I was a bit worried about American Idol’s theme this week: Love Songs, as interpreted by Andrea Bocelli (who, coincidentally, has a new album out! Imagine that! What luck that Mr. Bocelli is a fan of American Idol, and has an album to hock at the same time!), with help from producer David Foster.
Okay, I can handle Andrea Bocelli (who, it turns out, was a pretty ineffectual assistant to the Idols. At least what we saw on the show), but my fear came when I heard David Foster and his egotistical smugness would also be an on-screen presence. I’m not a fan of the pap that David Foster puts out, and feared that this would be an hour of ugliness. Turns out that Foster really seemed to put “the kids” through the paces and was likely a necessary alternative to the sycophants who most likely surround these people all week long. So, my respect for David Foster goes up a notch or two, for giving honest criticism and, at the same time, trying to help the Idols do their best.
Katharine MacPhee starts off. Has anyone else noticed, that in the last three weeks, Katharine has really amped up the “I am making love to you, through the camera” sexuality? Last week it was atrociously obvious. This week, slightly less so, but still a full blast of “I am HOT”. Her singing this week, I thought, was “meh”. Not the greatest, but nothing bad enough to endanger her. I agree with whichever judge it was that said she is not at her best, vocally, when she tries to push it.
But, how she sings really doesn’t matter at the moment, because right now, she is all about selling The Idea of Love. Every ounce of her being is thrusting itself into Turning On The Boys. Sex sells, baby, and I’m riding that pony all the way to the top!! I’m wondering now, when they cut to her crying father, if he’s crying because of the beauty he hears in the song, or because he’s forced to witness the transformation of his virginal daughter into a high-class hooker?
Last night, she was literally spilling out of her yellow dress. Her oh-so-tight dress. Her breasts were pushed so high that I was scared they’d get nosebleeds. And then there was the slit. Near the end of her performance, when she really started pushing the song, a part of the slit on her dress comes undone (I assume it was taped together?) and she began showing a whole heck of a lot of leg. As I was watching her performance, I was noticing what I thought was a panty line on the side of her hip (due, I guess, to the tightness of the dress). I was thinking that she should have gone panty-less, to rid herself of the panty-line problem. Well, good thing she wasn’t panty-less, because when she started strutting up the stage, near the end of her song, her wardrobe malfunction gave us all the briefest brief look at her briefs. Her white briefs. I’m sure of it. I wasn’t imagining it. And, yeah, it titillated me a bit. I thought, for a moment, about searching the internet, to see if there was a picture of the moment somewhere (you know, to show you), but I didn’t. I also thought about downloading the show and getting a still image of “the event” from the video. But I really don’t want to be that guy. I’d rather be the guy who advertises it in the title of the post.
So, Katharine will be safe, due to her sexuality.
Elliott, I had all but given up on you. I kept hearing other people giving you credit for your talents, but I never saw them materialize, my friend. You’ve always come up short. Last night, though, you blew them all away. The first 3/4 of the song, you were superb. The last 1/4 you started to lose your sense of power, and I could feel the old trepidation and nerves seeping back into your performance. But you held them off enough. Easily, this was Elliott’s best performance of the season. Therefore, he will be leaving the show tonight. Stupid voters.
The only reason Kelly is still around is that the stupid voters like her stupid personality. She is an onion that they can relate to. Last week, her singing was just awful. This week, equally hideous. And her makeup was ugly ugly ugly. She looked like a whore. A male whore dressed up as a woman whore. An old, ugly male whore, dressed up as an old ugly woman whore. I mean, it was terrible. Kelly, I think the Stupid Train is leaving tonight. You really deserve to be gone from the competition. I don’t even know if you ever belonged. You are a robot. A stupid robot. A Stubot.
Paris’ performance was powerfully understated, I thought. She sang very well, didn’t over-sing it, was full of emotion, and yet, it left me wanting. I’m not sure why? Actually, I think I do. She sang “Memories” and I don’t know if she knew whether she was supposed to sing happy or sing sad. So she sang both. I don’t think she understood the song. That, plus the song is shit. Ugh. I hate Babs so much.
