Bam! Kindergartner Goes Down!

I saw this hypothetical question asked elsewhere and it immediately piqued my curiosity.

How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

Here are the factors to take into consideration:

You, nor the five-year olds, have any foreign objects.  It’s hand-to-hand only, and no protective padding, other than a cup, and normal, everyday street clothes.
The arena is roughly the size of a basketball court, and it’s enclosed.  Nobody can touch the walls.
You lose when you are knocked unconscious.  They lose when the final five-year old is knocked unconscious.  Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is “out”.
The kids all receive one day of hand-to-hand combat training,  designed specifically to teach them how to team up to take down one adult.   You receive one hour of “counter-tactics” training.
The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of what occurs.  Even the very last one will give it their all.
The kids are all “average” healthy kids, half of the number you choose will be female, the other half will be male.

So, how many could you take on without being defeated?

I think I’d try to take on 12. 


  1. dylan says:

    A nice cheerful holiday topic for today.
    I think you underestimate yourself Rob you could take on more than 12 5 year olds.
    A 5 year old lacks the strength to be able to inflict much damage on you with kicks or punches. They could bite or if they got you on the ground try and gouge out your eyes but I think it would take more than twelve to get me on the ground. I figure the first 7 or 8 would be pretty easy to take out. You just have to make sure that you put them down permanently (which should be easy as their little bones will break quite easily). I would guess that I would be able to win against up to around 25 or 30 after that they would begin to overwhelm.


  2. graham says:

    What a bizarre, hilarious image.


  3. Jay says:

    Some excellent strategies Dylan. To underestimate them could result in a fatal mistake. Showing no mercy is defintely the best route to winning the title. For me, really, I think the most fascinating part of the whole experiment would be that stage where Rob actually started to become overpowered by them. That moment where the few remaining bloodied, toothless kids began to topple Rob, despite his obvious size and strength advantage. If it were a movie, I think I’d want to see this stage of the battle in slow motion with mournful music and some pigeons fluttering by if they could be wrangled and trained. I’m getting weepy just thinking about it.

    Now that’s comedy, Jim.


  4. Rob says:

    I especially like the moment in the slo-mo when the camera pans by my eyes, and they’re big and wild, like a scared horse’s eye.


  5. graham says:

    Let’s make it!


  6. RyanT says:

    Hell yeah,
    we could bring Jonny Haines to train a troop of 5 year olds (heretofore to be referred to as the 5YOs) in some basic stage combat.
    A lawless location will be needed, and a decent supply of 5YOs for an afternoon. Perhaps an ad in the local paper to audition some 5YO performers, for a, uhh, dance number.
    Parent and or legal guardian paperwork blah blah blah.
    How about b&w / Hitchcock homage.
    Lose the fluttering birds. Fluttering birds – John Woo – Wires.
    No damn wires.
    Whats the motivation for the monster (Rob) ?
    Whats the motivation for the swarm (5YOs) ?


  7. Jay says:

    Wait, didn’t this happen to Kramer in Seinfeld?


  8. Señior Psychosis says:

    My kind of musing.
    I think if quickly grab one, and swing him/her around as a weapon, you could potentially take out upwards of 50-60.


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