I have such a bad memory about things I’ve performed or haven’t performed. I came across this script I wrote for Annekenstein V, and I cannot for the life of me remember if it was staged or not. I think it was, but the document is entitled “Opening (unused)”, so that’s making me doubt myself.
I’m thinking that perhaps it was performed at least a few times but may have been replaced by another sketch?
Anyway, I like a lot of the script. It very much represents the kind of comedy I like to write and perform.
I post it here, for posterity.
Opening (unused)
Rob enters onto a stage, upon which are three chairs, set up in a row. He takes center Stage
Rob: Good evening everyone, and welcome to Annekenstein! Before we begin, I’d just like to point out some changes to those of you who may have seen our shows before.
After last year, a governmental agency called the Prince Edward Island Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory Commission contacted us at Annekenstein. This Merchandise Regulatory Commission is responsible for giving out licenses to any group or individual who wishes to make money off the intellectual property of the Lucy Maud Montgomery creation Anne of Green Gables and all the characters there involved. This commission was developed beacause there was a worry that some of the crafts and dolls, and such, which had an Anne of Green Gables theme, were of a lesser quality, esthetically speaking, than was worthy of such an important fictional character as Anne Shirley.
So, it was felt that a commission such as this could deny licenses to any persons or groups whom the commission deemed as unacceptable to the positive portrayal of Anne of Green Gables.
Well, to make a long story short, Annekenstein falls under this commission’s jurisdiction, and unfortunately for us, and for you the audience, the Prince Edwrd Island Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory Commission found Annekenstein portrayed (gets out paper and reads) “a negative perception to the wholesomeness and good feelings which are so inherent in Anne of Green Gables” and declined to give us a license.
Dave Moses and I, being the primary writers, talked to them, and to make a long story short, we finally did manage to get a license for this year’s Annekenstein. However, there were a few catches.
We were told we could still make fun of Anne, et al., but the humour had to be gentler. In sketches where Anne isn’t present, we could be the same old satirical wits we used to be, but when Anne was involved, we had to tone down quite a bit.
Still, we feel we are still presenting one hell of– one heck of a… a funny show. It’s still funny. We still make fun of Anne, and you’ll still laugh, I hope. But, like I said, for those of you who are familiar with the comedy of Annekenstein’s past, you’ll likely notice some subtle changes. Some for the better, some, not so for the better.
So, on with– Oh, and the Merchandise Regulatory Commission had final approval of any sketches involving Anne Shirley.
So, on with our show. Here’s our first sketch of the evening, and, co-incidentally, it does involve references to Anne. I think it’s very funny and it’s entitled “The Importance of Being Anne”. Enjoy!
Rob leaves and stage goes black. Lights come up on the three chairs, with Laurie and Jan occupying two, the middle chair empty
Laurie: Hello, Jan Rudd, and welcome to Annekenstein 5.
They get up and hug
Laurie: It must be quite exciting, being one of the two new additions to the Annekenstein cast.
Jan: Yes, Laurie, it certainly is. Myself, and Matthew Rainnie, who is the other of two additions to the cast, we are both happy to be here, and look forward to the raucous joviality that this show is all about.
Laurie: Yes, and although we tend to poke gentle barbs at Anne of Green Gables, ourselves profiting from such tom-foolery, or should I say “Anne-foolery”, we musn’t forget just how important Tourism is to this province, and that Anne of Green Gables represents a very large part of the Island’s Tourism dollar.
Jan: Yes. Anne is so important to our provincial economy that we really shouldn’t make fun of her at all. (Laurie laughs) What, Laurie, did I say something funny?
Laurie: Yes. You said ‘we shouldn’t make fun of her’, as if she were alive!
Jan: So I did! The funny thing being that she’s not alive, nor ever was. She’s just a book! (Jan laughs)
Laurie: Exactly! (Laurie laughs as well, stopping suddenly when:) Look, here comes Matthew Rainnie now.
Matthew enters and hugs Laurie, then Jan
Laurie: Hello, Matthew, and welcome to Annekenstein, but you are not part of this sketch are you?
Matthew: No, Laurie, and Jan, I’m not. But the Prince Edward Island Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory Commission, along with the writers of Annekenstein, feel that one of the best loved aspects of the old Annekenstein shows was the unpredictbility. You know, when something unexpected happens.
Jan: You mean like right now. Neither Laurie, nor I, knew you were coming out here, now.
Matthew: Yes. The writers feel impromtu bits of comedy like this are excellent ways to get the audience to laugh, and the best thing is, we can do it without making negative references to Anne of Green Gables, keeping her image meticulously wholesome and positive.
Laurie and Jan laugh, then Matt joins in. Ed enters wearing Anne hat and braids. The others stop laughing and stare at him, shocked
Ed: Hey, guys! Are you improv-ing already?
Laurie: What in the blazes do you think you’re doing?
Ed: I’m getting ready for the next sketch.
Jan: Not with that thing on your head your not!!
Ed: What do you mean?
Matt: You know the new rules for the show. Boys aren’t allowed to wear Anne of Green Gables hats and braids anymore. Only the girls are, and only if portraying her in a positive fashion.
