Monday Morning – To The Keyboards, Canada!

Get ready for it, Canadian SuperBowl fans, because it’s coming.  The annual post-game complaint is nearly upon us.  That complaint?  How come we in Canada aren’t able to see all the SuperBowl-premiered advertisements?  Instead of seeing the premiere of the latest and greatest new SodaPop ad featuring SexySinger, or that hilarious, irreverent new ad from HipBusiness.com, or the further adventures of the large-hooved alcohol-transporting equine-slaves, we are stuck with countless airings of (at least here in The Maritimes) the ad for The Cunard Restaurant.
Yes, the yearly migration of disappointed Canadian sports and/or advertisement fans to their keyboards is almost here, the time when so many take to their blogs and/or forums to post angry complaints that Global Television has yet again highjacked the American stations carrying the SuperBowl telecast, causing us to miss out on an essential element of SuperBowl Sunday – The New TV ads. 
Since so many will be too incensed to type clearly their displeasure, I offer the following missive, which you may feel free to copy and paste as your own angry diatribe:

This sux!  I watched the Superbowl expecting to see all those cool and funny ads and didn’t get to see many of them at all.  Every station carrying the game was the same channel.  It was all showing Global TV coverage.  What’s up with that?  I’m paying money to get the American stations and the commercials they show too.  But how come I’m getting Global broadcast on the American station?  What a rip!!  I’m gonna complain to my local cable provider and demand that I not pay for the American stations I’m not getting when I should be getting them.  Everybody should write and complain.  I wanted to see what that insurance duck was up to and I get some crappy ad for a local restaurant?  Poison!  I’m never eating there!  That place sux!

I’m Never Watching Global Again!!!1!!!

A City In Transition?

Please, Charlottetown, if you have any life left in you, you will provide your citizens with a viable, working public transit system.
Please.

Here is a link that takes you to a Charlottetown transit survey.  Please fill it out in support of public transit.
Please.

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Singizzle in the Rizzle

Singing in the Rain meets Hip Hop meets computer wizardry.
Check out this quicktime video.  The coolest thing I’ve seen so far today.
I must say, I was disappointed at the end when I discovered it was an automobile advertisement.

The Office – American Style

I saw an early copy of the pilot episode of upcoming NBC sitcom The Office.  This is, of course, based on the BBC original, which many, including myself, believe to be the best comedy program ever shown on television.
When I heard that "America" was going to be re-envisioning the series, I immediately thought "well, that’ll suck".  Turns out I was right.
The pilot was pretty bad.  It looks good, and the script is good (basically the same as the first episode of the BBC version, but Americanized), but the acting and direction (barely) miss the mark.  Even though they barely miss, it’s enough to derail the whole thing.
The direction:  It’s supposed to be shot as if it’s a documentary on the goings-on at an paper-supply office.  I noticed that there seemed to be too many cuts and edits between characters in many scenes.  Close up on Character A as he talks, cut to close up on Character B as she responds, cut to a different angle on Character A again.  I began to wonder where all these "documentary cameras’ were.  It really lessens the belief that this is supposed to be documenting the day. 
The BBC version got it right: two camera angles at most for any scene, and cutting between characters was employed sparingly.  The pacing of the show was, not surprisingly, too rushed.  One of the successes of the British original was their willingness to linger on scenes, at both their beginning and end of scenes.  This version cuts to the chase too much.  And even the main content of many of the scenes seems like it’s being rushed through. 
The script for the pilot episode was pretty good, but it ultimately fails because it doesn’t make the boss character (I forget the character’s name in this version, but the David Brent character) vulgar and desperate enough.  Too, he is portrayed more as a simpleton buffoon, whereas the BBC character was a buffoon, but not a simpleton.  I think what makes David Brent such a compelling asshole is that you get a sense that, deep down he knows exactly how pathetic he is.  I didn’t get that feeling at all with this version.  Steve Carrell (formerly of The Daily Show) plays him a bit too much (not much, but a bit too not much) like his simpleton character from Anchorman.  He is completely oblivious to how much an asshole he is (and, actually, the script doesn’t allow him to be enough of an asshole).
The acting:  The acting is so close to being good.  But they just can’t quite seem convincing enough that they are the characters they’re portraying and not in fact, actors playing these characters.  There is very little suggestion of history between the characters, not much chemistry.

It’s not fair to compare the two series, especially when the BBC version got it perfect, but it can’t be helped.  Still, there are all kinds of North Americans who haven’t seen the original and who will come to this version with fresh eyes.  What will they think of it?
Well, there’s no laugh track, so that will confuse America, and there are no joke-jokes, really, so America won’t know what to laugh at, specifically.  An essential element of the show seems to be missing – that being the need to allow the uncomfortableness in scenes to breathe.

This show will not be allowed to last.

Is This Job For You?

On the off-chance that someone who reads this might be suited for and enjoy this job, here’s some info on a new position opening up at Magic 93, 630 CFCY & 720 CHTN radio in Charlottetown.

