The Seal Deal

Sir Paul McCartney and his wife, Lady Heather Mills McCartney, were on our little province island of Prince Edward Island this week to speak out against the annual seal hunt.  They were asked to come, I assume, because Loretta Switt wasn’t getting it done anymore, publicity-wise.  In truth, Hot Lips was barely getting it done.  Even when she was The Big Name Celebrity Speaking Out Against Cruelty, we all knew she was really The Former Big Name Celebrity, Etc.  Still, every year, here she’d come, with fewer and fewer reporters caring, stay a few days, get her waxy face on as many news publications as she could, climb into her own M.A.S.H unit (Mobile Anti-Seal Helicopter), take a spin out to the Maritime Killing Fields, spend 3.2 minutes out in the cold for another photo-op with a specially selected (probably) bleached-white baby seal. 
I have reliable information that the PETA Laboratories (which is a contradiction of terms if I ever heard one) have recently begun to try breed seals and parrots, hoping that they can create a baby seal that sounds like it talks.  The goal, of course, would be to show us humans how human these defenseless baby seals are when they’re capable of saying “Polly wants a sturgeon”.  Nobody would dare kill them, then.  Except, I guess, the Anti-Sturgeon Hunt people.  Unfortunately for the anti-seal hunters, as of this writing, all attempts to create a parrot-seal hybrid have failed.  Closest they came to getting a seal to sound human only ended up sounding a bit like Terry Shiavo in her final weeks.  Ironically,  Terry Shiavo, in her final weeks, sounded exactly like a baby seal.  Two steps forward, two steps back PETA Labs!
So, for the past decade or so, they’d Calogen Loretta’s lips up (my Hollywood sources say that in certain circles, she’s now known as Fat Lips.  Of course, in most Hollywood circles, she’s known as “Who?”), and give her a one-way ticket to PEI to do her thing.  Yes, a one-way ticket.  We’d always, naturally, return her, free of charge, because, well, would you want her around?  The thing is, is that lately, we all knew Loretta’s Spotlight Time was up when, two years ago she said “Do I really have to get out of the helicopter again this year?  Can’t we just use stock footage of me from last year?”  The reply to that, everyone suddenly realised, was “You are stock footage, Miss Switt.”  Yes, dear reader, the anti-sealers needed a new spokes-person, and so, the search began for the next Soap-Box Celebrity.  And the word went out, far and wide:  “Which washed up vegetarian has a new movie, album, or reality show coming up?”    The answer:  Paul McCartney. (and his new album is pretty darn good, too).   And, yes, his wife has to come too.  (probably because his new wife doesn’t sing on it, like Linda did)
Well, The McCartneys have certainly stirred up the controversy, and injected a much-needed jolt of outrage into the annual seal hunt.  They even got an hour on CNN’s The Larry King Show.
For the anti-sealing lobby, this has to be seen as a huge victory, and lots of money will come their way, in the way of donations of support.  Of course, in four weeks, it’ll all be forgotten.  Until next year.  Memo to Gillian Anderson:  want to try to resurrect your career?  Well, what are you doing in March, 2007?  Ever hear of PEI?  How ’bout Nova Scotia?
Actually, Paul McCartney is an inspired choice to be anti-sealing spokesperson.  He’s long been a supporter of animal rights, and hasn’t eaten an animal since that time he accidentally bit the leg of Eric Burden in a London orgy club in 1967.  Some people may think that Paul is new to the seal protest, but actually has been anti-seal-hunt for a long, long time.  I’m pretty sure I read once where, back in 1961, when The Beatles were performing in Frankfurt, Paul actually refused to play in the Reeperbahn bar known as Die Dichtung Holzhammer.  Loosely translated, means The Seal Club.  Also, Paul has a certain connection with seals and their ilk, ever since the late 60’s when it was discovered that Paul was The Walrus.

And what do I think about the seal hunt?  Well, I’m a pretty cold-hearted guy and I don’t buy into the whole “killing cute baby seals is wrong” thing.  The focusing on the ‘cute’  is sensationalistic and makes me only hear that side of the debate as propoganda.  It bugs me the way, as Lady Heather Mills McCartney did, the anti-seal hunt people persist in trying to humanize the seals.  On Larry King there was a clip where she was saying how wouldn’t it be awful if you had your baby taken away at one month old and killed in a vicious way.  That is exactly the kind of bullshit, sentimental, propoganda crap that I hate.
I have no strong convictions either for or against the seal hunt.  But I do think Prince Edward Island can benefit from it though, in terms of global recognition.    Every year, it’s like a free tourism ad.  “PEI- The Gentle and Viciously Cruel To Seals Island”  PEI – Winter or Summer, all you need is one bag:  In the summer, fill it with golf clubs.  In the winter, fill it with either seal clubs, or outrage.  We’ll welcome you all!
My solution to the seal hunt:  offer all the sealers 70% of the income they would have made, on the provision that they don’t show up.  That way, only the serious sealers will be there.  You know, the ones who really want to kill seals.
Of course, PEI still has a long way to go to get the global recognition we desire.  On Larry King, when the Premier of Newfoundland invited Paul and his wife to come to Newfoundland to get that province’s perspective on the debate, Paul, ignorantly said “we already are here.  We’re in a studio right now, in Newfoundland”.  The premier had to inform Sir Paul that he was, in fact, in PEI.
Damn, that hurts.  Like a club to the head.

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  1. graham says:

    Good stuff, Rob. I laughed many times and it made me stop and think… what if my liberal left wing mind is less left then I thought. What if the left IS made up of spoiled celebs and privaliged whities. Then as I type this I see that the right is ALSO made up of spoiled celebs and privaliged suburbites. Both sides consist of a buncha people whom I have little or no respect for, so I’m gonna base my views in this life on my own judgements, not on others (I lie), and hope to one day understand everyone (more lies), so I can act as an intermediary to all opinions.

    As for the seal hunt, I think what those seal hunters do is quite, quite humane compared to what I do with the seals I have in captivity in my “love box”, in my basement.

    Plus those dirty seals are like the rats of the sea. They eat all our cod and lobsters.


  2. Monty says:

    Well said. I have to wonder, also, why the seal hunt, which as an industry, feeds children. Why not the annual deer hunt, moose hunt, fowl hunt, or any of the innumerable sport hunts, which (and you have to admit it) only kill for ‘prestige’?

    “Yup, got me a twelve point buck this year…”

    Bet the folks that have to club a seal to feed a hungry child don’t like bragging about the mess…


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