Laurie: Now, come on! Take them off!!
He does
Ed: Aw, man, this Regulatory Commission is draining the life out of this show.
Jan: It’s not. It’s for the betterment of the community that they’ve been given the power they have.
Ed: All’s I know is, men in funny girl-hats makes people laugh. This really sucks!
Nancy: (Off stage) Who swore!!! (Entering) I heard a swear! Who swore!! Ed?!!
Ed: I didn’t swear! I just said this sucks.
Nancy: Blasphemer!! The Prince Edward Island Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory Commission, in association with the writers of Annekenstein, consider the word S-U-C-K-S as an unsuitable word, when associated with Anne of Green Gables. It’s a forbidden word.
Ed: Why?
Jan: Because S-U-C-K-S could conjure up images of fellatio. And no one wants to think of Anne Shirley giving head.
Ed and Matt become instantly aroused by these words
Nancy: Jan!!
Jan: Oh my God! What did I say?!?
Laurie: You said “Anne Shirley giving head”!
Ed and Matt groan, involved in their own sexual fantasies
Nancy: Oh, no, the boys are fantasizing! About Anne. That’s most forbidden!!! (To Jan and Laurie) You see what happens!!!
Laurie: This is all your fault, Jan!
Jan: ‘Tis not.
Nancy: We’re in big trouble. We could lose our merchandise license over this!
Rob enters
Rob: People! People! Calm down! What’s all the stir? Why have we stopped the show?
Matt: I don’t know, Rob. I came out with that bit of improv you wrote me…
Rob: I didn’t write you any improv, Matt.
Matt: But that guy from the Regulatory Commission gave it to me and said you wanted me to say it. Seemed to go over alright, anyways. Then Ed shows up in a hat and braids!
Rob: Red braids?
Matt: Yes, they were.
Nancy: And then Ed swore. He said sucks!
Rob: Is this true, Ed?
Ed: Yeah, so? What’s the big deal?! We used to stuff like that last year.
Rob: Yeah, Ed, and a hundred a fifty years ago Dodge was a rough and tumble city, but it had to get cleanded up!!
Nancy: And Jan said “Anne Shirley giving head”, and then Laurie said it, too!
Rob: Nancy, that’s enough tattling!
Nancy: Well, they did!
Rob: Nancy!
Laurie: I only said “Anne Shirley giving head” to tell what Jan said.
Jan: Well, I only said “Anne Shirley giving head” to tell Ed what image “sucks” could conjure up.
Rob: Enough! Enough with Anne Shirley giving head! I mean, here it is, our first sketch in association with the Prince Edward Island Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory Commission, and we’ve already resorted to the same stuff that we were doing last year. It’s stuff like this that was the reason they wouldn’t give us a license in the first place.
Ed: Stuff like that makes people laugh.
Rob: I don’t care about people laughing, Ed! I only care about the license.
Ed: Rob! Listen to yourself! “I don’t care about people laughing”? That’s not the Rob MacDonald I know and love!
Rob: Drop it Ed!
Ed: No I won’t! What have you become? “People laughing” used to be all you cared about. You’ve devoted your whole life to it!
Rob: My hands are tied! We need this license if we want to perform.
Holds up license
Ed: Screw the license, man! You did before! Remember when the cops got you for drunk driving and you lost your license! But you still drove! You drove without a driver’s license and By God, you can act without an Anne of Green Gables Merchandise Regulatory License!
Rob: You’re absolutely right, Ed. I’ve become some mewling sycophant, rubbing bellies with those snakes in governmental beauracuracy!
Nancy: That’s not your style!
Rob: No, it’s not…. This is my style! (rips up license)
Jan: But what about all the scripts you and David Moses wrote in association with the Regulatory Commission?
Rob: To Hell with them, Jan! From now on we’re doing things with both barrels blaring!
Laurie: What obvious phallic symbolism!
Matt: Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, Rob, but now we don’t have enough new material to put on a whole show. What are we gonna do? This audience is hungry for comedy.
Rob: Not to worry, Matt. When you’ve been in this Annekenstein business as long as me, you begin to get tired and lazy. And with that laziness comes a desire to rest on your laurels… Ed!
Ed: Yes, sir?
Rob: Ed, do we have any of those old sketches lying around? You know, the ones from the last four years?
Ed: I think they’re all in a trunk, backstage.
Nancy: If Ed can’t find them, I have everything saved from every year but the first, ’cause I wasn’t asked to be in that one.
Rob: Well, go get ’em, kids!
Ed and Nancy exit
Rob: Everyone, run off and learn your lines!
Jan and Laurie run off, Matt begins but stays to listen
Rob: We’re gonna put on an Annekenstein! And not some watered-down, government regulated Annekenstein, but a good, old fashioned barn-raising Annekenstein. Like they used to do in Them Times. We’ll take the best of all the old shows, put them together with some new stuff, and put on a show to end all shows!
Matt: What’ll we call it?
Rob: How ’bout “The Best of Annekenstein”!
Matt: Couldn’t we call it “Spirit of The Nation”?
Rob: Are you out of your fucking mind?… Let’s go!
BLACKOUT
The Annekenstein Monster 