Sketch22 – Season Five            La Tragedia del Castrato    Draft: May 17, 2008

Lights up

A dressing room, such as in any theater anywhere.

Il Castrato sits at the dressing table. He addresses the audience.

Alas, my friends, attend this tale of woe.
For I, gelded on fame's throne lately sat
For tunes warbl'd, am falsetto castrat.
Cel'brated by all, like angel's rejoice
Melodies sung on high in pure of voice.
A pre-pubescent stunt, doctor performed:
My testicles chopp'd when not yet tenor
Left me permanently baritone deaf!
Now, my talents unequall'd, fame unmatch'd
Where 'ere I arrive, E! News is dispatch'd.
Fame, wealth, power. Invites to parties all.

Would give't all up just once to rub my balls.

A FEMALE FAN (obviously a man dressed as a woman, a'la Shakespeare's era) enters:

Female Fan:
Castrato! Tonight's performance was grand!!
That voice! That song! A marvel of God's hand!
Forgive my bold, but your fanatic I.
To sleep with you, perchance?  Oh, I would die!

(aside) Her face, fair enough. Her frame most sublime.
What's this? My loins seem stirring their first time?
Could this wond'rous wench so eager for cock
Be the one who my belt of chaste unlocks?
There!  Once and again! A rousing below!!
My dick comes alive for this fanatical ho!
(to fan)  Fan, if by "sleep" with me, you mean to screw
Then bend over, slut, we'll menage a deux.

Castrato bends her over a chair,

Female Fan:
Sir! To take me this way is an affront!

You'll cry affront when I take you a-back!!

He moves behind her, pulls up her dress and begins pumping. After a moment:

Female Fan:
Your thrust's too soft to penetrate my slick.
Would speaking sexy words make firm your dick?

Yes! Yes! Speak wicked words to get me hard!

Female Fan:
Me so horny!  Me love you long, long time!

Again!  Dirty up thy tongue and spew forth!

Female Fan:
You moisten my pool like the morning dew!

More pumping, then he stops abruptly.

Alack!!  Your teases are but wasted coin.
Sex seems a club my member cannot join.
For to climb inside your womanly quim
I'd need a sac in which my sperm could swim.

Female Fan:
Sperm spurn'd?!? Me?!?  You ball-less fop! Prancy niece!!
I've told all my friends I'd collect your cock!
Instead I'll tell them the castrato balk'd!!

Female Fan exits.  Castrato flops to the floor.

Oh woe is me!!  Doom'd to eternal soft!!
Is it too much to ask to let me hard?
To just once grow seed in my scrotal yard!

A JANITOR enters, sweeping up the dressing room.  He is wearing shorts.  A long and hairy scrotum hangs out one leg.

Pardon, my grace.

                    Sweep up fast, Janitor!

Castrato resumes his moping.  Janitor sweeps right past his face, making the balls impossible not to notice.  After a moment of staring at the Janitor's huge sac:

What ho! What part dangles betwixt thy legs?
Envious scrotum!! Oh bountiful grapes!
Were I to wield such a pair of round shapes
My sad sac mood would be forever bagg'd!
(to Janitor)  Good sir! How attach'd art thou to thy balls?

I fail to understand your intent sir.
I am surely attach'd in every way.

My intent is this: a bag-swap proposed.
Your ball-bag in exchange for my coin purse.

Castrato tosses a bag of money at Janitor.  Janitor checks its weight.

Such a grand sum just to lighten my load?
Let's do it quick, before my nerves erode.

Fast, then!  Up the table for de-balling.

Janitor climbs on table, lies on his back.  Castrato holds up the sac and moves the scissors into place.

Oh bright and thrilling anticipation!!
To think that after a quick castration
This wondrous pair will be sewn with pleasure
Betwixt my pegs to fondle at leisure!!

Wait! Might I play them one last time?  Then snip?

Rub away, good sweep!  But do not tarry.

Janitor gets off table, walks around massaging his balls.

Janitor (aside):
Such delight!  Happiness below my waste!
Perhaps my choice was made with too much haste?
Yes, it would be nice to have coin in bank
But what is life worth if one cannot wank?

Enough, Janitor. Let's untie this sac!

Yeah, about that… I'm having change of heart.
With these glorious balls I cannot part!

A deal struck!  Contract signed!  These balls are mine! 

Castrato grabs the janitor's balls and leads him around the room.

Unhand my sac!  Undo your grip at once!

Castrato picks up the scissors, holds them menacingly, still with balls in hand, janitor in tow.

The choice is yours, sir!  Your balls or your life?

My life and my balls are both in your hands.
You'll clip one or t'other as you demand.
I'm resolute in thought. No choice to make.
My life, yours. To Heaven my balls I take.

Janitor grabs the scissors and stabs himself with them, and stumbles around. Grabs onto Castrato and then dies.  Castrato falls to his knees.  Holds up the dead Janitor's balls.

What foolish notions mortal men behold.
For some to crave things like silver and gold.
Whilst others' desires lean more towards fame
There's those think conquest the name of the game.
Yet al
l their wishes seem scholarly fair
Compared to my wont for pleasure down there.
Two balls in hand, though none below my bush
It's with shame as off to Heaven I push.

Castrato grabs up the scissors, stabs himself and then dies.

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