Is My Husband Gay? Methinks I Doth Protest Too Much

Here’s the link.

Okay, so this article got me thinking – Am I secretly gay? 
Thank goodness there’s this test for women to take to see if their husbands are gay.
I’m not a woman (I wish!), but let’s see if I fit the bill.  (and first of all, I realize that using a lispy “doth” in the title of this post might not be a great “straight” start, so to show that I’m being fair and balanced, I’ll rate myself as starting at 1% GAY based on that lisping title)

So, here’s the article, linked above, and my responses to each point is italicized.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

I never use my cellphone. Well, hardly ever.  And only for texting, really.  Don’t know why I have one.  I hardly ever get calls from guys.  Just my nagging wife, and she’s certainly not a guy.
As for late-night computer use – I have to colour myself guilty on that.  But only a little bit of that is for pornographic purposes.  I’m going to rate myself as “HALF NOT GAY” on this first point.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

Any winking I do is a result of my twitchy, lazy left eye.  It has a mind of its own. I would have to say I don’t spend “too” much time looking at other men.  Just much time looking at men.  And only because they’re in my line of sight.  What am I supposed to do, NOT look at the hot guy who is walking in front of me?  I don’t get visibly upset when a guy doesn’t return a compliment I give him.  (doesn’t say anything about getting upset privately, in my mind, so I guess I’m okay on that one)  I’m going to rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Ha, I don’t even GO to church, so I guess that excludes me from this point. Oh wait.  I do kind of mentor the all-male crew in Sketch22.  No, wait, I just remembered, there’s a girl stage-manager in the group, so that more or less cancels that concern.  Because of the almost all-male Sketch22 group, I’ll rate myself as THREE-QUARTERS NOT GAY on this point.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

I don’t abhor the sweat and smell of men.  In fact, I kinda like it.  Other than that, though, I am overly whatever-the-opposite-of-fastidious about my appearance.  And my home is a mess.  My body hair is as god gave me.  However, I do spend more time getting ready for a night out than my wife, but that’s just because i don’t let my wife go out at night.  Rating myself 100% TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Want to know how NOT GAY I am?  I have an interest in sports and don’t have a gym membership.  That’s the exact opposite of this point, so I am the exact opposite of secretly gay.  Although, truthfully, the descriptions in this post are kind of turning me on.  I’ll take that as a worrisome sign and rate myself as ONE QUARTER GAY on this point.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Lean, hard bodies – that counts me out.  Do all gay men possess lean, hard bodies?  I wonder?  Come to think of it, most of the guys in Sketch22 have lean, hard bodies.  I’ve casually noticed when we’re in the dressing room, changing.  Maybe they’re secretly gay?  Next time I’m doing the show, I’ll have to take notice if they wear small-sized t-shirts, and maybe check to see if they’re checking out their own buttocks in skinny jeans.  Based on the fact that I have a fat, soft body, I’ll rate myself as TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

The only sexual demand I place on my wife is that she wear a strap-on dildo and put it in my bum.  But it’s a girl wearing it, so that’s okay, right?  Rating myself 100% ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY on this point.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

I’m not sure how to answer this one, because there are no women in the pornographic films I watch. If it helps, I would
say that I don’t seem to be any more interested in either the masculine or effeminate looking guys in the films. I enjoy them both equally.  Guess I’ll rate myself as 75% NOT GAY on that.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

I rarely travel.  Neither of us do, really, so this point is not relevant to my life.  However, whenever I go and get take-out from the China Garden, I find myself wondering if there’s anyone in the back who’d be up for a bit of deplorable same-sex action.  No, wait, I mean I DON’T find myself wondering about deplorable same-sex action in the bathroom at China Garden.  I mean, back room.  I’ve never been in the bathroom at the China Garden.  Rating myself TOTALLY NOT GAY on this point.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

My son is 16, and he often has friendly young male friends over to our place.  I don’t go out of my way to be nice to his friendly young male friends, I don’t think.  I’d say I use just the right amount of abstinence in getting too friendly with them.  Is “abstinence” the right word here?  Doesn’t sound right.  Rating: TOTALLY NOT GAY.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

I hate to say it, but I think I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t admit that anyone who knows me would describe me as sassy.  Therefore, I think I have to rate myself as THREE QUARTERS GAY on this point.  Oh no you di’nt!! Yes, I sure did!

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

Okay, I’m getting a bit worried now.  Last point described me to a T, and now I have to admit that my three favourite TV Shows are Glee, The Golden Girls and Gossip Websites.  I wouldn’t say I’m “obsessed” with romantic and feminine shows – I mean, I don’t get THAT upset when my son inadvertently deletes the romantic and feminine shows that I’ve downloaded for late-night viewing – especially don’t get visibly mad when his friendly young male friends are around.  Still, if I’m being honest, I’ll have to rate myself 75% GAY on this point.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Okay, I’m back on track for being NOT GAY.  Don’t own a Speedo, because I know it doesn’t make me look strong.  Does it?  Do you guys think I look strong when I’m in a Speedo?  Don’t mean to pepper you with that question, but I’d be interested to know.  If you want to answer that question, guys, you could probably find me at the Shirtless Picnic I’ve organized for myself and the rest of the guys in Sketch22.  I’m holding it in my backyard.  If you come, remember, it’s BYOB (bring your own bare chest!)  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Good, another point that clears me of any gay tendencies.  I don’t have sudden heavy drinking.  I’ve always been a heavy drinker – at least, I have been since I got married, and that’s like 23 years ago, so no suddenness about that.  Rating myself 100% NOT GAY on this point.  Easy.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

This question above is not for me, so I’ll not include it in my statistics.

So, there you have it.  I’ll not bother going back over the ratings, but it seems to me that it’s pretty clear, based on this scientific questionnaire from the Christwire website (and who does scientific research better than Christians?) I’d have to say that this proves that I am practically NOT GAY.

1 Comment

  1. Ann says:

    Hey, wait a second! You love football. And that is one very gay sport!


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