Author Archives: Rob MacD

When I become Mayor-Hole of this burg, one of the first crazy laws that I will force all establishments to follow is this: in restaurants of all description, any and all burgers will come with cheese as the default. If you want a burger without cheese, then make that special request. Unless it’s specifically called a “Hamburger”, I expect cheese on something that has the ‘burger’ suffix.

I went to A&W for lunch today, and ordered a Poppa Burger. Only when I opened the thing, did I realise that cheese is not the norm on a Poppa Burger. Why oh why not? Still, it was a fantastically great burger. Where else does that happen? Well, with the Whopper at Burger King. One must remember to order a Whopper With Cheese. When I am Mayor-Hole, I will force Bush Dumville to change it so that one must order a Whapper Without Cheese if one doesn’t want cheese.

By the way, another of my plans for when I become Mayor-Hole is to take over the Tim Hortons on University Aveneue (by the KFC) and have it set up as a Drive-Thru Complaint department. It will be, in fact, the only place in town where The City will take note of complaints. And only Drive-Thru complaints. There will be no Walk-In complaints. If you don’t have a car, tough crap. If you want to complain about it, hire a taxi to take you through the Drive-Thru Complaint Department.

Oh, I have all kinds of crazy ideas for when I become Mayor-Hole.

This post over at xtcian, about running into a tureky, reminded me of a bird experience I had about 20 years ago. (you know what? I had originally typed ’10 years ago’, thinking it was actually 10 years ago. I then had the sudden explosion of realisation that it was actually 20 years ago. Holy crap! 10 years just flew by my eyes. Am I that old?)

At that time, I used to golf quite a bit, with college buddies. One day we were on our way to Green Gables (this, in the days when one’s PEI golfing options could be counted on one hand) for an afternoon round. I was driving my military green 1978 Honda Civic, and as we were about to drvie down into a little valley, I noticed on the road on the incline on the other side of the valley, a crow was standing in the middle of my side of the road.

Being a goof, I told the guys to watch this, we were gonna play chicken with a crow. I gunned the motor, and charged towards the bird. As we kept approaching, the crow kept its back to us. “He’s playing us” was the general consensus from the car. Suddenly, about 10 seconds before we reached where the bird was, it turned around and stared at us. It stared us down.

It stared me down. The driver. The only one who really mattered in this test of wills. Our eyes locked, and I could tell that this crow was not going to budge. If we were to win this game of chicken, we’d have to hit the crow.

At the last second, I swerved out of the way and drove past the crow. The crow did not move. As I drove away, up and over the hill, I looked in the rearview mirror. Shivers still go down my spine as I recall the icy stare of that crow in that mirror.

Yes, I was beaten by a crow.

I was walking back to work a couple of days ago, when I saw a Winnebago type RV driving towards me. In the big window behind the driver, in the area where I imagine the dinner table and the semi-circled upholstered bench was, I saw a teenage girl. She was looking out the window. Just an everyday kind of girl, but what drew my attention to her was the smothering suffocation of boredom that was contained in her look. If her sadness would have allowed it, we’d have made eye contact. As it was, she simply dirged past me, shackled to her misery, in her motorized prison.

How sad did she look? Well, if she was placed in amongst any random train-car, sardine-packed with WWII occupation-enslaved Jews on thier way to the death-camp, she’d stick out as ‘the sad-looking one’. How sad did she look? She looked like it was her third time watching Nancy Beck’s latest show. It was as if she had Matthew’s death-scene (where Marilla sings “I Can’t Find The Words”) in Anne of Green Gables on permanent replay loop in her mind. That’s how sad she looked.

She looked so sad that I immediately thought, after the RV drove past, that if I had only three wishes, I’d waste one of them just so I could make time go back fifteen seconds, so that when she drove past me again, I’d wave at her, and hopefully instill some small glimmer of kindness in her life. Even if it only boost her spirits for a moment, and only if the boost was miniscule, it’d be worth it. For humanity. That’s how sad she looked.

Then I thought: she’s likely on vacation, in her parent’s lovely big RV which means she’s probably in a family that’s economically stable, most likely pouting because she’s not in Cavendish and her parents are gonna force her go on an afternoon walking tour full of Charlottetown history, while I’m trudging back to work on a sunny 27 degree day on PEI, while my car rusts out. My car’s in such a sorry state that the stereo can’t even play cassettes, and the back-end is making noises like an elephant squealing at a mouse.

My final decision was not to use one of my three wishes on her. I decided instead that she can take her sullen sorry ass and give it a kick.

