I’ve never had a more creative period of time (7 years) than when Sketch-22 was out and about (2002-2010). The output that the group, in all its various personnel incarnations, created was really exciting and silly and profound and extreme and sweet and sordid and too far and way too far.
Season Four had a number of sketches I loved. One in particular was “The Picken and Grinnen Honeymoon Hoedown and Leo Shiveree Show”. Kind of an homage to Hee Haw, I suppose, but focused on all things concerning weddings, marriage and the issues around those things.
One segment involved Dennis Trainor as Little Jimmie Caulkin, playing a country-bumpkin kind of country comic. He instructs the audience on how to make a baby.
I wanted Little Jimmie to be almost incomprehensible in what he says, and so, to help Dennis keep this in mind, I wrote his lines phonetically, and asked him to memorize them like this, but even make them more hard to understand.
The video linked below came across my YouTube feed the other day. I watched it and laughed really hard. Hence my reason for posting this. Dennis nails the performance. The props are hilarious, and the whole sketch is just crazy, outrageous fun.
Have a watch at the link, and if you like, read along with the script below.
Picken: Now, lots of people, on the weddin’ night, couldn’t rub two clues together about what goes where and what to do in order to start a family. But not to worry, folks, because here he is, “The Country Comedian”, our very own Little Jimmie Caulkin, here to teach y’all how babies get made on your weddin’ night!
Picken and Grinnen exit as Little Jimmie enters to some upbeat banjo music. He’s dressed in a country comedy suit that says “I’m from another country”, and has a puppet on each hand. A Penis Puppet and a Vagina Puppet.
Little Jimmie: Tank yus, Pinkins and da Greenans.
Watch is dis, on me hans? Well, dis (indicates the penis puppet), hits da Cack.
Hand dis (indicates the vagina puppet), dis hits da Cont.
Honely, dey hisn’t on yore hans like dis. Dey his hon yore boe-dee, hat da tap a da lay-igs. Dat’s ware ya fine da Cack hand da Cont. Hand on da night huff yar mar-yage, da two come tagather. Bot rilly, hits jost da Cack dat comes. Hand queck too!
(He laughs)
Da par Cont!
(Laughs some more)
Naw, fir dose who er jost mar-yayed in dant know huh-wat to do ta git da baybay, Little Jimmie Caulkin’s hair ta tail ya. First, yuh gat da Cack al haired so’s hit’s standin’ hup straight. Huh-wan way ta do dat his ta putt da Cack hin da woe-man’s mouth.
(He simulates putting the penis puppet in his mouth)
Hit’ll git haired! And wance da Cack his haired, yuz git ta wark on da Cont to git hit al huh-wet. Huh-wan way ta git da Cont huh-wet his ta spit on da Cont.
(He spits on the vagina puppet)
Naw, wance da Cack his haired an da Cont his huh-wet, will, den da weddin’ night gits goan, hand da Cack gus inta da Cont, like dis.
(The penis puppet enters the vagina puppet and he starts thrusting and rubbing)
Yus kip pampin’ da Cack hin han hout off da Cont ontil da Cack sports jissim, lak dis:
(Pulls the penis out and shoots a stream of milky fluid into his face)
Honely, mak shore da Cack jissim sports in da Cont, an nat hon yar face!
Yus doe dat, and nine monts lader, yus git a baybay!
Saw yuz nakkest tay-em an da Pinkins an da Greenans shaw!
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing primary reportage of Earth humanity-data collection mission.
A close inspection of mental and physical components indicate my wellness to be of positive orientation. You are of the same make, I desire, One-Who-Has-Borne-Me? Liquid precipitate falls here frequently this time period, but not membrane-burning like home world. I question your weather?