Taylor gave another sub-standard performance that suffered from his flat, empty performance. I don’t believe he was “into” the song. He was singing the words, but only pretending to feel them. It showed.
Chris was the second best, last night, I thought, behind Elliott. As good as he is, his singing bores me now. Isn’t that strange, how he can be the one you pin your hopes on (well, you know, your American Idol hopes, which, really, are the cheapest hopes in your chest) a few weeks ago, and now he just sits there, in his Alterna-Rocker Safety-Tub, bathing in his own wondrousness. Who the heck are David Foster and Andrea Bocelli to dare try and teach Chris to be a better technical singer. Like they said, he’s all in his head.
Ugh. Too many words. Who cares!
Bottom Three tonight: Kelly, Elliott, Taylor
The Idol with the lowest number of votes…. will be revealed, right after the break.
Technorati Tags: American Idol
OK, I’ll be that guy.
I’ll post it on my blog later. 🙂
There. Done. 😀
I have mixed emotions about Katharine. She is a great singer, and I thought she was great last night, but the sex act is fake and it’s obvious. You can tell she’s not comfortable turning it on and it makes the viewer uncomfortable watching her. Didn’t see her panties by the way.
Kellie butchered my favorite song. I didn’t notice her makeup because I was too taken aback with her hair. Elaine from Seinfeld, anyone? And I don’t think it’s her dumbness that keeps her fans voting for her. It’s her hard-luck situation with her dad in prison and her mom abandoning her. That’s what I think.
And I realized last night that Taylor can’t sing. Pity, cuz I liked him.
Bottom three: Kellie, Elliott and Paris.
All aboard the stupid train! Pickler’s gone, baby! Yeah! Now who to give my stupid vote to?
I saw the panties.
I have thought Katherine has had a good shot from the beginning, though she was facing really tough competition.
I think her “Youthful” image, gives her a better shot at being idolesque in many people’s minds and that accounts for a great deal.
But I have to admit that I felt she was the girl with “something extra” even before she began to turn up the heat. She has a lot of talent and a lot of charisma and that may or may not beat pure talent at the end of the day, it depends upon whether she keeps rising to the occaision and going farther than she did the week before.
I was pleasantly stunned when she turned the heat up a few weeks ago. She was already my fav of the girls on the show, but when she turned up the heat I upgraded my assesment of her overall. Does she yet display some of the complete mastery of the music of two of the men?
No, not quite. But two men can split a vote if talents are close enought that the voting starts being about gender, especially if girls start strongly identifying with her as a role model and boys see her as mui calliente!
I well remember the student council election in my eighth grade (about 200 votes) where Lisa got all 100 of the girls’ votes and Joe and Tom split all the boy’s votes, about 52-58. Naturally, Idol voting is a lot more complicated than this, first of all the whole gender identification thing is a lot more confusing than it would have looked back then. Next, so do matters of taste.
What matters to me most, is that this season has had some great music. I am really, really sorry that I had to miss last night.
As for “Wardrobe Malfunctions” if all you saw were panties, I’m not sure how much of a malfunction it really was. Thought Randy Jackson might had some sympathy for her if she was at all em-bare-assed about it.
Now, if I can only convince them next season that I am 20 years younger. Where did I put that Just-For-Men?
I think dark brown would be a good choice to cover the grey invading a frightening portion of my beard. Now if I can only find a way to shift half my body size to an alternate dimension.
Just found your blog, very funny and well written.
Peter, Key Puncher and Spell Wrecker
The Peter Files Blog of Comedy, Satire and Commentary – A SFW Home for Those With Wacked Out Humerous Glands
One of my better posts. Bob Newhart, meets Ronco, meets Blogger or Typepad, meets The Online University of Cellblock 32 .