The Annekenstein Monster

Wherein Rob reflects upon his theatre career, play by play

Act One, Scene One – 1985 – The Glass Menagerie, by Tennesee Williams. Produced by the UPEI Theatre Society. Directed by David Moses.

Role: Jim O’Connor, the gentleman caller…. Also with David Moses at Tom Wingfield, Nancy McLure as Laura Wingfield, and Sharlene MacLean as Amanda Wingfield

My first ever theatrical role. I was in my 2nd year at UPEI, freshly switched out of the Psychology Department and into an English major. I had started to hang around at university just a bit with David Moses and his friend Nick Grant, and was enjoying the new influences that they introduced me to. I don’t recall having any interest in acting or performing before David asked me if I wanted to be in a play. I’m not sure why he asked me, but I do still remember the exact spot where he asked. It was at UPEI, on the path just in front of Main Building. I remember thinking how I thought it was a curious and alien concept: acting. I can’t remember why I agreed, but I did. Although maybe not right away. However, it turns out, that decision entirely changed the course and path that my life would follow.

I don’t remember much about the rehearsal process. I can’t even remember where we rehearsed, or even where the performances took place. Either The MacKenzie Theatre, or the gymnasium at UPEI? I do know that I was somewhat intimidated by the talent and confidence and simmering sexuality of Sharlene as she wonderfully played the Wingfield matriarch. I wish, in hindsight, that I would have known a bit more what the heck I was doing, so I could have learned from her. Nancy was terrific as Laura and I was often genuinely moved by her performances. She made it easy for me. David seemed to relish playing the broody, unhappy Tom. I was fortunate to have such talents surround me.

I played Jim, the gentleman caller. He is supposed to be a somewhat vivacious, energetic, optimistic and charming character. As a true-life shy, unassuming, under-the-radar type of person myself, I was surely out of my depths in those regards. I had absolutely zero experience as an actor, and really had no idea what I was doing. I have no true idea of how I did, although I shall assume I did okay.

I have two distinct memories of the performance. 1) I recall, in one performance, at one specific point in the play, I thought I did something that seemed real and honest and true. I had a bit of an Eureka moment, like “Oh, so THAT is what acting is supposed to be like!” The glorious moment immediately preceeded 2) As I was basking in the personal triumph of mastering what acting is, the play continued around me. I hurtled back down to Earth from my lofty Thespian self-indulgence to realize that it was my line. Nancy was waiting for it. I totally blanked and was, for what seemed like forever but was likely less than a moment, filled with extreme and agonizing panic. But I pulled through. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. And it was in those two moments where my love of performing was likely born.

I’ve never had a more creative period of time (7 years) than when Sketch-22 was out and about (2002-2010). The output that the group, in all its various personnel incarnations, created was really exciting and silly and profound and extreme and sweet and sordid and too far and way too far.

Season Four had a number of sketches I loved. One in particular was “The Picken and Grinnen Honeymoon Hoedown and Leo Shiveree Show”. Kind of an homage to Hee Haw, I suppose, but focused on all things concerning weddings, marriage and the issues around those things.

One segment involved Dennis Trainor as Little Jimmie Caulkin, playing a country-bumpkin kind of country comic. He instructs the audience on how to make a baby.

I wanted Little Jimmie to be almost incomprehensible in what he says, and so, to help Dennis keep this in mind, I wrote his lines phonetically, and asked him to memorize them like this, but even make them more hard to understand.

The video linked below came across my YouTube feed the other day. I watched it and laughed really hard. Hence my reason for posting this. Dennis nails the performance. The props are hilarious, and the whole sketch is just crazy, outrageous fun.

Have a watch at the link, and if you like, read along with the script below.

Wedding Night Instruction

Picken: Now, lots of people, on the weddin’ night, couldn’t rub two clues together about what goes where and what to do in order to start a family. But not to worry, folks, because here he is, “The Country Comedian”, our very own Little Jimmie Caulkin, here to teach y’all how babies get made on your weddin’ night!

Picken and Grinnen exit as Little Jimmie enters to some upbeat banjo music. He’s dressed in a country comedy suit that says “I’m from another country”, and has a puppet on each hand. A Penis Puppet and a Vagina Puppet.

Little Jimmie: Tank yus, Pinkins and da Greenans.

Watch is dis, on me hans? Well, dis (indicates the penis puppet), hits da Cack.

Hand dis (indicates the vagina puppet), dis hits da Cont.

Honely, dey hisn’t on yore hans like dis. Dey his hon yore boe-dee, hat da tap a da lay-igs. Dat’s ware ya fine da Cack hand da Cont. Hand on da night huff yar mar-yage, da two come tagather. Bot rilly, hits jost da Cack dat comes. Hand queck too!

(He laughs)

Da par Cont!

(Laughs some more)

Naw, fir dose who er jost mar-yayed in dant know huh-wat to do ta git da baybay, Little Jimmie Caulkin’s hair ta tail ya. First, yuh gat da Cack al haired so’s hit’s standin’ hup straight. Huh-wan way ta do dat his ta putt da Cack hin da woe-man’s mouth.

(He simulates putting the penis puppet in his mouth)

Hit’ll git haired! And wance da Cack his haired, yuz git ta wark on da Cont to git hit al huh-wet. Huh-wan way ta git da Cont huh-wet his ta spit on da Cont.

(He spits on the vagina puppet)

Naw, wance da Cack his haired an da Cont his huh-wet, will, den da weddin’ night gits goan, hand da Cack gus inta da Cont, like dis.

(The penis puppet enters the vagina puppet and he starts thrusting and rubbing)

Yus kip pampin’ da Cack hin han hout off da Cont ontil da Cack sports jissim, lak dis:

(Pulls the penis out and shoots a stream of milky fluid into his face)

Honely, mak shore da Cack jissim sports in da Cont, an nat hon yar face!

Yus doe dat, and nine monts lader, yus git a baybay!

Saw yuz nakkest tay-em an da Pinkins an da Greenans shaw!