Promotions Director
It’s a full time, year round entry level position.
Articulate, energetic, enthusiastic, creative, outgoing, and ambitious with a positive attitude.  Loves people and the limelight.  Thinks driving the van in a parade or emceeing a talent show would be a blast and can “go professional” and help an organization develop a promotion to meet their marketing needs.
The successful candidate will possess above average time management, customer service, organizational, communications and writing skills.  A university degree or college diploma in marketing would be a definite asset.

Duties to include:

Promotion co-ordination and support:  including logistics and POS design and layout
      (posters, ballots, display)

Research and develop successful promotions and events

Liaison between sales and other departments in regards to sales and promotional activity

Supervise summer community cruiser/ambassador program

Attend events and file on air reports

Attend occasional client meetings to assist in promotion preparation

Position requires proficiency in Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook, Power Point, Corel Draw, Microsoft Publisher.

Resumes should be submitted by January 31st to:

Heather Tedford

General Sales Manager

CFCY, CHTN, Magic 93

5 Prince Street

Charlottetown, PEI

C1A 4P4

Or emailed to:  tedford@islandtelecom.com

Human Being 0.4 beta

We’ve been living in our home for almost 15 years, and in all that time, I’ve never been up into our attic/crawlspace.  I’ve peeked a few times, but I’ve not gone up into that space.

Until yesterday.  And boy am I glad I did.

When I got up there, I saw an old crate.  Old old.  Curious, I opened it and I’m amazed at what I saw.  Notes, written on what I’m guessing is papyrus, now barely legible.  They are written in a language that looks unfamiliar to me.

They are written by God. Yeah huh.

After a sleepless night of entering the strange characters into the online babelfish translator, I’ve finally finished the transcription.  The notes appear to be God’s notations on how to improve the piece he was working on at the time:  Human Being.  Apparently, the Human Beings we are today are only an early beta version, and it seems like God had bigger and better plans for us.  Yet, for whatever reasons, these suggested improvements never were implemented.

Still, I thought some of you might be interested at what God had in mind to improve Human Being from beta to Final Version.  I won’t bother with all of them, because frankly, many of the notes are merely chemical equations or too far advanced for human comprehension.

Here, then, are some of the more interesting of God’s notes:

Arms – make them retractable?  Would be good for sleeping, as I notice that the arms can sometimes get in the way of sleep-comfort. How would that affect the ability to keep string-strap camisoles up though? Make shoulders more pointy?  Acceptable retraction speed?  0.1 seconds should be fast enough. Need to be that fast so when HB falls out of bed, arms will spring back out quick enough to cushion fall.

Fingers – Five too many?  Thumb definitely stays, but how about just three fingers, for a total of four?  I can’t envision any need for the pinky, other than the pinky ring and maybe for drinking elegantly from tea cups.  But, with just four, the current ring finger becomes the pinky ring finger.  But only four fingers would make My soon to be patented Penticimal Mathematics System ™ more difficult to figure out.  Hmm?

Head – Pretty good as is.  Thinking about adding third eye, on the back of head, to see behind oneself.  How would that affect hairdos though?  Put third eye on back of neck?  Would that eliminate collared shirts?  Would that be so bad? 
Nose- for maximum smell-efficiency, need to extrude from face as is currently, however it really ruins, in My opinion, the smooth lines of a profile.  Maybe I should just go with my original plan and put the nose down by the feet.  Then one’s nose would really smell.  LOL.  Trouble is, if one’s nose is down by one’s feet, the nose would likely run more.  LOL.
Mouth- good shape, good size.  If total-liquid-waste idea (see below) goes into effect, might only need to be the size of a straw-hole opening.  Curious that it takes so many more muscles to smile than to frown. 
Ears- Two is good for hearing left or right, but what about hearing in front or behind oneself?  I think there should be four or even 5.1 for a total surround sound system.   Should I give HB the ability to hear like dogs?  If so, then what would HB have to be jealous of regarding dogs?  Genital licking?  Why not just make HB able to lick own genitals?  I don’t believe the old wives’ tale that if so, HB would never leave home.  Why not just put an extra tongue down there, anyway?  You know, just for because.  Would cost be that much more prohibitive?

Waste – Not at all happy with current system.  Waste is an unfortunate, necessary byproduct of HB (the old adage does apply: If sustenance goes in, it’s gotta come out somehow).  Ideally, all waste should be able to be broken down into liquid-form and easily discharged as pee (still not sure whether both male and female should get their own penis. Female HB urination can currently get messy.  Especially when camping).  Forget all that inner-workings of anus stuff.  Far too messy.  (however, might be worthwhile to keep anus around, as the whole back-package is rather pleasing, aesthetically.  Wonder, though, is anus too close to the impregnate-hole?  Might be a cause of reproduction-confusion, in the dark.  Probably nothing to concern Myself with.  Can’t imagine it being an issue.)

