The Annekenstein Monster

DaveS and I came up with this title for what would no doubt turn into an awful movie:  Once Around The Park
Below is my synopsis of the movie.  See if you can come up with a worse (better?) version.

Once Around The Park
Rich, bored socialite Katherine Bringham (Gwyneth Paltrow) is in an unhappy (but for complicated business/family reasons, necessary) engagement to power attorney (future d.a.?) Daniel Harris (Matthew McConnaughey).  The only person it seems she can truly confide in (and to whom she can ‘be herself’) is her chauffeur,  Bennie (Brendan Fraser).
Through their post-date drives back to her apartment ("once around the park, first" says K each time), Katherine and Bennie talk and enjoy themselves, and fall in love. Of course, she tries to deny their love, and remain committed to the engagement, but love defeats all, right.
She comes clean to Daniel and he seems to take their breakup well.  However, he begins to anonymously torment Bennie, using his power attorney power to wreak havoc on Bennie’s good name and nature.  Bennie loses his job, his relationship with Kathreine sours (because of well-conceived lies from Daniel) and the true-love couple seem to have lost, relationship over.  No more do they see each other.  Bennie’s distraught.  Katherine’s heartbroken.
Daniel is there for her.  Maybe she was wrong about him, he seems to be nicer now. They get back together.
Just before the wedding (on the way to the wedding), Katherine is somehow forced to hail a cab.  It’s Bennie, in his new job as a cabbie.  He tries to explain the situation, but she’ll have none of it.  He drives her to the church.  Just before the wedding, Daniel says something that causes her to realise that Bennie was telling the truth.  At the climax of the wedding, she runs out of the church and into the cab (Bennie is still there).
They ride off, in the cab, into the sunset.  But first they drive one more time, Once Around The Park.

Yuch!
What’s your version?

Asked for ten. Got six that I figure I’d answer:

Nils asks: What are you working on that you don’t tell anyone about? And why don’t you?
Answer: I assume you ask this about my creative pursuits and not, say, about the next level on Grand Theft Auto on which I’m working. I am currently writing sketches for next summer’s run of Sketch 22. (No, Frankie, there is not gonna be a Christmas show. Maybe something in February?). But that is not something I don’t not tell anyone about. Secret-desire creativity would include a for-theatre Kids Show For Grown-Ups (which I have told a few people about). It would look and feel like a show for kids, but would involve adult themes. Probably a good show to go to stoned. Also, I’d love to do a one-man show that most people would hate. It would start like this: I drive a malfunctioning Harley Davidson onto the stage, keep it revving, and then proceed to tune it up for an undetermined period of time. If anyone is still around after that, I’d move onto my next bit: The Flinging of the Shit Sock… etc.
I don’t like to tell people of ideas too much, because to me the telling is the doing. Once an idea is voiced, then the desire to continue on with it begins to immediately diminish.
———————
Wayne asks: If given the choice, who would you best like to have dinner with? (deceased accepted-with the understanding they would be alive for the occasion)
Answer: The joke answer is: anyone who pays. The “I went to university” answer is: I’d like to have dinner with the members of the Algonquin Round Table. I probably wouldn’t feel confident enough to add my witty banter, but I’d love to experience a session of their repartee at its height. My real answer (the one I’d give to the genie offering me this chance), though is: Jesus Christ. I’m dying to know if he had a sense of humour.
———————
Coda asks: What do you most want to accomplish in your life and why?
Answer: It’s kind of pathetic perhaps, but I don’t like to set goals to accomplish. I see it as both a positive and negative way to live. Positively, I think it allows me to enjoy the moments of my life more. I am living for right now, not for the goal that’s a week, month, 20 years away. Negatively, I think it hinders one’s ability to achieve. It also is a way to avoid failure, which also had good and bad effects.
Generally, I want to be debt free at some point.
I’d also like to accomplish the goal of owning an iPod. If anyone would like to help me with that goal, just email me.
———————
Tim asks: If you were appointed ruler of the universe, would you be a fair and benevolent leader, or would you become corrupt with power?
Answer: I think, if I was appointed ruler of the universe, first thing I’d do is destroy those who had it within their power to appoint me. Getting rid of them would likely make the job more of a permanent one. Once that was done, I would rule as fairly and benevolently as possible. Of course, there’d be periods of time when I’d be petulant and selfish. My goal would be to make the people of the universe treat others in the manner in which they’d like to be treated, and to take responsibility for themselves. Just like a parent.
——————–
Dave S asks: what’s a favourite word?
Answer: I like ‘cartilage’. And ‘bueno’.
——————–
Graham asks: Have you ever been in a fist fight. What is your current hand-to-hand melee combat skill. Do you think you can take me. well do’ya ?
Answer: Yes, I have been in a fist fight. A couple, actually. The last time was in junior high, grade 7. Me and friends were walking home after school, and a couple of tough-guy grade 8ers were throwing snowballs at us and taunting us from the other side of the road. One too many hit me, so I dropped my Adidas kitbag, crossed the street and started laying into one of the kids. I got him down on the ground, got on his chest and started flailing (not unlike Ralphie in the fight scene in A Christmas Story). I went crazy. After a few minutes, others pulled me off him. I wasn’t bothered again in school.
In my university years, and for a few afterwards, I’d occasionally get mouthy when I was at an appropriate level of drunkenness. My mouth got me into a few almost-fights, where I’d be chased. I wouldn’t choose to fight. I was a provoker, not a fighter.
I imagine my current hand-to-hand melee combat skill to be pretty good. It is totally untested, and I think I’m relying on instinct-plus-crazy to get me through any tussle, but I expect I could handle myself.
And, yes, Graham, I have no doubt that if we were to fight for real, I’d take you.

