Dave Stewart and I come up with all sorts of strange, funny-to-us, oddball things. One such thing was the idea of an old vaudeville comedy act called Flying Away Dead and Boobs. FAD was one character, Boobs the other. I cannot remember how we came up with the names, but it is a terrible name for a comedy duo. That is why we liked it so much.
Anyway, away in the drawers of my brain they sat. One day, in 2003, while trying to come up with a sketch idea for Sketch-22, I thought of a gag along the lines of Abbott & Costello’s Who’s On First classic, only using the names of local politicians of the time. And who better to present such a vaudevillian treat but Flying Away Dead and Boobs.
I started to write it, got only so far, and gave up. It went unused, mercifully. Here, though, for your edification and bemusement, is the script as it lay.
Boobs: Well, Flying Away Dead, here you are, over 90 years old. Did you think you’d ever see 2003?
FAD: Two thousand and three what?
Boobs: So, Flying Away Dead, I hear you got a job in the government and you’re responsible for the daily waste watch disposal at the provincial legislature.
FAD: That’s right, Boobs.
Boobs: And somehow you managed to get some big wigs to help you sort out all the garbage at province house.
FAD: Oh, yes. Lotsa big wigs. Lawyers and politicians. Even the Premier of the province is gonna help.
Boobs: Really. Well, I’d like to know more about who’s gonna sort your garbage. For instance, who’s gonna be responsible for putting the waste in the black containers?
Boobs: Oh, is that what you call them black containers? Bins?
FAD: That’s right.
Boobs: So, who’s gonna be responsible for the waste bins?
FAD: Yes, totally responsible.
Boobs: Who’s gonna be totally responsible?
FAD: For the waste? Binns.
Boobs: Yeah, for them.
FAD: He sure will.
Boobs: What now?
Boobs: Yeah, that’s what I want to know. What’s the name of the guy who’s taking the waste out to the black containers?
Boobs: Sorry…to the bins. What’s his name?
FAD: The name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste? Binns.
Boobs: And what would his name be?
FAD: I just told you.
Boobs: No you didn’t.
FAD: I did. But I’ll tell you one more time…and I’ll speak slowly…This is the name… of the guy…taking the garbage… to the waste…Binns.
(pause as Boobs waits…finally:)
Boobs: And what is the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste?
Boobs: Yes, the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste bins.
FAD: Now you got it!
Boobs: I do?
Boobs: Let’s say it’s Friday and everybody’s eatin’ fish. Now, after the garbage is collected, somebody takes the unused fish out to the black waste container.
FAD: Oh that’d be Scales. Fish’d be compost.
Boobs: Scales is compost?
FAD: Sure is. Does a good job of it too.
Boobs: Who does a good job of what now?
Boobs: Who does a good job of fish scales?
FAD: Best I’ve ever seen!
Boobs: Let me get this straight. Scales goes to the compost?
Boobs: Everyday? What if there’s no fish that day?
FAD: Scales will still go.
Boobs: To the compost bins?
FAD: No, Binns for waste.
Boobs: So scales to the waste bins?
FAD: That’s right.
Boobs: Scales goes to waste?
FAD: Scales to compost.
Boobs: Even if there’s no fish that day?