Dancing For The Stamps

I found this unfinished Sketch-22 script while searching for something else. I entirely forgot this existed. I can’t even remember if we did anything with it. I doubt it. Anyway, it made me laugh, so I thought others might enjoy it.

Shot 1 – Tammy K Confessional

Tammy K: I’m totally stoked to get the Slow Dance!  I’m usually still hangin’ at the clubs when the lights come up, right, so I’ve had my share of slow dances.  Totally stoked!

Shot 2 – Boyd Confessional

Boyd: The ladies are always complimentin’ me or whatever on how good a slow dancer I am right, so yeah, I think this one’s in the bag.  And Tammy K never gets picked up at the bars before last call, so she’s always skankin’ around lookin’ for tail and slow dancin’ with whatever she can get.  So, yeah, she’s got slow dance experience.

Shot 3 – Wide Shot of Dance Studio

Boyd and Tammy K enter the studio and see their choreographer:  Ketchup.  Tammy K gets really excited.

shot 4 – Tammy K Confessional

Tammy K: Oh. My. God!.  Ketchup!!!  Can’t believe we got Ketchup as our choreographer for Slow Dance.  Friggin’ Ketchup’s a Slow Dance Legend!!

shot 5 – Boyd Confessional

Boyd: Do you have ANY idea how many chicks this dude’s nailed after slow dancin’ with them at Myrons?  Tons!  I’m gonna fuckin’ learn from a fuckin’ master!!

shot 6 – Dance Studio – Ketchup teaching Boyd the Slow Dance, with Tammy K

Ketchup: Boyd!  Ya gotta get your hands right up there in the crack of her ass!  It’s last dance!  Ya think yer gonna get this girl to bed just by holdin’ her hips?  Get in there and start rubbin her crack! Pretend like you’re kneading bread.

Boyd:  I don’t need any bread. I ain’t hungry.

shot 7 – Dance Studio – Ketchup teaching Tammy K the Slow Dance, with Boyd

Ketchup:  Whatcha doin’ Tammy K?  Are you a fucking nun?  Get that pussy grindin’ into his groin.  Your job through this whole slow dance is simple – get the dude hard!  Get the dude hard!  Get the dude hard!

shot 8 – Tammy K and Boyd Confessional

Tammy K: We’re gonna nail the slow dance!!

Boyd nods agreeingly

shot 9 – Dance Studio, different wide shot angle

Clips of Tyler and Tammy B rehearsing with You-Dit, a pale, thin, hard looking woman or man dressed in black tights, hair pulled back in a tight bun.  A task-master.

Over the clips above, we hear Tyler voice-over

Tyler voice-over: ‘Kay, like, I don’t usually go out on the dance floor for the uptempo songs or whatever right, ’cause like it’s fruity and what-not.  Still, I’m still here in the show, and the pay’s alright right…

shot 10 – Tyler Confessional (we pick him up during his speech)

Tyler: …and the ones who go all the way get full stamps for the year, so I guess it’d be cool to win or you know… And Tammy’s got most of the moves in this one, so it’s not too gay, right?  And, you know (holds up beer bottle) Alpine!

shot 11 – more clips of Tyler and Tammy B learning from You-Dit

Tammy B (voice-over): I was worried that Tyler’d screw me over royally in this one, ’cause like I know his brother Ted right and I know Ted’d punch the shit outta Tyler if Ted seen him dancin’ up-tempo or whatever…

shot 12 – Tammy B Confessional (we pick her up in the speech)

Tammy B: …Ted hates fags, right. Still though, it’s pretty sweet the effort Tyler put into the rehearsal..

Shot 13 – You-Dit watching Tammy B & Tyler (with beer and cigarette) dancing

Tammy B: …’specially when You-Dit or whatever’s-her-name is told him he could hold an Alpine and a smoke as props.  So, yeah, if we do good tonight, I’d pretty much fuck him I told him.

Bobby and the Banana – A Time Travel Sketch

A couple weeks ago, a couple of friends and I were talking, for some reason, about the repurcussions of time travel. I had mentioned that years ago I wrote a sketch about that very thing, for Sketch22. (Season Five, to be specific. Dennis Trainor played Andy, Andrew Sprague played Bobby, and Lennie MacPherson played Charlie.)

