Empty White Page

Here I sit, with an empty white word-processor page in front of me.  Today is the first day of my concerted effort to write new sketches for Sketch22’s new show next summer.  We had our first “Season Three” meeting last night, and it’s time to begin the writing process.
The emptiness and whiteness of the page is very daunting.  I have no concrete ideas right now, not even vague whispers of ideas. 
The page is really white.
And empty.

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  1. Ken Williams says:

    Ok, here goes:

    First, the Vet school creates a new genetic organism called Eco. It is part tourist, part lobster, part potato. It has a Japanese head, potato body and lobster claws. It represents the economy, and creeps into any skit to wreak havoc.

    Second, Binn-phonics. Translate any phrase into the mumbly language of our premier. Example: “Watch out! It’s coming right for you!” becomes “I think it’s prudent for you to take a serious look around, at events, as they unfold since they may impact you in the near future. mumble mumble”

    Third, corporate welfare cuddle party. Politicians and businessmen each wear a different colour pajamas and learn how to really get to know each other without fucking each other.

    Fourth, a gameshow: Was he stoned? Play two clips from a politician and figure out which one was when he was stoned. Use real audience members as contestants.

    Five, the CBC story vs. the Real story. Show a mock CBC news clip, then re-enact the actual events to contrast what gets left out on the news.

    Six, Super-Acadian! A mythical superhero from St. Chrysostome who quickly solves any French-English tensions, wherever they arise. His linguistic stylings are impemetrable, but he has one superpower – he can make a soup out of ANYTHING! His weakness is being asked to swear allegience to either english or french canada.

    Seven, Our new Provincial bird nominations: the KFC chicken, Pat Mella, or a Walmart bag caught in a tree.

    Eight, the only lesbian in the village. (warning this is a ripoff of little britain). The only lesbian goes to get her Dyke’s & Bike’s magazine at the store, but someone else has bought it already! Is she no longer the only Dyke in the village?
    She laments about not being able to find a date at the local pub, cause she’s the only Dyke in the village. Then another Dyke walks in, and the fight is on.

    Nine, Professor Weale puts on a class before intermission. The crowd is too big, so he offers a free drink at the concession stands to the first ten people who will leave. He continues to offer reasons for people to actually leave, until announcing the show’s intermission. Once intermission actually starts, he returns to the half empty theatre and begins class.

    Ten, Islanders who are not Islanders: First a Jamaican gives his view of PEI, then a Hawaiian, an Irishman, an Bermudian, etc.

    Eleven, between sketches spray the audience with water mist from a big can marked Pesticides.

    Twelve, Winter PEI vs. Summer PEI. Contrast the different seasonal attitudes, for example tourists become mainlanders. Ice Cappacinos become hot coffee. Tourists laying on the beach becomes Seals laying on the beach. Cutting the grass becomes shoveling the snow…

    Thirteen, The Island Way vs. The High Tech Way.

    Fourteen, What would happen if they sold liquor at covenienince stores?


  2. Ken Williams says:

    I thought of one more: Who wants to same sex marry a politician? FInd out who Stephen Harpers perfect same sex parter would be (from among other politicans). Then do a photo-shop face merge of the baby they would make (like Conans if they made it).


  3. Ken Williams says:

    A same sex couple walks into a convenience store looking for beer…


  4. Rob says:

    Thanks for the ideas, Ken. Some interesting thoughts there. Perhaps a bit too local, topical, political for our liking, though?


  5. Ken Williams says:

    Rub some topical ointment on your local member, there, that oughta do it.


  6. Jay says:

    Rob? That white page. Me too.

    Thanks Ken. As I’m sure you’re aware, we don’t pay or even give credit. Just ask Tom Smothers or Conan O’Brien. But keep ’em coming!


  7. graham says:

    I’m legally changing my name to Ken Williams to avoid future lawsuits


  8. señior psychosis says:


    Ken Williams, drenched in Sketch-22 swag, enters stage left. He sits down at his computer and begins typing madly.

    Ken (muttering to himself): All these great ideas. I can’t go wrong.

    After a few hours, Ken mouses his pointer towards the “post” button.

    Ken (continuing to mutter to himself): Wait! Wait! Just a couple more. I know they’ll just rave about me. I’ll probably get a guest appearance!!

    Fade to black


  9. graham says:



  10. señior psychosis says:


    Graham: No.

    Me: But,

    Graham: I said, “No!”

    Me: Awww…C’mon!

    Graham: No.


  11. Ken Williams says:

    Seriously, I thought you’d like my ideas.
    Now I have to start my own comedy group, and that’s going to be really hard compared to just watching y’all do one of my sketches.

    Damn you Sketch22! Why can’t I be you?


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