Kevin Covais, the Shitty… An American Idol Rant

You can see it in his eyes.  He now thinks he is something.  And I blame you, Randy and Paula.
I’m talking about the 16 year old American Idol contestant Kevin Covais.  He’s a deer-in-the-headlights dweeb with a weak voice who somehow managed to make it to the final 12, and inexplicably survived through last night’s first top-12 elimination (he wasn’t even in the “Bottom Three”!!!).  The “somehow managed”, though, isn’t such a mystery to my eyes.  The AI producers saw early on that this guy was their joke contestant.  The go-to guy, good for a few laughs, the odd funny line, and willing to play along and make fun of his own funny looks and nebbishness.  You could practically see the producers rubbing the Endearing Glue on his back, tossing him on the Big Map Of America and seeing if anything sticks.  Well, he stuck.  Only problem is, he can’t sing.  Not a bit.  He’s terrible, in fact.  But that doesn’t matter, because America Lervs him.
Well, enough of America loves him to keep him in the competition for at least another week, despite being unquestionably the worst singer of the bunch.  He’s miles worse than anyone else still competing.  No, I fear that Shitty Kevin Covais will last through at least a couple more weeks.
Normally, I wouldn’t care (and truthfully, I don’t, except in that totally meaningless superficial “who wore the best gown at the Oscars” kind of way), except that I see a disturbance in the Endearing Force of Kevin Covais.  Now, he is starting to believe the hype.  You can see it in his eyes.  No, of course he doesn’t believe the claims that he’s a legitimate sex-symbol.  Everyone gets that joke, even him.  But, I’m afraid that he’s starting to believe that he actually belongs in this competition.  That he’s on par, vocally, with the rest of the competition..  Kevin…honey… you’re not.
I blame, of course, the producers for letting the joke go this far.  I blame Randy and Paula for never really questioning his vocal talents and only commenting on how much they like his performing-monkey antics.  Well, Paula I can’t blame, because, well, who can blame the rainbow that bursts within your heart?  She’s the joke judge, so naturally she’s beyond blame. 
It’s “shame shame” on Randy, though, for playing along with the charade.  Man, he’s so frustrating, Randy is, because he seems like he should have better sense than he displays, but he continues to side with Paula.  And, yes, there is his general lack of ability to communicate a complete thought, but we can forgive him that.  We can’t forgive him his decisions to side with Paula, all for the sake of “making Simon the bad guy”.  Too bad, Randy, that by willingly doing so, you are tarnishing any position of respect you’ve earned.  I know why he does it though, why he sides with Paula.  He’s a huge delicate bubble of a man, you see, and everytime he venture into the negative constructive criticism world, the “boos” of the audience are like pin-pricks on him, and his soul bursts.  He simply cannot handle people not liking him.  So, he lies, and says exactly what the audience wants to hear.  Or rather, he bullshits himself through all of his criticisms so that it really doesn’t matter what he says, since it doesn’t really make sense.
Back to Shitty Kevin Covais.  The only one who refuses the play the game is Simon.  He’s the only one who ever comments on Kevin’s lack of singing chops.  And while I expect the audience to boo him for it, I get angry when Randy and Paula complain about his speaking the truth. I hate it when Ryan calls him out on it, too, because Ryan calls him out on exactly the wrong reasons.  Ryan always claims that Simon never gives constructive criticism, but in fact, Simon is usually the only one who does so.  Anyway, that bugs me.
And, now, I blame Kevin, too, for his part in the charade of his participation.  Because, now he is believing he’s deserving.  You can see it in his eyes. He’s believing he belongs.
And he so doesn’t belong.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! I hate this show so much!!!!
Can’t wait for next week!

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61 Comments

  1. I predict Randy will inexplicably turn on young Kevin in 2 weeks claiming that he really does like the dude, but man, this competition is about finding the best in America, dawg. It will come without any relationship to the kid’s performance that night and will contradict most of what he previously said.

    Like

  2. Well, obviously Randy can’t be as brutally honest as Simon. Who could, really? But I think the frustrating thing about Randy is that he seems to have the potential to be a legit judge whose opinion you may not always agree with, but at least respect. I’m referring to those fleeting times when he has the balls enough to tell the truth and give an honest, decent critique on a performance. It’s like, you had my respect that one time dawg, but then he loses it with his next thirty comments! And really though, can you blame him? If he told it like it is, then Paula would look like even more of a twit with her rainbow vision of the performers, which is hard to imagine being any more rainbowy. Scary, in fact. I like rainbows as much as the next guy, but not when they’re as caustically, retina-burningly vibrant as Paula’s is.

    Just the same, the survival of Kevin is just another little part of the show that has gotten it’s hooks into me. I’ll continue to follow his inevitable heart-breaking demise over the weeks to come. Even when I almost turn off the TV as he hugs seven year-old fans presenting him with cardboard signs proclaiming their love, I’ll be there.