I thought I’d post it here, as I quite like it, and maybe someone would want to read it.

This isn’t the version of the sketch that made it to the stage that season. This was an earlier draft. For some reason I can no longer remember, we changed the banana peel to a Crocodile Mile slip-n-slide. We called the sketch “Crocodile Mile” as well. I guess the change was to add to the absurdity of the situation, and maybe as a bigger visual gag? I don’t know, but I think I like the subtlety (and classic gag aspect) of a banana peel.

Time Travel Sketch

An apartment. Andy and Bobby enter. Bobby is peeling a banana.

Andy: I can’t wait to see it! I tell you what. I’ll even buy your ticket!

Bobby: Cool!

Andy: ‘Kay, call me later. So I’ll see you tonight at the movies, then.

Bobby: Yeah, see ya.

Bobby exits.

Andy walks to a chair. Just as he sits, Future Bobby bursts into the room. He looks exactly like Bobby, just more mature.

Future Bobby: Andy!!

Andy: Oh, hey man. Forget something?

Future Bobby (panicked): Where am I? Did I leave?

Andy: What?

Future Bobby races to the couch, searches in the cushions.

Future Bobby: Did I get the phone already? (pulls cellphone out of cushions, looks at it, puts it back in cushions) Good! I’m not too late!

Andy: Huh?

Fruit store! Maybe I can still catch myself!!

Future Bobby runs out. Andy, puzzled, sits down and picks up a book. Future Charlie runs in, scaring Andy.

Future Charlie: Dad!

Andy: Jesus!

Future Charlie runs to Andy and gives him a big hug. In his shock, Andy allows it.

Future Charlie: Dad, oh my god! It’s so good to get to meet you!

Andy: Who the hell are you? What are you doing?

Future Charlie: I can’t really explain, Dad! But I just had to see you as you before it happened.

Andy: Before what happened? Why do you keep calling me Dad?

Future Charlie: I shouldn’t tell you, Dad, but… I’m your son. Charlie!

Andy: What? I don’t have a son.

Future Charlie: Yeah, well… not yet. You’re so… alive!!

Andy: Get out of my apartment.

Future Charlie: Yeah, good idea. (getting emotional) I just wanted to see you just once as the man you were and not just a lump slowly dying on a bed. And now that I have, I’ll go. Goodbye, Dad.

Future Bobby (from off stage): Well, I”m not at the fruit store!

Future Charlie, hearing Future Bobby, tries in vain to hide.

Future Bobby (entering): I was just there and I think I was just there, but now I’m gone somewhere else.

Future Bobby sees Future Charlie.

Future Bobby: Holy shit! Charlie!?! How’d you get here?

Future Charlie: Bobby, what are you doing here?

Future Bobby takes Future Charlie aside.

Future Bobby: I’m here to make sure that accident doesn’t happen, that’s what I’m doing here!

Future Charlie: What!? No way! The accident HAS to happen!

Andy: What accident? What the hell is going on? Bobby, you know this guy?

Future Charlie (to Future Bobby): Don’t tell him anything!

Future Bobby: Andy. I’m me. Bobby. From the future.

Future Charlie: Shut up about it!

Future Bobby: Today I cause you to have a terrible accident.

Future Charlie: Bobby, shut up!!

Future Bobby: But I’m trying to find myself and make sure it doesn’t happen. Maybe I’m at the bus stop!

Future Bobby exits.

Future Charlie: Bobby, the accident has to happen! Dad, that stupid idiot friend of yours is gonna ruin everything!!

Future Charlie runs out. Andy just stand there, in a bit of a shock. After a beat, Farther Future Bobby enters. He looks older than Future Bobby.

Farther Future Bobby: Andy! Hey! Listen, this’ll sound weird, maybe, but was be from the future just here?

Andy: Huh?

Farther Future Bobby: Was me from the future just here?

Andy: Huh?

Farther Future Bobby: Dammit Andy!! Was I just here?

Andy: Yeah?

Farther Future Bobby: Did I say it was me from the future?

Andy: I think you did.

Farther Future Bobby: Dammit! We arrived too late to stop me from telling you about the accident!