I was going to call this post “Kerry Defeats World War III” as an homage to the infamous Truman/Dewey headline and the hope I felt earlier last night that was dashed in Florida.
Instead, I think Dubya Dubya Three better sums up where I think George will take us all in the next four years.

I saw this map on another site, and I liked it:

Good luck and hang tough all you Americans who suffered through the loss.

Because I am such an interesting person, yet so shrouded in mystery, I’ve decided to let you, readers, interview me. Assuming there are at least ten people who read this and are curious enough to post a question they’d like me to answer about myself, I’m willing to answer.

So, fire away. What would you like to know? I’ll compile the questions and answer as best I can in a future post. You can ask more than one question, but I’m only going to pick one per person. Also, I reserve the right not to answer questions I’d rather not answer.

This, of course, is the post, through lack of questions, in which I realise that nobody really cares. :(

At lunch today, I saw a big banner. I think it was hanging on the ATC building. It said: “Remembrance Day – Lest We Forget” A fairly common notion this time of year, to be sure.

But seeing that phrase at that moment got me thinking out loud, which caused DaveS and myself to spend a few useless minutes wondering out loud. What I thought was “will there be a day when the word ‘lest’ is no longer used?” DaveS assured me it would be around for the rest of our lives at least. I figured that, for the people who are/will be confused by ‘lest’, we’ll one day change ‘lest’ to ‘in case’. In Case We Forget.

Wondering about the appropriateness of that word led to the perceived appropriateness of the whole phrase.
In the end, we decided that the word “lest” would remain forever, but “we forget” would succumb to various interest groups and political correctness.

“We” is far too inclusive a word. What about those people/groups who prefer to forget, or who accidentally forget? Surely there are anti-veterans groups around. Should they be forced to be included under the blanket-umbrella of ‘we’? Surely not.
And what about the term “forget”. Couldn’t the implication of forgetting be hurtful to those who do forget?

How about this as an alternative to Lest We Forget:

Lest Those People Who Knowingly And Willingly Make An Effort Not To Be Memory-Challenged In Regard To The Remembrance Of Those Who Were Or Are Impacted By Either National/International Combative Situations And/Or Peaceful Representation Of And For Their Country Do In Fact Become Memory-Challenged In This Regard.

I am having a hard time pinpointing the exact date.

Can anybody tell me when Britney Spears’ recent marriage to Justin Timberlake took place?

For about a week or so, I’ve been anticipating tonight and tomorrow night.

