The Annekenstein Monster

Okay, this week’s American Idol bored me beyond comprehension.
Still, it was better than that Leafs/Senators game. Grrrr.
Here’s a little confession: I like Barry Manilow. I’m not talking about his songs, I’m talking about him, or at least, the ‘him’ we get to see through the media. His songs: meh. He writes good melodies. But he seems like a real nice guy.

Who was first? Diana DeGuarmo? This was her best performance so far, wasn’t it? It’s been less than 24 hours since, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember her song. I remember the pee I had last night before I went to bed. It was good, though, wasn’t it? The song, not the pee (which was good). “Good” being relative to the boring crap she’s made us suffer through thus far, of course. Anyway, next:

George Huff: Barry Manilow writes songs with good melodies. George Huff takes Barry Manilow songs and removes the melody from them. Not smart. Second week in a row, George, you let us down. Smarten up, ‘kay. Go listen to some Mel Torme this week. Bring us some of that Velvet Fog.

Hawaiin Girl: Her best performance so far. And I think it’s the first time she didn’t try to stick a tourism ad for Hawaii into her bit. Do the two relate? Anyway, it’s her best, but she still doesn’t have any chance to win. She’ll stay til next week, but no farther.

Jennifer: Okay, I’m not a fan of Jennifer. I can’t get past her barely supressed anger, and the fear of a fist punch at any second. But she did a real good job. However, it was with her performance last night that I started to figure out the ‘diva’ plan. Start the song quiet (too quiet last night, Jenn) and don’t worry about how it sounds. Because the only thing that matters is the end, when the song gets kicked up a notch. Last night, when Jennifer kicked her song up a notch, she did a great job. For me, though, I’m all about the song before it gets kicked up a notch. I’m all about the anti-diva.

Crooner John: As John sang last night, at least during the first part of the song, I saw actual emotion coming from John, and sentiment escaping through his lips. Manilow’s advice to feel the song and not worry about the notes etc was working! I began to imagine what John would’ve been like if he’d heard that advice early on in the competition. Imagine if he was told way back when to sing with feeling, not like a robotic martini. That’s what I was thinking. Then he lost it. Gone went the emotion. Gone went the sentiment. All that was left was the wide-eyed stares of a deer in the spotlight. For god’s sake, America, heed my words this week, and rid my life of this blandness.

LaToya: Another who utilizes the diva plan. Start small and irrelevant, then turn on the voice for the last 40 seconds. Why is it all about the final 40 seconds? Good, but who cares.

Fantasia: I like Fantasia, but I wasn’t crazy about her song last night. Nothing wrong with it, but it didn’t move me very much. Forcing the audience to get up for the revival meetin’ sounds is like trying to rouse the remaining dead-tired stragglers at a party into having more fun at 2:30am by suggesting Trivial Pursuit. Just…go away! Anyway, good, but again, you did not moooove me.

I thought the whole night was blah. Kinda like a Barry Manilow song. I like the guy, though.

The three to stand on the idol icon: John, Hawaiin Girl, and Diana. Hawaiin Girl goes back to the couch of comfort.

Crooner John gets the boot.

This is good to know.

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These were emailed to me. I find them funny, so I post them here.
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Sixth Grade History

Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History Tests

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics They lived in the Sarah Dessert The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree One of their children, Cain,asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn’t have history The Greeks also had myths A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice They killed him Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible Another important invention was the circulation of blood

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a -foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare He was born in the year , supposedly on his birthday He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes He wrote Donkey Hote The next great author was John Milton Milton wrote Paradise Lost Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress The winter of was a hard one for the settlers Many died and many babies were born Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation On the night of April ,, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic Bach died from then to the present Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel Handel was half German half Italian and half English He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf He was so deaf he wrote loud music He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him Beethoven expired and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West

Queen Victoria was the longest queen She sat on a thorn for years She was a moral woman who practiced virtue Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species Madman Curie discovered radio And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Norman Campbell, co-writer of the musical Anne of Green Gables has died at the age of 80. I meant to post something about this earlier, however it slipped my mind.
I had met and briefly talked to Mr. Campbell on a couple of occasions, the last time probably ten years ago after he had just seen a production of Annekenstein. I was a little trepidacious about meeting him that time, because I wasn’t sure how he’d react to our show, which (lovingly) poked quite a bit of fun at his musical. He could have been offended (if he was an ass), but he didn’t appear to be. I was pleased that he told me that he found it very entertaining and smart.
Anyway, that’s my boring Norman Campbell story.

Okay, close your eyes and imagine your interpretaion of an iconic virgin.

Did you imagine your virgin as a female? I would think most men would imagine a female virgin in some form, but I wonder if most women also imagine a female when they think of ‘virgin’. I suspect so.

Please resume your daily schedule.

