Wedding Night Instructions

I’ve never had a more creative period of time (7 years) than when Sketch-22 was out and about (2002-2010). The output that the group, in all its various personnel incarnations, created was really exciting and silly and profound and extreme and sweet and sordid and too far and way too far.

Season Four had a number of sketches I loved. One in particular was “The Picken and Grinnen Honeymoon Hoedown and Leo Shiveree Show”. Kind of an homage to Hee Haw, I suppose, but focused on all things concerning weddings, marriage and the issues around those things.

One segment involved Dennis Trainor as Little Jimmie Caulkin, playing a country-bumpkin kind of country comic. He instructs the audience on how to make a baby.

I wanted Little Jimmie to be almost incomprehensible in what he says, and so, to help Dennis keep this in mind, I wrote his lines phonetically, and asked him to memorize them like this, but even make them more hard to understand.

The video linked below came across my YouTube feed the other day. I watched it and laughed really hard. Hence my reason for posting this. Dennis nails the performance. The props are hilarious, and the whole sketch is just crazy, outrageous fun.

Have a watch at the link, and if you like, read along with the script below.

Wedding Night Instruction

Picken: Now, lots of people, on the weddin’ night, couldn’t rub two clues together about what goes where and what to do in order to start a family. But not to worry, folks, because here he is, “The Country Comedian”, our very own Little Jimmie Caulkin, here to teach y’all how babies get made on your weddin’ night!

Picken and Grinnen exit as Little Jimmie enters to some upbeat banjo music. He’s dressed in a country comedy suit that says “I’m from another country”, and has a puppet on each hand. A Penis Puppet and a Vagina Puppet.

Little Jimmie: Tank yus, Pinkins and da Greenans.

Watch is dis, on me hans? Well, dis (indicates the penis puppet), hits da Cack.

Hand dis (indicates the vagina puppet), dis hits da Cont.

Honely, dey hisn’t on yore hans like dis. Dey his hon yore boe-dee, hat da tap a da lay-igs. Dat’s ware ya fine da Cack hand da Cont. Hand on da night huff yar mar-yage, da two come tagather. Bot rilly, hits jost da Cack dat comes. Hand queck too!

(He laughs)

Da par Cont!

(Laughs some more)

Naw, fir dose who er jost mar-yayed in dant know huh-wat to do ta git da baybay, Little Jimmie Caulkin’s hair ta tail ya. First, yuh gat da Cack al haired so’s hit’s standin’ hup straight. Huh-wan way ta do dat his ta putt da Cack hin da woe-man’s mouth.

(He simulates putting the penis puppet in his mouth)

Hit’ll git haired! And wance da Cack his haired, yuz git ta wark on da Cont to git hit al huh-wet. Huh-wan way ta git da Cont huh-wet his ta spit on da Cont.

(He spits on the vagina puppet)

Naw, wance da Cack his haired an da Cont his huh-wet, will, den da weddin’ night gits goan, hand da Cack gus inta da Cont, like dis.

(The penis puppet enters the vagina puppet and he starts thrusting and rubbing)

Yus kip pampin’ da Cack hin han hout off da Cont ontil da Cack sports jissim, lak dis:

(Pulls the penis out and shoots a stream of milky fluid into his face)

Honely, mak shore da Cack jissim sports in da Cont, an nat hon yar face!

Yus doe dat, and nine monts lader, yus git a baybay!

Saw yuz nakkest tay-em an da Pinkins an da Greenans shaw!

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