Tonight, Sketch 22 (or the Island-bound members at least) are getting together for our first time to begin writing our second season show. I’m greatly looking forward to hanging out with the crew. By the way, rumours of a Christmas Sketch 22 show (which we may have started) should by now be quashed. There will be no Christmas show. We do want to put something on stage over the winter though. Not sure what it’ll be. At any rate, looking forward to getting the creative juices flowing again, and to being with buds.

Also, despite it being the worst season so far for the Dolphins, I’m anticipating the MNF game tonight, Miami v. NY Jets. While I fully expect the Jets to blow the Dolphins out of the water (clever), I must admit to expectations of upset as well. Last week’s surprise victory against the Rams (sorry J.P.) has caused the embers of hope (I thought they were fully extinguished this year) to begin to glow ever so faintly in my fanatical devotion to the Dolphins.

Then tomorrow night, it is US election night. I love watching election coverage, and have been anticipating the spectacle of this particular election night for a couple of years. The only thing that will ruin the fun and excitement of election night viewing is a Bush victory. But, according to the pundits, there’s not much chance for that, right? (the post’s title is, of course, an homage to Heinz ketchup)

I figure my son will be 40 years old when he finally watches the end of the movie “Halloween”. This is an admittedly unscientific and quick calculation based on how much more of the movie he watched this year than he did last year. About two minutes more than last year, for those keeping score.

I think Halloween is the epitome of suspense and tension in movies. Blood and gore, my son can handle. The occasional fright, no problem. But Halloween has beaten him, two years in a row now.

Last year, I was skeptical about having him watch the movie. But my eagerness to have him grow up, coupled with his persistance that he’s old enough for it, won out. So, I had him and his friend Keaton watch the movie with me. We all had built the movie “up” in the days before we watched it. I kept telling them how it was going to scare the shit out of them. Not “like other movies” scared. But really scared. I had them anticipating and dreading the viewing. I told them we’d stop the movie at any point either of them wanted it stopped, and that there was no shame in being too scared to watch it. “whatever” was their opinion of that idea. “Just wait and see” I said. They were so primed to be scared.

We made it about 40 minutes into the film, I’m guessing. Just to the point where the girl goes to the laundry-room (who has a laundry room as a separate building, by the way?) to wash her buttered clothes. She gets stuck. Michael Myers is at the door! “Stop the movie!” they agreed. “Are you sure?” I asked, keeping the movie going. “Just wait a sec.” I admired them for wanting to charge ahead, and sure enough, they got past that scene, and onto the next segment where the buttered girl takes her babysitting charge over to where Jamie Lee Curtis is sitting. As soon as the Halloween tinkling piano music started again, though, that was it. “Turn it off!” No going back. They were done.
So, that was my son’s first foray into Halloween.

Over the course of the past year, I asked him a few times if he wanted to watch the rest of Halloween. “Not right now”. “Maybe next Halloween” I allowed. “Okay”.

So, this Halloween, after the trick-or-treating was done: “Do you want to watch Halloween?” “Sure” he said, emphatically. I think his willingness to watch it was partly based on the fact that watching it would mean he’d get to stay up past his bedtime. On a school night.

Movie starts. The first appearance of the creepy tinkling piano makes him moan slightly. A few more occurrances of the theme and he begins to say things like “I hate that music!” “I know, isn’t it great” is the type of reply his mother or I would respond with.
As the movie begins to grow in suspense, he starts getting a bit agitated, in a “this is exciting, I’m getting kind of nervous and agitated at this movie again” kind of way. I offer “we can stop the moive any time you want. Just say so.” “No, I want to see more of it than I watched last year.” Okay.

So, we make it to the point where we stopped watching last year. “This is where we stopped last year” he says.
Next scene: Girl is going to drive to pick up her boyfriend. She is singing as she goes to the car. Door is locked. She goes to get the keys, singing all the way. No worries. She comes back to the car, opens the door… wait, it’s unlocked now!! She doesn’t realise it! How did the door get unlocked?!? Still singing, gets in the car. Singing. Notices condensation on the windows. “That’s odd”, she seems be thinking. THERE’S CONDENSATION ON THE WINDOWS!!! It dawns on her slowly, and she stops singing. She turns to look in the back seat. We see the white mask…

STOP THE MOVIE!!!! “Are you sure?” STOP THE MOVIE!!!

