Flying Away Dead & Boobs

Dave Stewart and I come up with all sorts of strange, funny-to-us, oddball things. One such thing was the idea of an old vaudeville comedy act called Flying Away Dead and Boobs. FAD was one character, Boobs the other. I cannot remember how we came up with the names, but it is a terrible name for a comedy duo. That is why we liked it so much.

Anyway, away in the drawers of my brain they sat. One day, in 2003, while trying to come up with a sketch idea for Sketch-22, I thought of a gag along the lines of Abbott & Costello’s Who’s On First classic, only using the names of local politicians of the time. And who better to present such a vaudevillian treat but Flying Away Dead and Boobs.

I started to write it, got only so far, and gave up. It went unused, mercifully. Here, though, for your edification and bemusement, is the script as it lay.

Boobs:  Well, Flying Away Dead, here you are, over 90 years old.  Did you think you’d ever see 2003?

FAD: Two thousand and three what?

{beat}

Boobs: So, Flying Away Dead, I hear you got a job in the government and you’re responsible for the daily waste watch disposal at the provincial legislature.

FAD: That’s right, Boobs.

Boobs: And somehow you managed to get some big wigs to help you sort out all the garbage at province house.

FAD: Oh, yes. Lotsa big wigs.  Lawyers and politicians.  Even the Premier of the province is gonna help.

Boobs: Really.  Well, I’d like to know more about who’s gonna sort your garbage.  For instance, who’s gonna be responsible for putting the waste in the black containers?

FAD: Binns.

Boobs: Oh, is that what you call them black containers?  Bins?

FAD: That’s right.

Boobs: So, who’s gonna be responsible for the waste bins?

FAD: Yes, totally responsible.

Boobs: Who’s gonna be totally responsible?

FAD: For the waste? Binns.

Boobs: Yeah, for them.

FAD: He sure will.

Boobs: Who will?

FAD: Binns.

Boobs: Yeah, that’s what I want to know.  What’s the name of the guy who’s taking the waste out to the black containers?

FAD: Binns.

Boobs:  Sorry…to the bins.  What’s his name?

FAD:  The name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste?  Binns.

Boobs:  And what would his name be?

FAD:  I just told you.

Boobs: No you didn’t.

FAD:  I did.  But I’ll tell you one more time…and I’ll speak slowly…This is the name… of the guy…taking the garbage… to the waste…Binns.

(pause as Boobs waits…finally:)

Boobs: What is the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste?

FAD:  Binns.

Boobs:  Yes, the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste bins.

FAD:  Now you got it!

Boobs:  I do?

———————-

Boobs:  Let’s say it’s Friday and everybody’s eatin’ fish.  Now, after the garbage is collected, somebody takes the unused fish out to the black waste container.

FAD:  Oh no, fish’d be compost.  That’s Scales.

Boobs: Scales is compost?

FAD:  He sure is.  Does a good job of it too.

Boobs:  Who does a good job of what now?

FAD:  Scales.

Boobs: Who does a good job of fish scales?

FAD:  Best I’ve ever seen!

Boobs: Let me get this straight.  Scales goes to the compost?

FAD:  Everyday.

Boobs:  Everyday?  What if there’s no fish that day?

FAD:  Scales will still go.

Boobs: To the compost bins?

FAD:  No, Binns for waste.

Boobs:  So scales to the waste bins?

FAD: That’s right.

Boobs:  Scales goes to waste?

FAD:  Scales to compost.

Boobs:  Even if there’s no fish that day?

FAD: Regardless.