And Do You Take This Tampon…?

The Man Whom God Himself Has Chosen To Rule The English is marrying Camilla Parker Bowles.  Raise your hands, who here will be getting up at 4:30am to watch the wedding?
I won’t, but I am guessing this will occur at the wedding:  The question will be asked, "Does anyone here have any reason why these two should not be wed?", all heads in attendance will first turn to Queen Elizabeth, who will subtly shake her head, long ago having given up trying to separate the two lovebirds.  Then heads will turn to that Dodi Fayed’s father, who will be too busy writing in his Big Book Of Conspiracies to raise his 4003 objections.  Finally, all heads will turn to the People of Great Britain, hoping they don’t pick this moment to say "The Monarchy is Bollocks!!" as the Commoners begin to take away the titles, castles and jewellery.  But the People of Britain won’t choose this moment to take up arms against The Royals, and a collective sigh of relief will be heard in the church.
Then, just as everyone turns back to the front, and the ceremony is about to continue, Princess Dead (she wasn’t dead after all!) will appear in the balcony at the back of the church, pounding on the Common-Folk-Repelling plexiglass window (the same strength plexiglass that the Pope uses in his Pope-Mobile), screaming "J’accuse!!!"
In the ensuing melee and craziness, Elton John will try to temper the crowd by beginning his one-time-only performance of  "England Bowles", his latest lyrical alteration to England’s Rose (which, only he knows, he’d also sing this summer when he opens the National Lawn Bowling Championships).
The roof of the church will then flip off, and a hot air balloon will be hovering overhead.  From the balloon’s bucket, Michael Jackson’s chimp Bubbles will motion for Charles and Camilla to ascend the Golden Rope of Scrutiny to the balloon and freedom.  Debating whether to do that, or listen to the second verse of Elton’s song (nervous about his recent Knighthood and how that would have him fair in the upcoming uprising, Elton would mis-sing the second verse, singing "England Blows!!"), they decide to climb the rope to the waiting chimp.
Camilla goes first, followed closely by Charles.  As he climbs the rope he looks up, and being provided a clear view up Camilla’s dress, sees she is not wearing any panties (and since Charles is wearing a Prince-Cam, the entire viewing audience also can see this spectacle).  Here, suddenly, he silently regrets that "I wish I was your tampon" line from a decade ago.
They climb in the balloon and Bubbles sails them off to freedom, never to be seen again.  Princess Dead turns out to have been a mass-hallucination, but Papa Fayed is unconvinced.  The Archbishop of Canterbury, who was presiding over the ceremony, asks if there’s "anyone here who’s gonna get hitched today, dammit!"  And if not, will he still get paid?
Baby-Spice stands up and declares that she’ll "marry anyone with a ten inch schlong. Right here, right now!", but sadly, nobody in attendance meets the requirement.
Right at this moment, a high-school student, angry that Baby-Spice demands a full ten inches, presses the button that begins the mechanism that revolves the floor, revealing the Thames that flows under the church.   The two QE’s (Queen Elizabeth and Queen Elton) are the first into the water, and having their blessing, everyone else jumps in too.

No, I’ll not bother watching.  See one wedding, you’ve seen them all.


  1. Excuse me! That wasn’t Baby Spice that was me. I was just trying out next year’s Halloween costume to see how effective and convincing it would be. I was also trying to get closer to Prince Harry. He is obviously the most fun of the two.


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