like it! I like to climb a tree!
If the quote in the title (in reference to The Strokes ‘Soma’) of this post doesn’t get you the check out these music reviews from kindergarten kids, then maybe this excerpt will:
In reference to the song “You Stood Out From The Crowd” by The Salteens:
MA: Do you like the song?
Ana: This is my bracelet that my mom gave me. You can’t have it.
MA: It’s very nice. What do you think of this music?
Ana: I heard this song in my class. But I wore my dress and I wore my jacket.
MA: Felipe, do you like it?
Felipe: Oooooh! Oooooooh!
Alejandro: He’s pretending to be monkeys. And monkeys can’t talk!
MA: Ok. Monkey, can you tell me in monkey language if you like it?
Felipe: Ooooh! Oooooh! (high, squeaky voice) I don’t like it! I like to climb a tree!
The Annekenstein Monster 