Farther Future Charlie enters. He is somewhat disfigured, hobbled, and speaks with a mild speech impediment.

Farther Future Charlie: And you just mentioned the accident again, Bobby! You’re such an idiot!

Farther Future Bobby: I know! Listen, Andy, forget anything I told you about today. Any of me. Turns out, you knowing even a little bit about the accident changes the future. We’re not sure how, but since you found out about the accident, Charlie’s turned into a freak!

Farther Future Charlie: Shut up, Bobby! Stop mentioning the accident!

Andy: Why do you all keep talking about an accident?

Farther Future Charlie: Can’t tell you, Dad!!

Farther Future Bobby: Look, he already knows there’s an accident. We might as well tell him.

Farther Future Charlie: Oh, go ahead then! But be careful what you say.

Farther Future Bobby: Andy, there’s an accident that’s going to happen to you today. It’s my fault. It screws up both our lives.

Farther Future Charlie: Bobby from your future but our past is trying to stop it from happening.

Farther Future Bobby: Right. But the problem is, if the accident doesn’t happen, Charlie here doesn’t get born.

Farther Future Charlie: If you don’t have the accident, Dad, then I cease to exist.

Andy: And you are….?

Farther Future Charlie (a bit hurt): Your currently un-born son. Charlie!

There is a pause.

Andy: Okay. So what happens now?

Farther Future Charlie: We have to find Bobby from the future.

Andy (to Farther Future Bobby): But I thought you were Bobby from the future.

Farther Future Bobby: I am. But I’m from a later future.

Farther Future Charlie: We want to stop the Bobby from the future who’s trying to stop the accident from happening.

Farther Future Bobby: Right. I want the accident to happen. But I don’t. So, where did I go?

Andy: Huh?

Farther Future Bobby: C’mon Andy, keep up! Where’d I go? And where did I go?

Farther Future Charlie: And what about me? Where did I get up to?

Andy: I think one of you mentioned the bus stop.

Farther Future Charlie: Bus stop! Right! Let’s go!

Farther Future Charlie exits.

Farther Future Bobby (to Andy): We’re going to the bus stop to search for me. Both of me. Hopefully I’ll be there. If not me, then maybe at least I’ll be there. Listen, if I come back here, just keep me here.

Farther Future Bobby starts to exit. Stops.

Farther Future Bobby: Make sure it’s me, though. Not me, but me. I’m me me. Keep me here, but wait for me me.

Andy: Okay.

Farther Future Bobby starts to exit again. Stops.

Farther Future Bobby: If I don’t return, then for god’s sake, make sure you slip on that banana.

Farther Future Bobby exits.

Andy (yelling after him): Banana? Bobby, what happens to me?

Future Bobby enters.

Future Bobby: I can’t find me anywhere!!

Andy: Bobby, why should I slip on the banana?

Future Bobby: You know about the banana?

Andy: You just told me.

Future Bobby: No I didn’t.

Andy: You told me to slip on the banana.

Future Bobby: Um, no. I DON’T want you to slip on the banana. If you slip on the banana, you crack your skull and go into a 20 year coma and then die. I get sued by your family for every penny I have and live a miserable life of destitution.

Farthest Future Charlie enters. He is even more disfigured and hobbled and speech-impeded than before.

Farthest Future Charlie: You had to tell him about the coma, didn’t you Bobby! Jesus, now I’m more deformed than ever!

Future Bobby: Charlie?

Farthest Future Charlie: Might as well spill the beans! Can’t get much worse than this. Dad, while you were in your coma, your sister Beverly sold some of your semen to a sperm bank. I was born from that batch of sperm.

Andy: What the hell is going on here!

Future Bobby: Jeez, Andy. It’s not that complicated. Later today, I’m going to cause you to have an accident. Any second, I’m going to arrive and tell you I can’t go to the movies tonight. I’ll be eating a banana and drop the peel on the floor. You slip on the peel, hit your head on the floor, and go into a coma. And I get sued.

Farthest Future Charlie: And I get born!

Andy: So, why don’t I just NOT slip on the banana?

Farthest Future Charlie: But you DO slip on the banana!! You have to! Or else I don’t get born!

Andy: Well, is that such a bad thing? I hardly know you.