    Now that’s sadistic.

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  3. The producers’ trick has worked in that case, but you are right: out goes Randy’s credibility. Just another reality show which works based on the whim of producers and ratings.

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  4. Kevin, personaly for a 16 yr old is good at singing. Maybe not his best choice but he is good at it. I love Kevin so much and a paid actor to go on the show and the producers helping him behind it all is just too far out there! He’s a sweet 16 yr old boy who deserved to be in the top 12! and he has a big future for it also. Kevin is just a normal 16 yr old boy who decided to go on american idol because he DOES sing good. Thats all. He’s a wonderful kind hearted singer. who knows exactly how to make everyone smile. Especially me! i absolutley dispise the guy who wrote all that junk about Kevin covais. You know he’s good dont go playin along. he doesnt just reach out to 11 yr. old girls but to everyone that has a big enough heart to exept everyone.im not even 13 yet and i get most things immature adults dont. Like, exepting everyone! Its just not normal if you dont! Think about that!

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  5. she’s right. He doesn’t just appeal to 11 year old girls. He also seems to appeal to 13 year old girls.
    Your little hormones are getting the better or your taste and judgement. You say in one sentance that you “exept (accept) everyone” and that is what mature people do, then in another sentance you say you “absolutley dispise the guy who wrote all that junk about Kevin covais”. Not very accepting if you ask me. You’re just a little girl who crushes on Idols.

    Whahahah! I out-witted a 13 year old girl… and I’m only thirty. I feel pathetically great, comically triumphant and like a superior loser. Take that!
    Who’s mature now?

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  6. she's right. He doesn't just appeal to 11 year old girls. He also seems to appeal to 13 year old girls.Your little hormones are getting the better or your taste and judgement. You say in one sentance that you “exept (accept) everyone” and that is what mature people do, then in another sentance you say you “absolutley dispise the guy who wrote all that junk about Kevin covais”. Not very accepting if you ask me. You're just a little girl who crushes on Idols.Whahahah! I out-witted a 13 year old girl… and I'm only thirty. I feel pathetically great, comically triumphant and like a superior loser. Take that!Who's mature now?

    Like

  7. I LOVE Kevin. I can’t believe you call him shitty. He is so ADORABLE! I was really sad when he got off the show. Ace smells like butt though. I hate Ace, Paris, and Bucky.

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  8. OK so now he is evidently liked by 11 year old girls, 13 year old girls and this Shaun guy who thinks Kevin’s the best.
    Good company, idiot.

    Like

  9. OK so now he is evidently liked by 11 year old girls, 13 year old girls and this Shaun guy who thinks Kevin's the best.Good company, idiot.

    Like

  10. I’m with ya on this one, & I got yo back on it, G-dawg. I’m ready for a grown man vs apparent pre-teen rumble! We can rumble outside where Back Alley Discs used to be. It’ll be kinda like the “Beat It” video! (There, that should confuse the kiddies)

    Like

  11. Mmm… bandannas…

    Speaking of idols… this thread and an article I read on last night’s pre-show Juno awards got me thinking. I did a little entry on it on my blog. Should be enough to irk any pre-pubers that see it accidentally. I still have to put in my choices for Yankee Idol tunes, too… I’ll think on that after I get my work done… and after I find my rumble duds and siwtchblade comb.

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  12. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Kevin is adorable he is soooooo cute unlike you you!!!!!!!!And Kevin is a great singer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOSH!!!!!!
    BYE.

    From,
    Kevins biggest fan

    Like

  13. Not only 13yearolds and 11 yearolds like kevin Im 12 and i LOVE Kevin!!!!!And i also really hate the guy who wrote this and every1 who agrees w/ him.Kevin is a great singer who didnt deserve to get voted off!!! Plus hes adorable.So u need to shut up get a life and stop dissing Kevin you freak!!!!!!!!!!!!
    From,
    Kevins biggest fan

    Like

  14. I love all these “kiddie” posts… no way they’re all real.
    Wonder who’ll suck the most tonight? Whatever happens, none of them will suck as bad as Kevin, that’s for sure.

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  15. Hey its me again,
    This is to bautiful.I am really 12 so u need 2 back off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Kevin does NOT suck !!!!!!! U do. Luzr.Sooo………..U just got told by a “kiddie” 12 year old.
    From,
    Kevins biggest fan

    Like

  16. Deer-in-the-headlights not so beautiful,
    U need 2 get yo ugly mind off Kevin because even though he looks like chicken little he 50 times wut youll ever be so get ur ugly a** mind off

    ur not so friend,
    MS LUVD ALOT

    Like

  17. Somewhere in here… maybe not so deep, is a sketch. Yep, maybe not deep at all. You know, like the talent of Kevin Covais. I know this, because I’m a music producer. Or… so I’ve been told. Once. By a drunk blonde chick.

