Last night, the American Idol kids (and their Uncle Taylor) performed songs from the 21st Century. Today, as I sit in the early years of that same 21st century, I rank their performances. I will start with the best performance and sink to the bottom of the barrel.
Taylor was the best of the bunch last night. I don’t think I’d like to hang out with Taylor, because I think he’d spend most of the night looking for a microphone to sing into, so he’d be able to rid his soul of some, well, soul. Men need to ejaculate every so often, to relieve the pressure of built up semen. To Taylor, I think soulfulness is his semen. It just builds up in him and he has to release it. Those who tuned in to last night’s show saw him wank off in a pretty controlled way. Simon wanted Taylor to stroke a bit harder, but Taylor said he just wanted to sing tonight, not to show off. I found that to be a very interesting comment and makes me think that Taylor is pretty astute in knowing what he needs to do to make it far in the competition. When I started this paragraph, I honestly didn’t know I’d be heading towards that Soulful Stage Masturbation analogy.
Paris was quite good, I thought. She has incredible stage-presence for a 17 year old, and her voice is always exceptional. As she was shaking her underage booty pretty good at one point, I knew that at least one of the judges would tell her to portray her age more. I am not sure, but I think at least one did. But I think that’s bad advice, or at least, cowardly. I think that advice has more to do with them thinking that their viewers (ie, America) can’t handle sexuality from someone that age.
Elliott was pretty good, I thought. I appreciated the jazzy version of that song he did (I’m always terrible remembering the names of the songs they perform). I did get the sense that he was kind of always singing on the verge of total catastrophe last night, and didn’t look particularly at ease. He strayed away from the proper notes a couple of times, and yeah, his stage presence leaves much to be desired, but I thought he was good. He doesn’t have the face of an Idol, though. A good radio-face, his.
Chris performed his song well, but I was glad Simon called him on singing the same types of songs week after week. Been there, done that, Chris. Now we need to see something else from you. Interesting, too, to hear Simon comment on how a Creed song doesn’t fit in with the American Idol experience. It must be such a tug-of-war for people like Chris and Elliott and Taylor to feel the need to conform to fit the Idol model, yet aspire to keep their individual and unique spirits alive. Wow, what a touchy-feely sentence that was.
Katharine was just okay, I thought. I got a little angry with the way the judges talked up her performance as if it was odorless shit. It’s pretty obvious that they are trying to get her to go as far in the competition as she can, and are more than willing to lie to get her there.
Mandisa did a super job singing her gospel song, but I thought exactly like Simon did. That it was totally self-indulgent. I really didn’t like her for forcing that on us. And yes, I realise that “forcing” is only possible if I don’t have access to a remote or movable legs. But that couch was comfy, and the remote was a bit more than arm’s reach away. So, yeah, I was Forced to listen to her preaching to me.
Bucky did a good job singing his country song. I didn’t like the country song and I don’t like Bucky’s country persona.
Ace has so fallen off the radar. I think his good looks are even starting to fail him. I noticed a few times last night that he’s resorted to those smoldering-sexy-look-into-the-camera moves to try and compensate for his lack of talent. What’s his name from last season did that all the time. And I am gleeful that I honestly cannot remember what’s his name’s name. Gleeful!
I didn’t actually get home in time to see Lisa‘s performance, but based solely on the 5 second recap at the end of the show, I have to say it was awful.
And that leaves Kellie as the worst of the night. Now, maybe her actual singing performance wasn’t as bad as Lisa’s, but overall, Kellie’s deperate attempts to be noticed far outreach the patheticness of any other contestant. You know that scene in some movie, where the aging actress starts to lose her mind, and she sits at the mirror and begins to apply lipstick to her lips, but it’s kind of too much, but rather than wipe off some of the lipstick, she begins to apply even more lipstick, so much so that it begins to cover her whole face, and her eyes get really wide and scary and lost and desperate as she’s grabbing the lipstick like it was a butcher’s knife and she’s swiping wildly at her face with her lipstick and it’s totally smeared all over her face as she begins to wail and have a complete nervous breakdown? Well, that’s what happening to Kellie. Only instead of smearing lipstick over her face, she’s smearing dumb. Right now, the Pickler Smear of Dumbness ™ is being contained to the lips and chin and lower cheekbones, but you can see in her eyes that she’s lost her mind and it’s only a matter of time before she’s completely smeared in dumb. I fear we won’t get to see that ultimate onstage moment, though, as her Idol days must surely be numbered. I realise now that I was wrong in wanting Kevin to leave the show because I actually looked forward to seeing his lack of talent being displayed along with his false sense of importance. Now, for pure potential car-crash shock value, there only Kellie.
Please, America, don’t vote out the Pickler. I want to see her crash!
Bottom Three: Kellie, Lisa, BuckyorAce (probably Bucky)
The one to leave: Lisa. Can’t say I’ll miss her.