Farthest Future Charlie: Well, from my perspective, Dad, me not being born is a pretty big deal.

Andy: I see your point. Gee, I don’t know what to do.

Future Bobby: Don’t slip on the banana and you totally change our futures for the better, buddy!

Farthest Future Charlie: Not mine! Do the right thing, Dad! Slip on that banana!

Future Bobby (looking out the window): Here I come! Charlie, we gotta hide!!

Future Bobby and Farthest Future Charlie exit.

Andy: Interesting dilemna.

Bobby enters, finishing eating a banana.

Bobby: Hey Andy, I forgot. I can’t go to the movies tonight. I have that thing I have to go to.

Andy (staring at the banana): Oh, right. Okay.

Bobby: I woulda called, but I think I left my cellphone here.

Bobby casually drops the banana peel on the floor, then digs in the cushions of the couch, pulls out cellphone. Andy can only stare at the banana.

Bobby: Yep, here it is. Anyway, I gotta go.

Andy: Yeah. There it is. Alright. See you, Bobby. Probably.

Bobby exits.

Andy stares at the banana peel, unsure of what to do. Carefully approaches the banana peel. Tentatively touches it with the toes of his foot.

Studies the situation.

Lights fade to black.

Sketch22 – Now With Extra Nights

Here’s a bit of news for you:

The Confederation Centre of the Arts has decided to give Sketch22 an extra two weekends of late night comedy at The Mack.  New shows added are Friday August 28, and Saturday August 29.  Plus a special Thursday night show on September 3, and the whole season now wraps up neat and tidy on Saturday September 5.

If you haven’t seen the show yet, do yourself a favour and come see it.

Sketch22 – Now with Extra Nights!

Sketch22 – Funny Or Die – Gay Divorce Sketch

About two weeks ago, Sketch22’s “producer with the Orange Juicer”, Jay-Ro (or Ro-J) [hey, I’m trying to make this post topical with a weak OJ Simpson vibe to it] was contacted by THE guy who runs (or A guy who works for) the website Funny Or Die (that’s the website that was co-founded by Will Farrell, or something, where people can upload videos and then viewers vote whether the videos are “Funny” or if they “Die”) [and THE Guy who contacted us is, like Will’s best friend or something] {so really, it’s like Sketch22 is now a good friend of Will Farrell – tell your friends!} (this sentence, by the way, will be nominated to the “Most Parentheticals In A Single Sentence” category at the upcoming Grammarian Awards [held this year in Nunavut,NWT].

The guy said he saw some of our online video stuff and really liked it (aw shucks and blush!) and said we should enter a video into a new contest coming up.  Apparently, they’re launching a Canadian .ca version of the site and to kick that off, they’re having a contest.  Some of this info may be incorrect.

The challenge of the contest is this:  Videos are to be 2 minutes or shorter, and each video must contain, in some way, the phrase “Pierre Trudeau said there’d be days like this”.  Anyway, we submitted a video, even though we only had about a week to
come up with an idea, shoot and edit it (there, that’s our excuse if
you end up not liking the video).

You can see our submission here:  Sketch22’s Funny Or Die “Gay Divorce Sketch”

We’d love it if you watched it and voted it “Funny”.  If you happen to not care for our video, and if your morals allow you to do so, we’d love it if you still voted it “Funny”.  The very future of Sketch22 depends on your voting that video “Funny”.  Nay, the very future of humanity hinges on you – yes, you, sitting there at your office computer, or at home, or in some coffee shop, living your boring, dull life – voting this video as “Funny”.

Vote For Your Least Un-Favourite!!

22 Second Video Challenge Submissions Now Online!
Entries to the 22 Second Video Challenge can now be viewed on the Sketch22 Media page. Just scroll to the bottom to see the submissions. They are:

“Two Of Us” by Sherri Smith
“NotE-Snuff” by Adam Perry
“The Belly Button” by Eric Grimstead and Simon Wright
“Nature Nut” by Sherri Smith

are all very different, wacky, and weird. In other words, any of them
would be perfect to screen before a Sketch22 show. But only one video
can have that glory! To cast your vote on which one you think should be
screened before Sketch-22 this summer, go to the Contact Us
page and use the form at the top of the page to send us your pick. Just
enter the name of the video in the comments field. Voting is limited to
one vote per person and will close at midnight on Thursday, July 12.
The video that receives the most votes will be screened at Sketch22 on
Friday, July 13. Get voting people!

