Category Archives: Music

Last night, the American Idol kids (and their Uncle Taylor) performed songs from the 21st Century.  Today, as I sit in the early years of that same 21st century, I rank their performances.  I will start with the best performance and sink to the bottom of the barrel.

Taylor was the best of the bunch last night.  I don’t think I’d like to hang out with Taylor, because I think he’d spend most of the night looking for a microphone to sing into, so he’d be able to rid his soul of some, well, soul.  Men need to ejaculate every so often, to relieve the pressure of built up semen.  To Taylor, I think soulfulness is his semen.  It just builds up in him and he has to release it.  Those who tuned in to last night’s show saw him wank off in a pretty controlled way.  Simon wanted Taylor to stroke a bit harder, but Taylor said he just wanted to sing tonight, not to show off.  I found that to be a very interesting comment and makes me think that Taylor is pretty astute in knowing what he needs to do to make it far in the competition.  When I started this paragraph, I honestly didn’t know I’d be heading towards that Soulful Stage Masturbation analogy.

Paris was quite good, I thought.  She has incredible stage-presence for a 17 year old, and her voice is always exceptional.  As she was shaking her underage booty pretty good at one point, I knew that at least one of the judges would tell her to portray her age more.  I am not sure, but I think at least one did.  But I think that’s bad advice, or at least, cowardly.  I think that advice has more to do with them thinking that their viewers (ie, America) can’t handle sexuality from someone that age.

Elliott was pretty good, I thought.  I appreciated the jazzy version of that song he did (I’m always terrible remembering the names of the songs they perform).  I did get the sense that he was kind of always singing on the verge of total catastrophe last night, and didn’t look particularly at ease.  He strayed away from the proper notes a couple of times, and yeah, his stage presence leaves much to be desired, but I thought he was good.  He doesn’t have the face of an Idol, though.  A good radio-face, his.

Chris performed his song well, but I was glad Simon called him on singing the same types of songs week after week.  Been there, done that, Chris.  Now we need to see something else from you.  Interesting, too, to hear Simon comment on how a Creed song doesn’t fit in with the American Idol experience.  It must be such a tug-of-war for people like Chris and Elliott and Taylor to feel the need to conform to fit the Idol model, yet aspire to keep their individual and unique spirits alive.  Wow, what a touchy-feely sentence that was.

Katharine was just okay, I thought.  I got a little angry with the way the judges talked up her performance as if it was odorless shit.  It’s pretty obvious that they are trying to get her to go as far in the competition as she can, and are more than willing to lie to get her there.

Mandisa did a super job singing her gospel song, but I thought exactly like Simon did.  That it was totally self-indulgent.  I really didn’t like her for forcing that on us.  And yes, I realise that “forcing” is only possible if I don’t have access to a remote or movable legs.  But that couch was comfy, and the remote was a bit more than arm’s reach away.  So, yeah, I was Forced to listen to her preaching to me.

Bucky did a good job singing his country song.  I didn’t like the country song and I don’t like Bucky’s country persona. 

Ace has so fallen off the radar. I think his good looks are even starting to fail him.  I noticed a few times last night that he’s resorted to those smoldering-sexy-look-into-the-camera moves to try and compensate for his lack of talent.  What’s his name from last season did that all the time.  And I am gleeful that I honestly cannot remember what’s his name’s name.  Gleeful!

I didn’t actually get home in time to see Lisa‘s performance, but based solely on the 5 second recap at the end of the show, I have to say it was awful.

And that leaves Kellie as the worst of the night.  Now, maybe her actual singing performance wasn’t as bad as Lisa’s, but overall, Kellie’s deperate attempts to be noticed far outreach the patheticness of any other contestant.  You know that scene in some movie, where the aging actress starts to lose her mind, and she sits at the mirror and begins to apply lipstick to her lips, but it’s kind of too much, but rather than wipe off some of the lipstick, she begins to apply even more lipstick, so much so that it begins to cover her whole face, and her eyes get really wide and scary and lost and desperate as she’s grabbing the lipstick like it was a butcher’s knife and she’s swiping wildly at her face with her lipstick and it’s totally smeared all over her face as she begins to wail and have a complete nervous breakdown?  Well, that’s what happening to Kellie.  Only instead of smearing lipstick over her face, she’s smearing dumb.  Right now, the Pickler Smear of Dumbness ™ is being contained to the lips and chin and lower cheekbones, but you can see in her eyes that she’s lost her mind and it’s only a matter of time before she’s completely smeared in dumb.  I fear we won’t get to see that ultimate onstage moment, though, as her Idol days must surely be numbered.  I realise now that I was wrong in wanting Kevin to leave the show because I actually looked forward to seeing his lack of talent being displayed along with his false sense of importance.  Now, for pure potential car-crash shock value, there only Kellie.
Please, America, don’t vote out the Pickler.  I want to see her crash!

Bottom Three:  Kellie, Lisa, BuckyorAce (probably Bucky)
The one to leave:  Lisa.  Can’t say I’ll miss her.