To issue and report:
I am arrived on planet Earth, one of their lunar-orbital-traverses ago. Our researchers were correct in making me human-formed, as biped land-based dominance of physical and mental is undeniable. I am of early spawning age, called female. I have begun to grow upper-torso-convex-flesh-mound-containers of liquid calcium to nourish and allure, yet, seem not mate-hungry. I am not troubled by this, as other spawners of my age are likewise disinterested in ‘boys’ (Earth name for pre and early spermers; I and like-aged spawners: ‘girls’).
I send, with this report, rendering of my physical shape.
(I do remind One-Who-Has-Borne-Me of the Malmarian on 6-49?) Due to poor copy applicator, black and white is not me. For instance, think of Red Darwelli Sunset of Carotaneas IV as colour of the dead thatch of membrane strings on my cranial compartment. I do not like it, the colour, but I have been to believe that nothing can be performed to alter appearance of such.
I was landed in urbanity. Halifax, city on land, portal to water. Immediate upon arrival, I troubled. Apprehended on Halifax street in state of aloneness, I am locked away in orphanprison with likewise aloned early- and pre-spawners, as well as early- and pre-spermers, they in separate holding block. Detentioners deny me freedom, thus deny me mission of data collection. I am to be retained until I am of acceptable spawning age, or until no more an orphan. Orphan is one without parent. Parent is like you, One-Who-Has-Borne-Me, and, strangely, included as parent is one’s spermer. I am true orphan on Earth.
I am name of Anne. This is real name here, both as Ann and Anne. I chose Ann with an ‘e’ for your humorous enjoyment, and mine. When you dispose of your anne you will remind of me? Ha ha.
Living human-shaped and human-brained is easy. My contrived personal-background-Earth-history is believed by detainers and Mission uncoverance is of no worry to me at present.
Interpersonality troubled: I find I have difficult relations with age-liked orphan spawners and spermers. I am confident in deception of them in my humanity, yet none seem to be favouring me, rathering to taunting actions and words. Taunts often centered upon the Red Darwelli Sunset dead membrane strings. They seem to provoke. I would to further explore the possibilities of pigment alteration, yet documentation on such is nonexistent in orphanprison.
Orphanprison is despotic and such, mission of knowledging wide spectrum of humanity is difficult here. I desire freedom. For sake of mission, and personal goodthought, I may take action to relieve myself of imprisonment if freedom is not otherwise gained.
Close:
Until then you will hear not of me.
End.
Timeage: 2- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data collection mission.
I ponder on the wellness of you. A rapid inspection of mental and physical components indicate my being in shape to be of a positive orientation. Fond remembrances of you fall forward in my mind, and keep me close to home planet.
How is Nicki?
To issue and report:
Joy-feelings! Orphanprison period will be terminated. I am to be homed, to-whit: Agricultural sibling team desiring strong worker, they chosen me over the muscle-spermer orphans. I am odd-choice to me. Regardless, I am pleasure-joyed to extricate myself of this detention, and chosen to remain silent of my oddity.
I am vowed to remain free.
The sibling team, I have sourced, are aged. Spawners of such time-length are disabled to spawn; spermers of such still may dispatch. I must query, in introduction to sibling team, about lack of personal offspring for strong-work, and why spermer does not yet choose to dispatch himself to a spawner, choosing instead orphanprison labour.
Detailing of sibling team is unclear, they habitate from away of orphanprison on water-surrounded land mass named of Prince Edward Island. Inquiry of naming leads my findings toward this: Edward Island is monarchial prince, due to being offsprung from spermer king and spawner queen; land mass named in celebration. Agricultural Sibling team dwell in Avonlea, naming derivation unclear. The agricultural sibling team of name Matthew spermer and Marilla postfertile spawner; endname Cuthbert.
Having seen urbanity and imprisonment, I am expecting to gain many further mission insights by encountering rurality. I transit in three more sleeps, via rail, to meeting.
Close:
Until then you will hear not of me.
End.
Timeage: 3- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
A close inspection of mental and physical components indicate my wellness to be of a positive orientation. I am pleasure oriented. Desire you to be of sameness? In answer to your query: yes, mosquitoes do live here, but they don’t own any property.