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Dressed In Naked

We were shooting some Sketch22 video this past weekend, and while I don’t want to give away too much, I will say that the 2 or 3 year-old niece of one of my co-workers happened to see some of it going down.  She saw Graham in the city, running from point A to point B, sans clothes.  “Look Mommie, there’s a man dressed in naked.”  When my co-worker, a fan of Sketch22, heard about the comment, she immediately knew it had to be someone from Sketch.

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Sketch22 Update

Today marks one month before Sketch22 Season 4 opens for the summer at The Guild.  Thursdays and Fridays, starting July 5. 
Tickets, I believe, will be more expensive this year.  It will now cost you 20 of your hard-earned dollars to see our show.  We really hated putting the price up, but other things around us (theatre rental, theatre services, equipment rental for instance) have been going up for the past three years and we really couldn’t remain at the $15 tag anymore.  So, that will be the price for coming to see a show that gives you non-stop entertainment, a boat-load of big laughs and the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve seen the funniest show on Prince Edward Island this summer.  20 bucks.
Last night at rehearsal, we decided upon our running order.  That’s always an interesting community event.  It went pretty smoothly and I dare say we have an ass-kicking lineup of sketches and videos for you to see and experience.  Once again, as in every year past, we have 22 sketches planned.  We’re expecting this show to run just under 2 hours (a goal we’ve tried to achieve, but failed on, every season past).  Our mantra for all the sketches this year is “Crispy Crunch”, which means keep them as short and snappy as possible.  Keep it all moving, baby!
We’ve been busy over the past few weekends shooting for our videos, and still have about three days of shooting still to go.  And then the editing.  Yikes.
All our stage sketches are pretty much written, and are now being tweaked as we go in rehearsal.

We’re pretty confident that the show is going to be as funny and enjoyable and outrageous as in past years, and just like in past years, the sketches will be varied and totally different from each other and will keep you wondering what in the hell could possibly come next.

The countdown is on.  Hope to see you there!

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First Annual Sketch 22 22 Second Video Challenge

Sketch-22 is hosting the first annual 22 Second Video
Challenge. To enter, all you have to do is shoot a twenty-two second
video. Twenty-two seconds! A monkey could do that! One of the types
that smokes and rides bicycles anyway. So what should your video be
about? Anything goes! The more outrageous the better. Email your video
to 22secondvideo@sketch22.ca. Just make sure it is twenty-two seconds
in length and no more than 9 MB in size (320 X 240 pixels, Quicktime
file format preferable). Or mail your video to: Sketch-22, 294 Richmond
St., Apt. 7 Charlottetown, PE C1A 1J9. Submission deadline is Friday,
June 22. The top ten entries will be posted in the media section on
this website, where visitors will vote for the winner. Enough, tell me
about the fabulous prizes! The winner will have his or her video
screened this summer during Sketch-22’s theatre show, plus receive two
complimentary tickets to a performance. Who needs an Oscar!

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Sketch 22 Sketch

We’ve been writing and writing and writing sketches for the upcoming season of Sketch22.  Today was the day where we culled some of the less popular sketches from our “big pile of new sketches” and gave approval to those that we think are “show worthy”.  After going through them all, we discovered we were left with 22 sketches that we gave thumbs up to.

That’s cool.  I’m not sure how long many of the sketches will end up being, but it’s pretty safe to say that we won’t be able to put all 22 sketches into the show.  So, now comes the more difficult part of the year where we have to start nixing some of the sketches that we like.  It’s like murdering babies.

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Sketch22 Season 4 – 154 or 161 Days away!!!

Not exactly sure when Season 4 of Sketch22 will begin.  Maybe we should start the last Thurs/Fri of June this year, rather than our traditional first Thursday of July?

Either way, I just started writing my very first sketch for the new season.  It’s a video concept and hopefully will make it into the show.  Graham would play an impoverished street urchin child named Umbazzo Unwollyo.  That’s all I’m gonna say on that.

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