When I learned it was going to be a 50’s theme for American Idol this week, I shuddered at the potential awfulness of the performances.  And then when I learned that Barry Manilow was going to be involved, my shudder became a full-blown fever of fearful expectation.
Well, I was wrong.  Most of last night’s performances were pretty good, and the interpretations of the songs (thanks in part to Barry, who seems like a super smart arranger) were much better than I anticipated they’d be.
Onto the singers:
Mandisa – She always has a pretty face, and last night her very pretty face was surrounded by a fantastic hairstyle.  She wore a slimming black dress that did an amazing job of taking attention away from her oh so large posterior.  Of course, the camerapeople helped too, by not zooming in on it.  (and yes, I realise there’s a joke there about how, with the size of her ass, could the cameras *not* zoom in on her ass – her ass is a constant zoom shot, but I won’t go there.  I just won’t)  Her performance was stellar.  She’s been progressively improving each and every week, and her first week starting point was already top-notch, so she’s a threat to win it all.  Except, you know, she has a huge ass that America will never allow to become top Idol.
Bucky – I realised last night that Bucky doesn’t sing.  He rasps.  And he often rasps out of key.  I thought his performance of Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy” was pedestrian and bland.  While it may have been a good song choice to fit his style and personality, I don’t think it’s a good choice to show off his singing (lackof) abilities.  Hmm.  Since he’s not a great singer, maybe a song that doesn’t show his lack of ability is a great choice.  Anyway, not very good tonight, Bucky.  And I’m partly saying that because I cannot get past your hair, both on your face and on your head.  Awful.  He’ll be Bottom Three.
Paris – She looked fantastic and she sang “Fever” even better.  I thought she rocked.  She seems so incredibly in control of her stage presence that it is frightening to think she’s just 17.  Wow, great performance.
Katherine – I’ve not yet liked anything that she’s worn.  None of her tops seem to fit properly, like she’s trying to keep the secret from her mother that she’s pregnant.  She looked pretty great last night, though, in an ill-fitting dress.  From the introductory segment on her experience with Barry, I was expecting to not like her song and song choice, but she did a super job.  Maybe the best I’ve seen from her.  She’s always in danger of bombing, I think, but last night she more than rose to the occasion.
Chris – My (and others) odds-on favourite to win the competition.  His rendition of I Walk The Line was superb.  If that was recorded today, it’d be a radio hit tomorrow.  Guaranteed.  This guy has it all and should be one of the final two.  Wonderful job.
Lisa – Apart from Kevin, Lisa is, in my opinion, the least talented of the remaining performers.  Some nights she shows glimpses of her potential, but last night it was a pretty uninspired performance.  She’s a Bottom Three finalist tonight.
Taylor – Taylor should be hoping that his fans remember the excellent performances he’s done in previous weeks because last night was terrible for him.  A terrible song choice, much too repetitive and not very challenging, vocally.  He tried to sell it, though, as best he could, but I didn’t buy it at all.  One of the evening’s three worst performances, but he’s built up enough good Karma to not be in the bottom three tonight.
Elliot – This was the most difficult song choice of the night, in terms of being a vocal challenge.  Elliot always seems to choose the most difficult songs and I’m never sure he succeeds in pulling them off.  Last night, he had moments where he seemed out of synch with the music, like he was trying to rush through his lyrics.  He seemed quite nervous early on, but by halfway through the song, he found the groove and was pretty sharp to the end.  I loved his honesty, though, about not really digging Manilow’s songs.  Good for him.
Kellie – I absolutely hated this performance.  Maybe I’m soured on Pickler (get it?), but I seem to have lost any ability to adore her naive stupidity any longer.  I wonder when America will tire of her?  I thought her Walking After Midnight was very much a “by the book” performance, without heart or feeling.  Barry is all about finding the story of the song, and singing the emotion behind that story, and she totally failed, in my opinion.  She should be a Bottom Three, but America will love her ditziness for a few more weeks, before they crash from her sugar-rush sweetness.  No, wait.  I’m changing my mind.  She’ll be a Bottom Three contestant tonight.  America is tiring of her.  Just wait and see!
Kevin – I’ve voiced my opinion of Kevin a few times.  Basically, I don’t think he belongs in the competition, and the only reason he is there is because he’s willing to play along with the “untalented nerd pretends he’s sexy and talented” angle.  Last week, he did an okay job with his song (still it was the worst of the week, IMO).  Last night, his performance was actually pretty good.  Great song choice for him, and performed as well as he could perform it.  Enough to keep him around for another week (or two?).  I loved Simon’s noncommittal comment about how his performance will really be appreciated by those who like Kevin’s performances.
Ace – Oh, Ace!  You are free-falling to the bottom of the talent pool.  Expectations were so high for you a few weeks ago, but a couple of poor performances since have made people look past your oh so pretty looks.  Maybe our ears were blinded (huh?) by your beauty all along.  Maybe you were always just mediocre?  Anyway, this week was a bit better than weeks past, enough to keep you safe from the Bottom Three (unless America has a hate-on for you, in which case you’re sunk).

Bottom Three – Bucky, Kellie, Lisa

Contestant to leave – Lisa

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