To issue and report:
I am arrived to personal freedom. Exchanged urban mass-compartmentalised-human-dweller-orphanprison for mass-transit-mass-mini-compartmentalised-temporary-human-dweller-multi-wheeled-on-double-track-vehicle called train, to transport me to now, to rural compartmentalised-familial-human-dweller-construction called house (also home) called Green Gables. Naming of due to emerald coloured wallings and ornamentations of house. Purpose and origin of naming unclear.
Rail-transit departed me and I was human-isolated and stationary. The Matthew spermer and four-legged-transit-work-beast Pearl there attained me. We buggied via Pearl-hauling on transit-path towards to-be-home Green Gables.
In time on Earth, I have humanised myself well, never fearing my alienality uncovering. I first-time-feared uncoverance on buggy transit. Observing rurality and beauteous abundance of surroundings, I began inundation of questions to Matthew spermer, most peculiarly the similarity of the pigment of path-transit lanes and my red dead-membrane strings. The extended silence after question-burst, before the spermer’s query-response, alarmed me to his possible ponder-suspicion of my alienation, until his disclosure of elemental iron-oxidation as cause of path-transit lane pigmentation. I am suspect of iron-oxidation as valid reason, and am believing in potential of answer as cover-up for his alien uncoverance, yet I have no proof, only intuit. I vow to remain close to this spermer to further examine his kinetic or potent to uncover my otherworldliness. If uncovery occurs, I must obliterate his lifesigns. I also vow to examine possibility of iron-oxidation as cause of my red Darwelli Sunset. Perhaps another elemental oxidation will rid me of the colour I despise on my cranial compartment.
Greeting to post-spawner Marilla was negative in outcome. I second-time-feared uncoverance when she, upon initial gaze of my being disapproved, proclaimed to send me returned to orphanprison. I feared her knowledge of my trueness. Result is no suspicion; her need to return me is not my unearthliness, but due to her not being desirous of early-spawner, her request being for heavy-work early-spermer, as I odded in previous report. Matthew spermer has weary internal blood pumping organ and is in fear of heavy-lift or surprise.
Her initial emphasis to return me was surprisingly deleted upon visitation to end-name Blewett dweller. Large quantity of pre and early spawners and spermers there reminding of orphanprison, difference: they being parented. The Marilla gave no reason in non-return turn around, end resulting in my continuance at Green Gables, and my continued please.
I am to beginning of formal education soon, expecting to gain much insight into humanity there.
Close:
Until then you will hear not of me.
Afterthought:
Incident occurrence to relate. Compatriot of Marilla, post spawner Rachel end-name Lynde, arrived for inspect of my fineness. Rachel-post spawner disapproval of me resulted in surprise and uncontrollable build of anger feelings in me. I to her gave likewise voiced insultual remark. Result: Discovery of hierarchy in command: post spawners hold dictatorial command over early spawner such as I, much as orphanprison warden. Disloyalty to hierarchy resulting in punishment and apology. I refuted hierarchy: Sentence of solitary imprisonment in second storey restive quarters.
After brief period Spermer Matthew secretly ascended, via multi-pronged ascension device, to rectangled glass encased view-hole, where spiritual bonding of us occurred through conversation as spermer incited me to apology. (I begin to postulate opinion that perhaps spermer not suspiced of me, yet am wary of trap.) At such time I gravitated the boards of ascension/descension, made forth with abundant words of regret and sorrow of action and speech, appeasing all involved.
Close:
To school and again until then you will hear not of me.
End.
Timeage: 4- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
A close inspection of physical components indicate wellness. Mentality in state of post anger. All-wellness to you.
I miss your baking, One-Who-Has-Borne-Me, also, the gang at Prepnoth Accountables Tavern.