So, we stopped it. About two more minutes than last year. I’m guessing next year we watch the whole thing.

I figure my son will be 40 years old when he finally watches the end of the movie “Halloween”. This is an admittedly unscientific and quick calculation based on how much more of the movie he watched this year than he did last year. About two minutes more than last year, for those keeping score.

I think Halloween is the epitome of suspense and tension in movies. Blood and gore, my son can handle. The occasional fright, no problem. But Halloween has beaten him, two years in a row now.

Last year, I was skeptical about having him watch the movie. But my eagerness to have him grow up, coupled with his persistance that he’s old enough for it, won out. So, I had him and his friend Keaton watch the movie with me. We all had built the movie “up” in the days before we watched it. I kept telling them how it was going to scare the shit out of them. Not “like other movies” scared. But really scared. I had them anticipating and dreading the viewing. I told them we’d stop the movie at any point either of them wanted it stopped, and that there was no shame in being too scared to watch it. “whatever” was their opinion of that idea. “Just wait and see” I said. They were so primed to be scared.

We made it about 40 minutes into the film, I’m guessing. Just to the point where the girl goes to the laundry-room (who has a laundry room as a separate building, by the way?) to wash her buttered clothes. She gets stuck. Michael Myers is at the door! “Stop the movie!” they agreed. “Are you sure?” I asked, keeping the movie going. “Just wait a sec.” I admired them for wanting to charge ahead, and sure enough, they got past that scene, and onto the next segment where the buttered girl takes her babysitting charge over to where Jamie Lee Curtis is sitting. As soon as the Halloween tinkling piano music started again, though, that was it. “Turn it off!” No going back. They were done.

So, that was my son’s first foray into Halloween.

Over the course of the past year, I asked him a few times if he wanted to watch the rest of Halloween. “Not right now”. “Maybe next Halloween” I allowed. “Okay”.

So, this Halloween, after the trick-or-treating was done: “Do you want to watch Halloween?” “Sure” he said, emphatically. I think his willingness to watch it was partly based on the fact that watching it would mean he’d get to stay up past his bedtime. On a school night.

Movie starts. The first appearance of the creepy tinkling piano makes him moan slightly. A few more occurrances of the theme and he begins to say things like “I hate that music!” “I know, isn’t it great” is the type of reply his mother or I would respond with.

As the movie begins to grow in suspense, he starts getting a bit agitated, in a “this is exciting, I’m getting kind of nervous and agitated at this movie again” kind of way. I offer “we can stop the moive any time you want. Just say so.” “No, I want to see more of it than I watched last year.” Okay.

So, we make it to the point where we stopped watching last year. “This is where we stopped last year” he says.

Next scene: Girl is going to drive to pick up her boyfriend. She is singing as she goes to the car. Door is locked. She goes to get the keys, singing all the way. No worries. She comes back to the car, opens the door… wait, it’s unlocked now!! She doesn’t realise it! How did the door get unlocked?!? Still singing, gets in the car. Singing. Notices condensation on the windows. “That’s odd”, she seems be thinking. THERE’S CONDENSATION ON THE WINDOWS!!! It dawns on her slowly, and she stops singing. She turns to look in the back seat. We see the white mask…

STOP THE MOVIE!!!! “Are you sure?” STOP THE MOVIE!!!

So, we stopped it. About two more minutes than last year. I’m guessing next year we watch the whole thing.

This from an NFL.com preview of Monday’s Dolphins v. Jets game:

The Jets and Dolphins are meeting on Monday Night Football for the first time since Oct. 23, 2000, when they played one of the best games in the history of the program.

Miami had a 30-7 fourth-quarter lead at the Meadowlands before New York scored a team-record 30 points in the period to force overtime. The Jets ended up winning 40-37, the biggest comeback victory in their history.

The game, voted by fans as Monday Night Football’s greatest game

I watched that game. As a Dolphins fan, I can assure you I did not vote this game as the greatest MNF game.

By the way, you may have noticed I stopped posting my weekly football picks because, well, really, who cares?