Rob Promises: A New Scarlet Letter

Alright, after a weekend without campaigning here for my fake run for the provincial legislature under the banner of The Bridal Shower Party, my fake independent political party, I’m back with some more promises that are sure to get me elected.  Even though I’m not really running.

Today’s promise: A new Scarlett Letter

That’s right, kids.  If I get even a modicum of power in this province, I’ll be pushing for a cleansing of sorts.  I’ll establish a posse comitatus whose main purpose is to quell noise in this province.  It will be a two-tiered system of Quietess.  First, is The Scarlett Letter Campaign: a certain number of trusted civilians in the province will be given paintball guns.  They will be free to shoot, with a bright red paint ball, anyone who is deemed to be causing excessive noise.  Harley motorbikes, muscle cars, drunken late-night muscle-heads all will be at risk.  If you get shot with a paint ball gun, it’s your notice to Quiet The Hell Down!!  If, after the initial Red Scarlett Letter Paintball has hit you, you remain noisy, then you are at risk and subject to Phase Two:  The Provincial Rubber Bulleting.  A certain number of citizens will be equipped with scoped rifles and a supply of rubber bullets.  They will be authorized to shoot anyone who is emblazoned with a Red Scarlett Letter Paintball blast and is still deemed to be too noisy.  We’ll make sure these rubber bullets hurt like hell. 

If this doesn’t shut them up, then I don’t know what.

Don’t make me come up with a Phase Three, people!!

This island is, for better or worse, known as The Gentle Island.  Vote for me and I’ll make it The Quiet Island.


  1. Paul H says:

    You forgot the obvious target…White guys who have mega-stereos in their cars blasting the bass full bore on gansta rap music who think the rest of the world loves their choice of music. Splat!! right on the too much seat reclined forehead….Oh yeeees…..


  2. stan rogers says:

    I’ll vote for you if I can have one of the guns. Oh and by the way, I blare Stan Rogers’ music out of my car stereo as a public service; no one would dare to call it noise.


  3. Paul H says:

    are your car windows tinted? Is your seat reclined way too far back? Do you have spinner hubcaps? Do people laugh, point and snicker at you? Do girls roll their eyes when you drive past them?


  4. Derek Martin says:

    Sign me up. I can see University Ave from my window…


  5. I’m sorry to have learned that you did not get a seat in this election. I unofficially voted for your unofficial party. Maybe next term.


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