Your My American Idol Recap Has Arrived

I am battling the demons of redundancy, because in a few short minutes, this post will be so yesterday.  In a few minutes, *America* ™ will have its votes revealed to *America* and we’ll all now (even us Canadians) who got sent home.
So, how’d they perform last night?  Well, read on and I dare you to disagree:

Carrie.  She is so bland.  She’d make a perfect country star.  I swear, she is soulless.  She may look pretty (I don’t really think so), but she is empty.  And what’s with Ryan asking her why she has a hard time remembering lyrics?  I heard it as: "You’re stupid."  And this, coming from Ryan.

Bo.  I despise his taste in music.  But I think he is the most genuine contestant remaining.  He seems like a nice guy, just one with an awful hairstyle and the shitty taste in music to go along with it.  He looked ridiculous, of course, and his singing left me empty.  I was glad to see (and this goes for pretty much the entire show) the judges willing to step up their criticisms a bit.  Paula actually seemed coherently observant about what was happening.

Vonzell.  Yo Yo, dude, you just didn’t do it for me tonight, y’know.  I mean, you ended it up real nice, yeah, but that beginning, dog, that was all pitchy and stuff and, I don’t know, you know, it was good, but it wasn’t good good, you know.  Not your best performance, but it was aiight… I thought you sparkled like a shimmering glisten-stick that was left out in the rain and then had to be brought inside to dry off and eat lemming-pie and you glowed like a blossom in the virgin woods… Okay, thanks, Paurla…listen, if I’m being brutally honest, it wasn’t your best performance (audience boos).  Let me finish.  But saying that, I think you have the endorsement of my brain and you could go very far in this competition….(Idol music up, Seacrest out)…Vonerelli!  Man, I thought you brought it, you are totally dug.  Don’t listen to what Simon says, he’s a man that I kid about loving men.
She started out bad.  Real bad, but ended very well.  That’s just not good enough for me.

Anthony.  Aw, A-Fed, I wish you were long gone.  I wish I didn’t have to hear you get oh so slightly better and more comfortable each week.  I wish you had a stronger voice, so that since the girls and gay boys are keeping you in with their votes, at least you’d be tolerable to listen to.  That’s what I wish.  Perhaps your best performance so far, but so all about nothing.  You’re mediocre.

Constantine.  You had me tricked, those last few weeks, what with your good singing and controlled (barely) ego-pout.  But tonight, the lid came off and I saw you for the sad, sexless, pathetic foot-kickin-into-the-camera guy you are.  It was a bad performance lyrically, and, even though the judges claimed it was a good performance physically, I thought you were so slimy.  I hated your performance, and you… listen…you just have to stop that pout thing, ‘kay?  You spent the whole song last night looking for the camera that was on, and singing into it.  Sing to the audience in the room and let the camera do its work.  Ugh, what a piece of crap that was.

Scott.  Worst. Performance. Ever.  A couple of those notes, ouch.  No doubt, you’re going home tonight, Scott.  Just not good enough.  Even Anthony out-sang you.  Ugh.

Bottom Three:  Scott, Vonzell, Carrie

Leaving:  Scott

9 Comments

  1. so close… my five week prediction of scott going will finally come true tonight! so the thing is the other bottom two… me say vonzell and bo

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  2. I am shocked. Shocked! Yet I have a smile on my face because, really, who cares?
    But this vote tonight makes me pull out my patented “Idiotic Masses of America” moniker from last season (you know, when that really talented but totally forgettable person got voted out way too early. Just like Constantine).
    Frankie, I hope you don’t ever watch again. But when you do, don’t feel like you’ve let yourself down.

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  3. I’d have agreed with your assessment that Scott would go – in fact, I did agree with it. That said, I was delighted to see the end of Constantine. I was sooo tired of his lame efforts to seduce me (or somebody … or everybody) with his camera humping.

    I find Scott just … scary. Generic blonde girl is … well, not much there, there. Vonzelle? Ehh .. aaaiiight. Anthony just totally creeps me out … I keep expecting that tracheotomy scar to lip-synch. Dude: wear a goddamn turtleneck.

    Which leaves me Bo. Which leaves me cold. I’m not feeling bad that I’ll miss the last few weeks of the show.

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  4. Howcome noone sensible told me how good LOST is? I watched my first episode (the recap) last night, and by fuck I’m gonna buy the series. It’s the carnivale of sterile prime-time.

    I didn’t watch the singing show after. I was feeling a little too angry at everything.

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  5. I’m not sure who Jesus Christ is in your equation, Dave. But if it’ll get me shed of Ryan (“I’m officially out, now”) Seacrest, I vote for you to take over his role as Pontius Pilate.

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