Genitalia – Make the penis, generally, bigger, longer, wider.  Especially if all waste ends up coming out there.  Reproduction process looks pleasant enough, but will it end up being too much work?  Be a shame for HB to extinct itself due to laziness.  Alternative reproduction methods?  Orally? Everyone’s got a mouth, right.  Maybe I should just drop the whole Male Impregnates Female system and go with something more simple.  What if semen is found naturally, in food?  Ugh.  Maybe I should put more thought into the Stork System of Child Delivery.  For now, it’ll remain as is:  penis into anus vagina.  (that’s it, I’m moving the anus farther away.  But where?  Back of knee? Armpit?  Where the bellybutton currently is seems like a logical place, why haven’t I thought of that before?  Shitting out of the stomach seems like the perfect solution, but what trouble-points am I missing? What’s the purpose of the bellybutton anyway?… man, there’s a lot of work still to be done before this goes Final Version)

Try To Be Nice To Everyone

A Beautiful video for Grandaddy’s "Nature Anthem".

It made me feel good.

Guilt Free Blow Job

Having been raised by parents who choose a hard-day’s work over paying someone else to do it, I always have a tinge of guilt whenever I contract out some of the household chores we are faced with. I hate mowing the lawn and in the past have paid a neighbourhood kid to do it, even though I feel like it should be me. Now that my son is of lawn-mowing age, the job now passes to him, and I don’t mind paying him to mow.
My father is a very handy man, always was, and continues to be so even at his advancing age. Because he always did home repairs himself, I have a hard time calling a plumber or carpenter to do a job that I feel I should probably attempt myself. (Un)Fortunately, I realise that I don’t have the skills or knowledge of a handyman and often, when I do attempt some pretty basic stuff, it usually ends badly, and so that makes the phone calls to fixit people a bit easier.
Trouble is, once one begins to call repair people, it becomes a bit of a habit and one begins to rely on their services to accomplish more and more. If I’m not careful, I’ll soon be calling a contractor to come and replace the roll of toilet paper in our bathroom everytime it runs out.
With the hard-work ethics of my ancestors in my head, a good-enough back, sturdy legs and a general-enough knowledge of how things should be repaired (but not the ability to carry repairs out) I should not rely so much on others (not that I do anyway, but I should do so even less).
And so, this year, as winter began to show its full force, I vowed to do my own driveway shovelling this year, even though it’s so easy (and not that expensive) to get a ‘professional’ to clear it.

Yesterday, though, the decision was easy. A 9 foot high, 15 foot long drift behind our car, combined with a 7 foot high, 10 foot long drift at the end of our driveway is just insanity. So, a 5pm call to our neighbourhood snowblower, and by 9:30 last night, the driveway was cleared.

Wonderful. And guilt free.

But not to worry. I’ll be shovelling, as promised, until another major storm hits the neighbourhood.

It Was A Scream

Last night, during the storm, four of the island-dwelling Sketch 22 members performed a half-hour gig at UPEI. It may have been the only event not cancelled.
We performed at The Wave for an alumni fundraiser. The Wave is not a good place to perform sketch comedy when the only means of voice amplification is one’s own vocal chords. It is basically a big empty concrete and steel room with acoustics that are dead. That means when one speaks, the sound waves, immediately upon leaving one’s mouth, dissipate into nothingness. To combat this, one must scream. Unless you’re Sam Kinison, screaming lines of comedy is not the ideal method.
Fortunately, it was only a half hour of screaming our lines, and even then the crowd seemed to enjoy us more than I thought they would. The crowd was an odd mix of old fuddy-duddy wallets and around-my-age keeners. We were introduced as improv performers, and I’m sure many of the people had no idea who or what we were, but there were plenty of laughs.
We performed
-Wessie Doucette and The Tyne Valley Motivational Experience
-Moe Gorman (Moe wrote a new song just for the event)
-The Right Eloquent Island
-Road Crew (the musical)

Tomorrow night, we perform at the Confederation Centre for Madly Off in All Directions. Looking forward to it.
While we’ve been looking forward to these performances, I believe we are moreso looking forward to having them done and in the can (so to speak), so we can get down to the business of writing for next summer’s show.

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The Thinking Is The Doing

The difference (at least “A” difference) between me and successful people (I know, I AM successful in certain ways, and every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings – attaboy, Clarence!) is my inability to finish something once I’ve initially thought about it. To me, the thinking is the doing.
I’m talkin’ artistic ideas. Tons of great ideas have bounced around in this brain, but they don’t get any further than the thinking of them. I’m too lazy to flesh them out, I guess. And if I do manage to push an idea past the thinking stage, to the actual working on it, I must ensure that I keep tight-lipped about it. The second the idea gets voiced to another person, it’s like a pin bursting a balloon, and the idea gets immediately relegated to the ‘forget about it’ pile. The thinking is the doing, and the telling is the producing.

So, I need someone to come up with a computer program, some device I can plug into my brain that will automatically make hard copies of all those brilliant theatrical and cinematic thoughts that never get done. Then I need a device that can take those hard copy ideas and silently work them up into full-fledged written text.

Once that’s accomplished, I’ll be one prolific writer. A prolific writer that has tons of shitty computer-generated plays and screenplays stuffed into the drawers of the desks in my home.