Well, seven months of casual preparing, followed by a month of pretty intense preparation all culminated in our opening night last night. I’m not sure of the number, but it looked like the house of 130 seats was about 3/4 full. Of course, the usual post-premiere audience-member thing to do is give accolades and props, whether deserved or not, but everyone seemed genuinely thrilled, excited and encouraging.

There were great big laughs where we thought there’d be big laughs, big laughs at moments that we hoped would get laughs, and only a few times when the laughter wasn’t as big as we thought it’d be for certain lines/moments. I’ve been to shows, and in shows, where the auidience laughter is generated as polite encouragement. I shudder at that type of laughter. Fortunately, the laughter for our show was, generally, at such a height and pitch that it was obvious that it was real and honest. Only a couple of times did I think the audience was laughing to support the material, rather than laughing at it.

From the performance side, it was a really good show, especially for a first night. No major mistakes (I froze and then blanked at a moment near the end of the show. Dammit.), and only a few technical hiccups. A great job by everyone involved.

So, good on us.

I find weeks go quicker when I have a TV Program To Look Forward To.

Since the end of this season’s (fantastic) The Sopranos, I’ve only had one TVPTLFT. That being Sunday night’s Six Feet Under. I’m sad to say that so far, this season hasn’t been satiating my year-long hunger of anticipation for it.

Now, though, I have a new TBPTLFT: The Amazing Race 5. Yes, it’s back, on Tuesday nights. I’ve been waiting for awhile for this, my favourite “reality” tv show. After one episode in, it’s like being re-acquainted with an old friend. Phil is exactly the same smirking bemused host. The contestants are another batch of typical flustered contestants.

Here’s to The Amazing Race remaining a TVPTLFT.

It’s 4:10 in the pm of the day. Our show opens tonight. I was interviewed, along with Graham, this am on CBC Island Morning. It went pretty well. I didn’t get lost in a thought, which is always a fear of mine when I’m speaking live in front of people, so I’d have to call it a success.

Just now, the butterflies have begun fluttering around in my stomach. I expect they’ll be there until sometime after I perform the one sketch that I’m personally most worried about. Our rehearsals have been going pretty good the last few days, dress rehearsal went really well (which some say is not a good thing, however I don’t believe in that crap). Some of the stuff (especially a couple of the videos) are kick-ass shit-stainingly funny. I’ve never been so confident in the material before a show’s opened, as I am with (most) of this stuff. Same with the rest of the cast. This of course, has us worried that we’re overconfident.

All that’s left is to wait for the crowd and see what they think.

Complete details tomorrow about whether the show’s da bomb or a bomb.

This topic was brought up a while ago at a lunch. People were skeptical as to the validity of my claim. It’s not a wild claim, certainly not an interesting one, nor one worth making up. Yet since the skepticism exists, I do now feel compelled to somehow validate it here by making it public.

Usually, I have a pretty “regular” morning routine. Most days, I could, if need be, reserve the bathroom for the same precise 10 minute period when I’d most need it. Sometimes, however, in the rush of morning activity, I forget to “go to the bathroom”. I leave the house having not watered or weeded. (I’m trying hard not to type “pee” or “poop”).

That’s sometimes. Most times, on these ‘sometimes’ days, I’ll take care of bladder & bowel business at work. Occasionally, though, on these ‘sometimes’ days, I neglect to “expunge my internal records” and my day will carry on as usual. At the end of these occasional sometimes days (does that sound like a tampon line?), I will come home, eat supper, and then, an hour or two later, realise that I have a rather full Recycle Bin and will then go about permanently deleting the contents.

Yes, this topic was brought up at a lunch.

I am not proud.

So, there’s a story in today’s Guardian, in the sports section, that wonders why the so-called Battle of Canada doesn’t draw more rivalry from the players or loyalty/interest from fans.

Hmmm?

Let’s see: The Blue Jays and the Expos are both at the bottom of their respective divisions. The Expos are owned by MLB, that is, by the rest of the teams (that statement so deserves a “Huh?”) ever since they were supposed to be moved and/or dissolved a couple of years ago. When the Expos last had a “legitimate” owner, he purposefully tried to ruin the club, practically begging (by his actions) Expos fans to stay away. Fortunately for him, they listened. The two teams play in separate leagues, and inter-league play is generally seen as No Big Deal by anyone.

Those are just some of the reasons why there’s not so much interest in the Battle of Canada. But I think the main reason why there was such a lack of interest in the Toronto Blue Jays vs. Montreal Expos games this weekend was:

THEY WERE PLAYED IN FRIGGIN’ PUERTO RICO!!

Morons. I so hate baseball.