Category Archives: Theatre

The Reusable Review – A Look Back

There was a time in Prince Edward Island’s recent history when local newspaper The Guardian was an undisputed heartbeat of the community, and Anne of Green Gables: The Musical was one of the primary engines of our tourism. In those days, “local journalism” was a vibrant, living thing, even if it occasionally felt like it was running on autopilot.

Every year, after the opening of yet another Confederation Centre Charlottetown Festival season, our damp and dew-like morning newspaper rushed to print a “brand new” review of the show. To those of us watching closely, these reviews seemed curiously interchangeable with those of years gone by. They followed a predictable formula: heaping praise on the same production highlights with little-to-no negative criticism, year after year.

Today, things are different. Modern Charlottetown Festival productions (now biennial) of Anne have made conscious efforts to detach themselves from the “sameness” of the past, attempting to bring fresh energy to the stage. And, sadly, with the decline of the voices of local writers and the shrinking footprint of traditional newsrooms, the idea of a “local newspaper” often feels more like wishful thinking than our present-day reality.

But wouldn’t it be nice to be reminded of those days again? As a tribute to that era of PEI history—and the predictable prose it produced—I’ve dusted off a piece of satire I wrote years ago. I presented it then as a time-saving “Reuseable Review” for The Guardian – an annual time, money and staff-saving fill-in-the-blanks template, complete with the unintentional spelling and grammatical quirks that made our local rag so “authentic.”

 The Anne of Green Gables Reusable Review

[Choose one headline]:

  • “Same Anne As Last Year, Only Better”
  • “Same Anne As Last Year, Only This Year”
  • “Top Notch Perfofmances Highlight Anne”
  • “Liberals Claim Road Jobs As Tory Patronage and Anne Delights Crowds”
  • “Anne of Green Gables Concert Enjoyed By All”

Last night’s opening night perfofmance of Anne of Green Gables last night marked the beguining off the [insert season number]th season of Canada’s Favourite Muscle at the Confederation Centre. By the thunderous standing ovation it received by the packed house that were up there on its feet clapping and standing, it seems we loved the red-headed orphan as much as, if not as more than, as ever.

The young woman, [Insert actress name], who played, Anne Shirley and she suited the role perfectly. [Insert actress first name], who studded musical dance and acting in [insert Upper Canada city name], was thoroughly believable as the sprightly young orphan, especially in the second act, Act Two where she was even more so. When she matured, she has a magnificient sinking voice.

Off the other perfofmances, despite being no longer alive, Elizabeth Mawson once again would have shone in the roll of Marilla. It is be hard to imagine anyone else other but than Elizabeth Mawson playing the role of Elizabeth Mawson played for so long, yet [actor playing Marilla] preformed admiralty.

Matthew was [‘again’, if applicable] played by [insert actor name] and he instantly douched the members of all the audience in the heart with his gently, warm, and humorous portrayal of the kindling, soft-spoken man. I did thought, however, that [Matthew actor last name] did occasionally tend to go for the laughs a few two many times, suck as wipping the dirt off of his boots and and, while funny, this sometimes took away from the dramatic of the play.

And that [name of actor playing Diana Barry] so charmingly playded Bosom Busty Diana Barry is testament to the belief that Glenda Landry is not too old to still play the role.

My one miner disappointment, one I seem to make every sumner, would half to be with the actor who played Gilbert, [insert actor name]. While he is a very compotent dancer, I felt his acting wasn’t as strong as was his dancing was, but he did have a very good job, nonetheless.

A special nog must go out to Island actress [insert actress name] who played [insert name of Lady of Avonlea character]. She did a terrific job with her line, and make us all proud of her to be an Islander from PEI.

The sets and costumes never looked bitter any year before than they did last night’s. It was expertly directed by [insert name of choreographer], who kept the pace lively and fats-packed. By the looks of lat’s night show, and if they are any indignation, we still have a very special thing here. Anne of Green Gables is a show that should make Islanders, and Canadians alike, proud to be Islanders.

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Correction: In yesterday’s preview article antitled “Anne Comes On Stage Tonight”, we mistakenly identified the character of ‘Diana Barry’ as ‘a giant blueberry.’ We regret the error and the confusion it caused the berry farming community.

Remembrances of a Lumbering Bear, Part 2

Wherein Rob reflects upon his theatre career, play by play

Act One, Scene Two – 1985 – Electra, by Euripides. Produced by the UPEI Theatre Society. Directed by David Moses.

Role: Pylades…. Also with a cast of many

At one point in my life – well, for the first 20+ years or so – I was a rather slim, athletic person. I only point that out so that when you read this, you won’t be imagining the current me, the hulking mass of a man that I am resolved to be. As you read on, imagine a sleek, tall, well-proportioned version of me.

Think this guy:

<——–

(This was me, a year before, on my way to be Billy Idol at the Halloween Pub at The Barn at UPEI. The vest was a black garbage bag, as was the studded wrist band. The studs were painted on white-out. The pleather pants I stole from Zellers. I won the prize for best costume – the prize was a bar tab.)

I played Pylades, a fried of Orestes, in this production of Electra, the Greek tragedy. The character of Pylades is persona muta, which means he has no speaking lines. I don’t know if David giving me that role was a comment and criticism of my performance in Glass Menagerie or not.  I think I was the first in the cast to be off book. The role itself was pretty simple: “Move here on this line and look Greek soldiery.”

And what’s a Greek soldier wear? My wardrobe consisted of a leather-type black vest or tunic, a leather helmet, and a short, short black fabric skirt.  And sandals with laces up the calves, and a sword. It’s the short short skirt I remember. (It’s also the thing all the ladies remember, am I right, girls?).  An intimidating piece of wardrobe, difficult to wear comfortably and assuredly, for a shy, unsullied young man. I will leave it to the Critics of History whether I pulled the look off or not.  But I can tell you this: it didn’t get me laid.

Also, neither Billy Idol nor a bar tab got me laid a year earlier. I certainly wasn’t secure enough in myself to flirt, and I was beyond naive when it came to the idea someone might want to flirt with me. I remember one night at Gentleman Jim’s, I was actually up on the dance floor – I most likely was dancing by myself, so it must have been Flyin’ Phil’s New Wave Monday Night – and some woman kept groping my ass. Not a careless touch from a swinging, dancing arm. But a firm, committed, obvious grab of my ass. I looked behind me, and an attractive woman smiled at me. I turned around and continued dancing. Another ass grab. Then another bigger, nodding, knowing smile from her. My reaction was not “Hey, alright, she’s coming on to me!”, rather it was more along the lines of “What’s HER problem?” To rid myself of any chance of encounter and confusion, I quickly returned to my seat and most likely finished off a Keiths. Only later, too late later, did it even cross my mind she may have been making a move on me.

What else do I remember from Electra? Well, Glynnis Ranney played Electra (was she just visiting PEI at the time?), and she would go on, a few years later to play Anne Shirley in The Charlottetown Festival’s production of Anne of Green Gables, The Musical. There were quite a few female peers in the cast, many of whom may have even actually been trying to make moves on me, dressed in my balls-high skirt and leather. How would I even know?