I Am Robot, Hear Me Sing

OMG!!!  Could you believe it when Paula said something negative about one of the contestants’ performance?  I was like SHUT UP!  Tammy, what are you wearing to school tomorrow?  Don’t wear your pink Hello Kitty because I’m wearing mine, kay?  And Anthony the Russian likes you.

I was just trying to get into the mindset of a 13 year old MSN Messenger girl because:
a) I go undercover on chatlines trying to trick perverts into  thinking I’m  13 and available, just part of the sting.
b) I want to try to understand the mentality that keeps voting for Anthony the ArMuEsRsIiCaAnN to stay in American Idol.
c) It just really turns me on.

Here’s my oh-so-important opinion about last night’s performances.  Ignore as you see fit:
The order in which I remember them:

Nadia:  She wears a red short short tina turner "I’m Still Sexy, Dammit!" dress, and it looks great.  She looks great, with legs that don’t quit.  Too bad her song was so dreadfully boring.  It was sung well (I thought) but there was just something lacking.  Nadia is in danger of Bottom Three tonight.  Oh, and she’s gotta be careful of those mouth contortions too.  Sure, sure, emote all you want, and the tina turner scowl face can look good if employed for just a sec, but when tina turner turns into the Rober DeNiro "I’m holding a pistol at your head, and I’m angry, and I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you" look…well, then you got problems.

Bo: I’m not a fan of Bo, even though, apparently, the rest of the world is.  His rendition of Free Bird was not very good in my opinion.  I’m not sure if it’s the song, or his version, but it seemed to consist of only 6 notes, sung in random order, over and over and all emitted with a "rock" grrrr through clenched rock balls.  Bo has lost some of his early favourite status, I’d say.

Scott:  I agree with Simon that many of Scott’s notes were not the right ones.  But, he sang them with heart and soul and conviction, and when you do that, well that cancels a lot of the mistakes.  I thought this was Scott’s best performance so far, and he even seems to be letting that Psycho Killer persona drop a little bit.  Heck, he was even smiling last night.  I think of all the contestants, Scott is the one who can best explore the emotion in a song.

Anwar:  Technically the best singer in the competition?  Technically the most consistently under-performing contestant.  Oh Amway, I’ve given up on you.  You have yet to show us the voice and emotion and joy that lies somewhere within you.  You are a singing robot, coded to sing the correct notes.  If it’s not too late (that is, if you don’t get booted off tonight, which is a real possibility) you need to become a human boy and discover your beating, blood-pumping heart.  If you make it past tonight, then no more do I want to hear: "the song I’m singing tonight is 1000100101001000110001111001010011001010001."

Anthony: Blech.  Blonde hair, blue eyes, good looking.  You remind me of a younger me.  Blech.  At least he performed the best I’ve seen him yet.  And that was still the worst of the bunch.  Anthony’s biggest problem is a weak voice.  In a singing competition, that’s a pretty serious problem.  But seeing as this is a popularity contest, keep on trucking, A-Fed.  I’ve already wasted more words on you than I think you deserve, but here’s a couple more: You shouldn’t be in this competition.

Carrie:  Guess what, world!  Carrie Rocks!!  Unfortunately, she doesn’t rock very well.  If you can, look at a replay of her performance last night.  She was most definitely there in body, but look behind the eyes, and she was a million miles away.  She also sings like a robot, if you ask me.  But a root that has had its emotion chip installed a thousand years ago.  That robot, you see, has long ago given up the quest to actually feel, think, emote like a hu-man.  All it can do is be almost hu-man.  Carrie is almost hu-man.

Vonzell: Oh Vonzell, I may have misjudged you.  I’ve called you on the lacking emotion in song earlier, but I think you must have found a couple of bags of Constantine’s Extra Emotion Elixir ™, because the last two weeks, you’ve brought your quality way up.  Last night, I thought she was the best of the bunch.  Let’s hear it for the girl!

Constantine:  Okay, Constantine was obviously rope-a-doping the competition in the early rounds.  Last three weeks. though, he’s been dynamite.  Last night’s "Bohemian Rhapsody" was a risky choice (I thought. Always dangerous to tackle an iconic song like that.  Just ask Simon about Free Bird.) but he did a great job with it.  I may even be succumbing to his smoldering eyes and pouty mouth.

Bottom Three tonight:
Anwar, Nadia, Carrie



  1. davem says:

    Carrie is a robot of love, top three. Anwar is a good machine. Scotty is malfunctioning song-bot. Nadia just needs Simon to pick her songs. Federov is surfing the 13 yearold wave to the top five. Bo might end up in bottom three tonight… Connie is top three of comp.Bottom three: Scott. Anwar. Nadia. Scotty gotta go tonight. He’s made all the girls nervous. Now the boys are getting jumpy.


  2. Scott says:

    Me think Carrie pretty. Me hold her in hand when I climb big building. Me no go home either. Hall and Oates like me. Not just Hall. Oates too! Oates! Bye Nadia.


  3. Sidney says:

    I am glad to see that you are coming to terms with both Constantine’s hotness and talent.


  4. Rusty says:

    El Predicto!


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