To issue and report:
Post anger result of initial term of new school. Early spermer name of Gilbert, endname Blythe, raised my ire, yanking my dead membrane thatch which he (supposedly) mistooken for batch of agriculturally manufactured orange tapered nutritional sticks. I again surprised by another uncontrolled non-thinking response from me, this time not of words alone (as with Rachel-postspawner), but also of violence as I grasp portable hard framed-flatrock-writing board, connecting it to early spermer’s brain pan region, potentially damaging. Immediate result: punishment by spermer-educator, name of Phillips, by means of embarrassment, having my name misspelled on large, vertical, hard framed-flatrock-writing board. Extended surprise result: feelings of mate-hunger for early spermer Gilbert have begun. I find him to cause irrationality in my thought processes; very disconcerting, and potentially true-identity-revealing. I am decisioning to ignore feelings of mate-hunger, in favour of mission data collection, and to treat Gilbert as nonsuch.
Further result of anger attack: misinformation as to severity of my Gilbert-attack, passed through Avonlea by way of unreliable mouth-to-ear communication, has arrived to the Marilla post-spawner. News is Gilbert spermer has ceased due to my doings. Again post-spawner controls me with hierarchical power by detaining me from visitation to forthcoming outdoor social name picnic. This is upsetting for me, due to potential for acquiring mega-information on humanity interaction at such a social event.
Close:
Until next you will not hear of me.
Afterthought:
Gilbert spermer is being, not ceased. His apology-making for school violence as his blame, and purchase of gift of new portable hard framed-flatrock-writing board to me resulting in my allowance to socialise at event called picnic. Reportage on such to follow next.
Close:
Until such you will not of me hear.
AfterAfterthought:
I must to mention of kindredship with like-aged early spawner, name of Diana (derivation: Earth Heathen goddess) Barry (derivation: unclear). Immediate and deep bonding of us took place, and I am confidant that we will be compatriots for duration of my tenure as human on Earth.
Close:
Bye.
End.
Timeage: 5- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
A close inspection of physical and mental components indicate wellness to be positively orientated. Did you enjoy the tubers I sent you? They are popular here. You eat them.
To issue and report:
The social event named Picnic has been performed by all the community and wellness springs from all. I am to relating to you the plateau of event: a pleasure-taste sensation from digestible food product name of Ice Cream. Computations from my brain indicate that there is nothing more delectable than it. But to relate, as well, the surroundings of the tasting.
Participation in non-competitive competition is requisite at Picnic. I, to involve myself, join one of my lower appendaged limbs to another human’s, Diana Barry of course, by way of rope, and we, together forming a new three legged beast, compete against other newformed tri-pegged beasts in attempt to be primary attainers of end-line and victory. AnneDiana Beast won, although victory was achieved through deviousness of Gilbert, as part of GilbertJosie Beast. The spermer, attached to early spawner name of Josie Pye, (name derivation I believe to be an edible confectionary) and they in the front of racepack, purposely tripped themself up, allowing AnneDiana Beast victory. AnneDiana Beast, consequently tripping over fallen GilbertJosie Beast, fell across the end line, and I, face into a hand held edible wafer conical container for ice cream. Embarrassment overcame me as ice cream consumed my features, but embarrassment left in place of fascination at taste sensation of ice cream.
Curious is this feeling of matehunger. I choose to ignore it, but it is powerful. I observe that Gilbert spermer has matehunger in his eyes, both for me, and for spawner JosiePye. While I refute any and all ritualistic attempts by Gilbert spermer to be my mate, I find myself full of negative feelings of jealousy whenever JosiePye attempts to mate-catch him. Still, for the success of mission, I decide to ignore his strong mate hunger scent.
I am to summer vacate from education, afterwhich I will resume correspondence.
Close:
Until then you will not hear of me.