    Like

  18. You may be 12, but you spell like you’re 7.
    I don’t care if you like Kevin or not. I still think you are a human being and deserve the same respect any human does.
    I’m just concerned that the media has warped you little child brain along with thousands of others into some bullshit sci-fi state of hypnosis, where some twerp is cute as soon as he’s on TV.
    If you went to school with Kevin, before he was famous, you’d be just one more kid who ignored him as he moped through the hallways. There’s probably a twerp in your school right now who’s as big a dweeb as Kevin is… ask that loser out before he ends up on TV.

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  19. You may be 12, but you spell like you're 7.I don't care if you like Kevin or not. I still think you are a human being and deserve the same respect any human does.I'm just concerned that the media has warped you little child brain along with thousands of others into some bullshit sci-fi state of hypnosis, where some twerp is cute as soon as he's on TV.If you went to school with Kevin, before he was famous, you'd be just one more kid who ignored him as he moped through the hallways. There's probably a twerp in your school right now who's as big a dweeb as Kevin is… ask that loser out before he ends up on TV.

    Like

  20. Hey graham,

    I do not spell like im 7 so u need 2 shut up.And no i would not ignore Kevin if he was at my school be for he was famous.I would of thought he was a adorable little nerd and i would of liked him.Andfd all the nerds at my school are butt ugly and are just plain at werid.

    From,
    Kevins biggest fan

    Like

  21. (tries to find bandanna)

    The first letter of a person’s name, and the letter “i”, when being used to refer to yourself, should be capitalized. Any number less than ten should be spelled out. One space goes after a period. “You” is not “u”. “I’m” has an apostrophe. “To” is not “2”, unless you’re Prince. Then it’s OK (look him up on allmusic.com, and you’ll understand). Is “be for” supposed to be “before”? It’s “would have”, not “would of”, no matter how you say it. Use “an” instead of “a” before a word that starts with a vowel. Plus, watch out for typos.
    (Your next book report on “Frog and Toad are Friends” is going to be awesome!)

    I think it’s funny how you only like cute nerds, and not the butt-ugly or weird ones. You’re kind of picky in being non-judgmental. I also like the fact that you admit he’s a nerd… albeit an almost talentless, weird-looking one.

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  22. Some of the things I said were abbreviations I also dont look over what I type that’s why there was so many errors, and I also don’t feel like capitalizing letters most of the time. Kevin is not talentless, and he is a great singer and actor. He also isn’t weird looking, he’s cute. So shut up you idiot!!!
    From,
    Kevin’s Biggest Fan

    Like

  23. Not as many errors that time. Great! I’m glad we’ve helped you. You’ve come a long way. Now, we just have to fix this taste in music of yours.

    Being older and wiser, we’ve seen cycles of people falling into this same trap several times. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just don’t realize what you’re doing. You’re not yet wordly enough to tell bad music from good music, and real stars from wee geeks. It’s not your fault. In time, you’ll see how wrong you are right now, and maybe when you do, you’ll come back here to thank us.

    We try to help because we know better, and because we care. We’re just trying to help you help yourself.

    Next time you want to buy what you think is a cool CD, or profess someone’s awesomeness, feel free to ask us first. We’ll tell you if you’re right or not.

    We’re good like that

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  24. For the record, I choose not to be associated in Steverino’s “we” in the previous comment. For I know, just like ILOVEKEVINYOUIDIOT knows, where the true power lies in Hollywood.

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  25. When I first read this blog, I thought Rob was being a little egotistical referring to it as a rant. A long, overblown comment on a subject is not a rant. Oh, me of little faith. This blog topic now has a total of 27 comments. And since wikipedia clocks a rant in at 24, this is one rocking rant! It’s ranting my face off! Rant on, muthafucka! Once again, the Annekenstein Monster rallies the public on the most thought-provoking issues. Well done, Monster.

    27 rants, wow…

    Wait! 28! I’m a part of history, baby! Unstoppable!

    Like

  26. Yes, rant on, you crazy diamonds. Sorry Rob. When I said “we” I should have said “Graham and I”. If G-Diddy doesn’t agree with me, then just read any “we” like I’m referring to myself in third-person, royal style!

    It’s all facetiousness, you know… with some truth thrown in. Yeah, Hollywood’s got scads of power. It’s not the make-all, be-all, and end-all, though. I’m just buoyantly trying to do my part in righting this little one’s sinking-ship sense of talent. It’s rough watching one tout something / someone as being fabulously talented when they’re obviously not. Covais had one or two moments where what he was singing wasn’t 100% awful. He could sing one style so-so. Was it good or great, though? No. I found his little blinky beady 4-eyes, crooked little puckery mouth, and lack of showmanship hard to stomach. I just can’t see how anyone could REALLY think the kid was awesome. As Vizzini would say, it’s inconceivable!

