Who Would Jesus Drown?

(from Eschaton)

This (Tuesday) morning at 9am, C-SPAN had a live telecast of
the 109th Congressional Prayer Service from a church on Capitol Hill. There
were some sentiments shared about the recently-passed Bob Matsui and Shirley Chisholm,
and, amidst the scripture readings, reminders from a few Congressmen about the
Christian foundation of our government. Others spoke of the Asian tsunami

Then Tom
gets up to the pulpit, and — striking a beautiful note in light of
the 150,000 dead from the floods referenced by his colleagues — lets loose
with some Matthew
, beginning at verse 21.

(Many thanks to ben for the heads up on the exact wording, and to DemWatch for directing us to this transcription
of the reading and MP3.)

Saith DeLay:

"A reading of the Gospel, in
Matthew 7:21 through 27.

Not every one who says to me,
"Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven; but only the one who
does the will of my Father in heaven.

Many will say to me on that day,
"Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons
in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?

"Then I will declare to them
solemnly, ‘I never knew you: depart from me, you evil doers.’"

Everyone who listens to
these words of mine, and acts on them, will be like a wise man, who built his
house on a rock:

The rain fell, the floods
came, and the winds blew, and buffeted the house, but it did not collapse; it
has been set solidly on rock.

And everyone who listens
to these words of mine, but does not act on them, will be like a fool who built
his house on sand:

The rain fell, the floods
came, and the winds blew, and buffeted the house, and it collapsed and was
completely ruined."

He finishes reading, says nothing more, and sits back

21 thoughts on “WWJD?

  1. My disdain for Tom DeLay notwithstanding, I’m not sure I get your point. The quote from Matthew is a whatchacallit – a parable? (Jaysus, it’s been years since I was in Sunday school) meant to illustrate the thought that belief in Jesus gives you a strong foundation for living your life. Or whatever.

    In any event, given who was talking and what came before … it seems fitting, in keeping with his beliefs, and in context. I even tried to find some irony in the whole “sand” thing … but I got nuttin’.

    I don’t believe that Jesus watches C-Span or wears an American Flag lapel pin. But Tom DeLay does (or says he does), so for him to stand up in Congress and blurt that out isn’t so surprising.


  2. Oh, Christ .. duh. I just got it. I was focussing on the whole Christian Right and Iraq thing, and didn’t realize how frigging vile those words would be to someone in the tsunami region. Jaysus … my mistake.


  3. Makes me dislike Jesus-freaks even more. They used to rank up with cult followers in my books; misguided and annoying, but comments like that from ignorant twits like him lower Jesus-freaks down a few pegs on my list. That makes me borderline hate them, like Nazi’s during Nazi-germany: just followers, but these sheep are following a reightous ideal.
    But no worries: Zoltar, the great galactic spirit who lives on pluto, will smite all the non-believers. Those who do not recognize Zoltar will perrish in eternal pools of Sulphuric Acid.
    All praise Zoltar


  4. I’m glad you believe in Zoltar, Graham. Like you, I am also a believer. But I certainly hope you believe in the Zoltar that came from the constellation Orion, and not the so-called “Zoltar” that arrived on Pluto from the Xalanian galaxy.

    I mean, come on … the Xalanian galaxy? Those people who believe in THAT story of Zoltar are NUTS. So, we’ll have to kill them.

    Don’t even get me started on the whole “Zoltar came from the Sun” cult. Bastards.


  5. I recognized something about myself that just isn’t pretty a few months ago. And it is that I am prejudiced towards the conservative religious set. And I don’t mean prejudiced in a positive way. This realization hit me when I was making the following statement: “I have one friend who is a Christian and she is actually really nice. We even would go to movies and watch TV together and stuff”. Wow. Then I felt bad about myself.

    But when someone tells me I am going to burn in the fiery pits of hell and that Jesus will be happy to see me burning there, I feel a little more justified. I mean Zoltar would never be happy to see one of his followeres suffering. That is why I have promised to donate my life’s earnings to Zoltar and his people. I hope you have all done the same.


  6. Praise Zoltar!
    Rob, I did not know this about you. Is it that you hate all that is true and free, or have you not read the diaries of Snorm the traveller, who documented Zoltar’s arrival where he warned us all what would happen if you didn’t follow his list of mysterious rules and guidelines.
    There is still hope.
    Salute to Sydney and Nils.


  7. Oh, I’ve read the Snorm Diaries, and I found them full of inconsistencies and hypocritical dualities of logic.
    For instance, how do you explain the account of Snorm Foraging For Glisten-sticks? Snorm rounds up a pack of Puddlings (that I can believe), but then Snorm takes them to the Valley of Constance and they magically float in Black Abstractions until the Glisten-sticks voluntarily abdicate their Thrones of Thorns. Yeah, right, like that could happen.


  8. Wow. It is certainly nice to find some sensible religious debate on this blog. And to find fellow followers of Zoltar in Graham, Nils and Sidney. I understand your apprehension Rob but you just need to visit the Zoltar Re-education center to get the unrealistic beliefs you currently cling to replaced with a deep abiding love for all things Zoltar.

    And remember all contributions to Zoltar can be made to:
    High Priest of Zoltar
    c/o Lightning Bolt Comics
    99 Grafton Street
    Charlottetown, PEI


  9. I respect everyone’s right to worship Zoltar in his or her own way, but the Snormians are a dangerous sect that ought to be rooted out and burned. No offence, Graham.

    Rob, the whole Glisten-stick/Throne of Thorns debate has raged on for millennia. There’s no way to prove or disprove it. The damn Snormians count on that little fact.

    As I say, though, feel free to worship Zoltar in any way you want, as long as it’s the same way I do.


    For Zoltar will give where the want is not!

    Slorm 2:1 ( Documented Slorm’s quest for anything edible on the spiritual quest to Pluto, where he found none but ice )


  11. It is true that for the most part faith in Zoltar is it’s own reward. But in an effort to increase donations to the Zoltar Re-education Center we are offering a free Trogdor the Burninator, Cheat or Homestarrunner T-Shirt with every donation of $25.68 or more. Heck we even have the strongbad_email.exe DVD for the even more faithful.

    Of course if one were to use a Wessy Doucette T-shirt to help sway the favour of Zoltar (Zoltar is a big fan of Wessy)who knows how much Re-education it could provide.


  12. I hate it when religion gets commercialized like this. Next thing you know, Zoltarmas season will start like, what, a day after the vernal equinox? Disgusting.


  13. I will make Zoltar the Wessie shirt he desires. Or perhaps Rob could show his allegiance to Zoltar by making one for you, High Priest


  14. As we know Snorm, son of Slorm, battled the “devils in his mind” during his expedition to the distant planet and quoted:
    “Ice… frozen… nothing but my thoughts to eat… thoughts for food.”
    Now that’s some food for thought. Snorm was so desolute he turned to eating intagibles. When I look outside on a day like today, I can’t help but wonder how good we have it here, even in winter.


  15. Nils, the theories on the Zoltar origins being in the Orion constellation are for nursery rhymes and camping songs. I belong to the Xanian origin sect, and unlike you Orion barbarians we believe that all who believe in Zoltar, Snorm or no Snorm, is OK. You guys are the ones causing all the ruckus.


  16. You and your Xanian origin sect are corrupting our youth, destroying our way of life, and quite possibly letting the air out of people’s bike tires. You will all burn in the Sulphur Fires of Yok.


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