Blah-merican Blah-dol

First off, notice that the category for this post is "Television" and not "Music".  Calling it music might encourage them.

So far, this run of American Idol, I am very much disappointed in the song selection from practically all of the "idols".  Last night, they had any song from the 1990s to choose from, and they all picked shit.

First up was Bo.  He seems like a nice guy, but I really can’t stand him, solely because of his look, specifically because of his hair.  Yes, all the lay-dees see him as the icon for ‘bad boy" but please, no true bad boy would step a million miles close to American Idol.  He’s Playgirl(tm) Bad Boy.  Pure surface bad boy.  He sings some shitty song by the shitty Black Crowes and is bored and therefore boring.  He gives his Las Vegas Gigolo cowboy hat to Paula, and I hate the way he holds the mic stand, way down low as he stands, like a fake bad boy, on the very desk that the Judges sit behind.  How bad boy of him.  Faker.  I also hate how he and Constantine are dubbed "The Rockers".  How can these products be rockers when they are only Monkees?

Next is Jessica, who sings a boring LeAnn Rimes song.  My biggest trouble with Jessica is that I can’t tell her apart from the other blonde female country singing "idol".  You know, the one who the judges keep reminding us is the best, regardless if she performs well or not.  Anyway, as she sings, I go all Terri Shiavo and my wife takes away my ripple chips and I really don’t care.  I thank Simon for calling her "unlikable" and then I wonder how much that would hurt to hear, never mind that it’s broadcast over the continent.  "You’re unlikable" and a hundred million people nod in agreement.  Ouch.  Apt, but ouch.

I have a catholic-jewish-black conspiracy theory that I’m just now making up.  I believe that the Pope is actually dead, and they’ve been Weekend at Bernies-ing him for a while now.  I believe that he succumbed to some whithering disease that has also afflicted Mikhala (the American "idol" who got voted out, either last week or forever ago), because there’s simply no other explanation as to how she could have so much (granted annoying) talent and spark, and then, week after week, just crumble to the point where she became consistently lousy.  Now, Anwar seems to have succumbed to the same disease (which I hereby dub Pontiff-Bernard Syndrome).  He was so good early on, and now, last three weeks, he’s tanked, each week worse than last.  Last night he was awful, singing a poor-choice R.Kelly song.  Yeah, he hit the end-notes well, but friend, guess what?  The audience has already left.  I used to like Anwar, and was hoping for him to do well, but he really picks crappy songs.  His taste in song choice, like all the ‘idols’ it seems, is really suspect

More than I like Anwar, I like Nadia.  In her little pre-song interviews lately, she’s been hinting about her eclectic and subversive side.  I like that (why she almost seems like she’d be better suited to be a Canadian Idol contestant, since they seem to be, generally, a more cool and hip bunch.  More "Canadian" I guess.).  She sings Melissa Etheridge and does a fair enough job.  Nothing spectacular (in either direction, good or bad) and not much to say.  Good enough to stick around.

Oh Constantine, you scampy fat-cheeked boy.  Of all this year’s "idols" he’s the one I’d least trust, the one I’d least expect to see the return of the hundred and fifty bucks I leant him.  My criticism of this rocker is that his singing is too affected, he employs too many "sexy" singing tricks.  He has everything that makes Corey Hart bad.  Last night, though, I thought he nailed his rendition of Bonnie Raitt’s "I Can’t Make You Love Me" (a great song, by the way).  I expect him to survive to next week, and then he’ll come out all bubble-gum cutesy and re-energize my hate-on for him.

I don’t like Nikko.  I don’t like the songs he sings, or the way he sings them.  He is bland.  Last night he did an okay job, but I didn’t enjoy it.  In. Any. Way.

Anthony Federov grabs the puck at the blue-line, skates around two defenders, spins and shoots…he scores!!!  Sorry.  A-Fed, as they call him (because they probably don’t want to say the communist "federov" any more than they have to), sings a crappy Elton John song.  I think it’s called "A Vagueness About Your Appearance This Evening".  Anyway, I’ve never noticed it before but in his pre-song interview, I could hear him trying to stifle his accent.  Then I could hear him doing the same as he sang.  I’m calling him a Red Menace right now.  How did he do with the song?  As good as he always does, which is not very good.  He’ll be gone soon.

Carrie (the other white Jessica) sings Independence Day.  Is this awful country song about a woman who has every kind of hurt done to her, and then proclaims emancipation?  Wow.  Good for her, singing that.  Of course, she could sing farts and still the judges would pedestal her, because they all want her to win.  Shouldn’t she be on Nashville Star, and not American Idol?  Does America really want a country singer as their next idol?  Idiots deserve that shit, I’m saying.

Scott is a scary looking dude.  I think he’ll stay in the competition for a while longer because each and every Ameican is afraid to not vote for him for fear of a personal pipe-bombing.  He’s a scary looking dude.  But the voice of an angel.  At least sometimes.  Last night, he tanked.  All over the place and not at all good.  There, I said it.  Here.  Here are the keys to my car.  Why don’t you go start it, while I stand well outside the potential debris range.

Vonzell is a beautiful woman.  I don’t know what it is about her singing, but it’s not quite there. Ever.  She comes so close to having it all, but just can’t reach it, for some reason.  But she sure is beautiful.

Tonight’s "bottom three" (an inelegant phrase, I dare say) will be: Jessica, A-Fed the Communist, and Anwar.

Jessica gets the boot.

3 Comments

  1. whoa… okay dude… what are you saying about the monkees?… bottom three: jessica, scotty, and nicko… jessica out… plus mike nesmith rocks/ed!

    Like

  2. Hahaha. Thanks for the entertainment this afternoon! Good synopsis, although I wouldn’t have been so harsh–

    I like your “weekend-at-Bernie-ing” the Pope theory. Funny.

    Like

  3. Yer so funny. I’m glad I tripped and fell in love (up)on your blog today. Now my pancreas hurts.
    I too, like your “weekend at bernie-ing” the Pope. It makes me consider the possibility of this happening again or then again, has it ever happened besides to Bernie? What about Elvis?

    Like

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