Dealing With A Zombie Apocalypse, Part One

If The Walking Dead teaches us anything, it’s this: during the initial stages of a zombie apocalypse, it’s the zombies that pose the biggest threat to your life.  Later on, it’s The Living (specifically: egomaniacal insane dictatorial zealots and their posses) who ruin life for each other.

Another thing it teaches us is this: spending any extended period on a farm is really boring.

A third thing is: you will probably go crazy.

Still, in those initial months before one entirely loses oneself in a miasma of hopelessness and despair, one must really do all one can to protect oneself from being devoured by zombies.  Here’s one trick:


First of all, find yourself (or your small group) a nice house with a nice yard, away from other live humans. Somewhat secluded, but not ‘cabin in the woods’ isolated.  Make sure it is empty of zombies.  Keep it well stocked with necessities (food and weapons, mostly).  Only go out, sporadically, to restock.

When the coast seems clear enough, carefully, go out and explore warehouses, packaging plants, any type of business that utilized these:


The roller tracks, not the box. Bring as many tracks as needed back to your home.  (The next step will take some time, but will be totally worth it.  This is a DAYTIME ONLY activity.  DO NOT WORK ON THIS AT NIGHT)  Set the roller tracks up on your lawn, tightly packed together and radiating outward on a declining plane (higher at the house, lower away from the house).  When finished, the entirety of your home will be surrounded by roller tracks, much lilke rays of sunshine eminating from the sun:

Once set up, this will keep zombies from accessing your home.  AND it will be hilarious!  Watch them constantly stumble and fall as they slip and slide on the rollers.  There is no way they can get up those rollers.

You might need to have one segment of track open so that you can come and go as you need. Or, for 100% security, dig a tunnel from the basement of the house, to a safe distance away.  Use that as your entry/exit path.  Or, set up a speaker system outside the house, a safe distance away from house and, when needed, play noises (yells and whoops, etc. “Hey you zombies, over here!” “Come and get me over here” etc – these can be prerecorded and on a loop) – this will cause the zombies who are congregated around your house to all leave and follow the noise, allowing you to leave in the opposite direction.  (if you don’t have access to power for the speakers, set up a long fuse from your home to a pile of firecrackers that are situated away from your house – light them to create the noise diversion)

And there you have it: a perfectly secure homestead.

Next up:  The Demographics of the Perfect Survivors’ Group

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