    I guess I’m just saying Covais isn’t a true star, and that ILOVEKEVINYOUIDIOT should focus their adorations elsewhere, on some truly talented individuals or groups. There’s lots of under-adored acts out there who could use more of the support they deserve.

    Like I said, I’m willing to help the whole world get some sense, one person at a time.

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  27. In truth, Steverino, I am totally on your side and agree with you 100%.
    My comment on the “we” and the power in Hollywood was merely the groundwork for a complete and total mindfuck of ILOVEKEVINYOUIDIOT, where I pretend to take his side, only to skewer him later on.
    I have since decided not to bother with that course of action as it implies too much thought and, well, care.

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  28. Hey its me again.I no that Kevin isn’t the besdt singer ever, but I still think he is a great singer and a cute little nerd. Steverino you said you’ll tell me who some good singers are, tell me some I want 2 see if I agree w/ you, even though I don’t think I will.

    From,
    Kevin’s biggest fan

    Like

  29. I don’t want to shock your system and turn you away from musical goodness, so I’d like to stick as closely as I can to what you like.
    What kind of stuff do you usually listen to? In particular, what singers do you like? What do you really dislike?

    Bucky sang on Regis and Kelly today. Just him and a piano. You know what? When he sings more quietly, without going all hoarse and twangy, he’s not half bad. Well, OK, maybe just half. Or so. Better than usual, anyway!

    Like

  30. Ummm…….. Ok. Mariah Carry,Nelly,Beyonce,Keyshia Cole, All American Rejects,Fall out Boy,basically every 1 on B97 (97.1), and some other people.

    Who’s everyone’s favorite person on American Idol???

    From,
    Kevin’s biggest fan

    Like

  31. Well… I’ve decided to just give you some good singers/songs, to heck with easing you along.
    Look for these tunes… some mellow/sombre ones to balance out the pop you listen to:

    Sam Cooke – A Change is Gonna Come
    Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should’ve Come Over
    Wide Mouth Mason – Ease your Mind (or any of their stuff, for that matter… I have a copy of Shaun’s solo CD, too, that’s amazing)
    Ron Sexsmith – Foolproof
    Blue Rodeo – Try, or Bulletproof
    Chris Cornell – When I’m Down

    Just some good ones which went through my player ce soir, off the top of my head.

    Like

  32. Oh yeah. I dig a lot of new stuff, even some pop. As long as it moves me somehow, I’ll like it. Whether it physically moves me, or moves me with its lyrics, music, or emotion… it doesn’t matter. If it’s moving somehow, it’s good.

    Know what you might like?

    http://www.gohomeproductions.co.uk

    Best mash-up artist I’ve found. He takes two or more tunes and combines them into something new. He’s got some X-tina vocals over some cool older tunes that come out pretty well… you may like them (“Girl Wants”, for example). There’s some other dandies in there, too… like “Rapture Riders” and “Karma in the Life”.

    Lots of free tunes to download… you’ll be the coolest kid ’round.

    Like

  33. Hey

    Sorry I havntleft any comments I had tons of school stuff.I not happy ace went home I liked him.Are yall happy Kelly went home I kinda am cause she wasnt the best singer ,but she had a goog personality.

    Like

  34. Yeah I’m glad Kelly went. She actually got away with one, by getting that far into the competition. I hate to admit it, but if it wasn’t for her looks she woulda been gone before Kevin. Actually I think Kevin was more feminine then Kelly. hmm.

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  35. exsuse me, but you are so wrong and rude.
    what’s wrong with who ever wrote this crap. anyways, why are you so stuck up.
    don’t hate him just because he’s cute.
    if you hate the show why do you watch it, your point being nothing, so tell me stuck up person; what’s your point, it’s you don’t have one.
    i happen to me the one of many who love kevin covais, not because he’s popular now but because he’s soooooo cute!

    Like

  36. I didn’t watch AI this year and want to make up my own mind… but can’t find an audio file of Kevin – can anyone tell me where I can find one? AI’s site doesn’t have one so maybe you naysayers are right about his voice. I’m thinking he must have a great voice though to have made the top 12 considering the nerd factor.

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  37. Nevermind, I found ’em on AI’s site. He has a nice voice. I wouldn’t buy a CD or pay to download his music but I can see why he made the top 12. In fact he’s better than some who’ve made it in the past.

    Like

  38. I still LOVE Kevin!But i’m happy Taylor won he is a great singer even though he dances really bad.

    Kevins Biggest Fan,
    Maureen(ILOVEKEVINYOUIDOIT)

    Like

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