Finally, a guest judge who has something constructive to say. Quentin is such an irrascible asshole. I think I’d hate to have him as a friend, but he’d be fun to go partying with for a few weekends.
Onto the performances:

George – Favourite movie is The Wiz? What the? George looked great, but didn’t do a great job singing. He sounded a little flat pretty much the whole way through. Whether he knew he was off or not, one good thing about his performance is that he sold it. I expect a big rebound next week. But The Wiz?
John Paul Ringo – I finally figured out what JPL reminds me of. He’s the normally-kind-of-quiet guy at the university party who, just as he’s had that right amount of alcohol, gets brave and begins to let his inner wild-guy out a bit. Most everyone finds him kind of obnoxious, but harmlessly so, and there are enough that egg him on so he continues, getting braver and braver, more and more drunk. Unfortunately, those crazy wild eyes tell me that at a point later on in the night, he’ll be too drunk and will become arrogant, then violent.
When JPL sounds as good as he can, he still sounds barely in control of himself. Last night, his singing (I mean ‘shouting’) was aiight, and the best that I can say about him is it was a high energy performance. Still, whenever he tries to perform, to dance around, the quality of his singing dramatically declines. Stand still and sing, son. Stand still and sing.
Jennifer – Sister Act 2? What the? A solid, solid performance. Jennifer is looking better and better each week, and the singing is sounding better each week, too. I think the reason for this is that she has started to feel the songs she’s singing. My criticism of her earlier was that there was a wall between her and the lyrics she was singing. Lately, though, she’s been singing songs that fit perfectly with the anger and fury that, I think, is always bubbling just beneath her personality. I predict her first single will be entitled: “Don’t You Dare Leave Me, Or I’ll Kick Your Ass, Lover”
Hawaii Girl – She did okay, but she just doesn’t have the power in her voice to continue in the competition. Simon is exactly right when he says she (and Diana and Crooner John) is a kid trying to be grown up. Her performance was pretty much unforgettable.
Crooner John – Okay, John. Stop snapping the fingers. Just stop, okay. He did a good job with this song, but Simon nailed it when he said the kid has no charisma. Get off the show.
Fantasia – She will be the next American Idol. She may not win the competition (she should) but she will be the next American Idol. Just like Randy said, the best American Idol performance from any competitor, ever.
Diana – When she finished singing, my wife asked me what I thought of her performance. I realised that I spent most of her time trying to think of what movie I’d pick as my favourite, and what song I’d sing. That doesn’t say much for how her performance grabbed me. Through those thoughts, I recollect an every-town kind of performance that had too many slightly off notes. For the record, the movie I’d say is my favourite would probably be “Raising Arizona”, and the song I’d sing: “I Wanna Be Just Like You” from The Jungle Book.
LeToya – She’s a pro. A great performance that was only eclipsed by Fantasia’s brilliance.

Three that go to the bottom: Crooner John, Hawaii Girl, Diana. Hawaii Girl gets sent back to the Sofas of Safety.

Diana DeGuarmo says good-bye tonight.

Okay, I have a proposal to make hockey more interesting. I welcome explanations as to why this idea wouldn’t work.

When a player on Team A gets a penatly, Team B gets to choose which player from Team A, who is on the ice at the time the whistle for the infraction blows, will serve the penalty. I say ‘on the ice when the whistle blows’ (rather than when the offense ocurred) so that the offending team could try to get their ‘star’ players off the ice on a delayed penalty (to save them from being chosen). This would be a calculated risk, however, because doing so would likely give the other team a better scoring chance before the delayed penalty whistle gets blown.

Any one player on a team could not serve two consecutive penalties, unless the second penalty was caused by that player (and the other team then chose to have him serve that penalty).

The only down side I can see is that so-called star players would probably be in the penalty box more often, more often taking away the excitement they add to the game.

Wouldn’t that add an interesting element to the game?

I don’t quite understand how, but you ask the subservient chicken to do something and it does it. I’ve asked it to hop on one foot. I’ve asked it to go read a book. I’ve asked it to stand on its head. It did all of these things. I’ve asked it to play dead and it did have a little trouble with that.

So, did this chicken do everything it could possibly think of, and then show the corresponding actions based on key words?

Go and try it.

I missed the first part of the show, but that guy who started to sing “Stay The Course”, around 9:30 Atlantic time sure sounded off-key. I didn’t like the lyrics much, and the tune consisted of pretty much one note. And there seemed to be an awful lot of guest judges this week.

I’m guessing he’ll get voted out.

It had to happen, I suppose.
And, perhaps, it should have happened well before this.
But my son just beat me, fairly, in a computer game. In a racing game.
I know there have been other games over the past few years where he could routinely beat me, but I didn’t like playing them. Not because I didn’t like losing, but because I didn’t like the games. Incomprehensible games like Pokemon Stadium and other games of that sort. I don’t like them, but my son does (or did) and he’d beat me anytime I succumbed to the pressure of a bored child to play with him and his game console.
But this is different. This is a racing game. I am (was) the racing game master of this household.

Until today.

The battle: the Mushroom Cup of Mario Karts Double Dash. I, full of bravado and myself, challenged Cameron’s friend, Keaton, to a 4 race competition. If he won, he could eat lunch with us. Long story short. He won, barely. In a sad attempt to restore my glory, I challenged Cameron and if he lost, he’d have no lunch. (of course, I wouldn’t really go through with that). I lost, barely.
Used to be, when playing video games with/against my son, I’d play at 3/4 speed, or sabotage my game enough to give him hope and the chance at victory. Sometimes I’d let him win.
Today though. No ‘letting’. In fact, there’ll be no more letting him win. Ever. From this point on, he’ll have to earn it.
As a parent, I’ve been waiting for this day for 10 years. As a racer, I’ve been dreading it just as long.