Afterthought:
I have described in past writings my unhappiness of pigment of dead membrane strings. After much research and experimentation, I took action. A purchase of liquid from peddler (name derivation to mean foreigner, to mean ‘from away’, to mean ‘alien’, like myself) who promised me carrion coloured dead membrane, same as Diana Barry. Use of it resulted not in black but in green, much like the Gables. I was of the belief that nothing could be worse than the Red Darwelli Sunset dead membrane strings, but to be Green Gables headed is such. After showing troubled mess of strings to Marilla post spawner, she cut and styled the strings into presentableness. So presentable were my head strings that Diana Barry showed emotions of envy, which made me happy feeling.
Close:
Summer Vacate, until afterwhich you will not hear of me.
End.
Timeage: 6- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
Mental: positive. Physical: positive.
You will never guess who contacted me from home planet: One-To-Whom-I-Owe-My-Life-For-Him-Having-Saved-It-From-The-Invading-Krintoxans-Raid-Where-They-Almost-Skinned-Me-Alive. Did you give him this address? Please don’t give it out, One-Who-Has-Borne-Me, I’m on a secret mission.
To issue and report:
We seem to have misplaced the sunshine. After a warm-season respite, the young spermers and spawners, myself included, have begun again our daily ritual of education. Difference to education ritual this time is occupation of education leader by new educator. A mid-prime spawner name of Miss Stacey. ‘Miss’ is to indicate availability of her to potential mate hungry spermers.
Subtle queries inform me that the last educator, Phillips, was released from educational duties due to dalliances with former student, the spawner name of Prissy Andrews. The unsubstantiated mouth-to-ear news around the community is that Prissy is spawning with Phillips’ sperm and that they are to douse their mutual mate hunger by entering into matrimony. During the last education session, when Phillips was still educator, he would spend inordinate amounts of education on spawner Prissy, so I readily believe the unsubstantiated reports.
I am happy-feelings about loss of Phillips in favour of Miss Stacey. My interminglings with him have always been negative in outcome, and my education was stilted. Miss Stacey is most positive in her approach and wellness to all, but especially to me. At first I questioned why she would kind herself so to me, but decided it was because I am unusually bright and interesting. Whatever, I am finding my human brain expanding with human data knowledge, to such an extent that Miss Stacey is desirous of me to attain an Avery Scholarship (monetary allowance to further education at institute of higher learning). I am interested in such an attainment as such would allow me to further my study of humanity in a completely different earthly environment to Avonlea. Trouble: spermer Gilbert, also intelligenced, is aiming for same Avery, so we are locked in competition. I have no fear, however, that I’ll show him that I can attain mental superiority victory over him.
Close:
I will abreast you of success of competition when I win.
Afterthought:
Oddity with Matthew spermer. He monetarily purchased a new body covering for me, called dress. Marilla post-spawner felt plainness good enough, but Matthew spermer went against and given me dress that was much pretty. I wondering if giving is attempt to put him in favourable thoughts for me. I wary of his still suspiced of my alienality and perchance uncoverance. I accept gift of dress but still ware him. Maybe I am incorrect on his knowledge of my reality and him simply kind old spermer.
Close:
News of Avery will greet you with my victory over it, I assure.
End.
Timeage: 7- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
I am fine. How are you?
To Issue and Report:
I am victorious in Avery, as I never doubted. The news of win came at school recital (defined: memorising of historical fact to be spoken in entertaining evening of sketches). Trouble at recital was some lesser education-learners did not remember their historical facts and I came to rescue, spewing out all the information pertinent to an enjoyable evening. All the Avonlea was there, minus Matthew spermer, who suffers angina. Josie Pye was so stomach-stuffed with Phillips’ child that she could not ably sit in a desk of learning. I to Gilbert spermer offered my sympathy for his not being as smart as me, but he ran off in a torrent of liquid-eyes emotion.
Immediately I started envisioning my future data collection possibilities in an institute of higher learning. I am to make plans to leave at once.
Close:
Until then you will not hear of me.
Afterthought:
I have regretfully ceased the life of Matthew spermer. I uncovered the truth in his knowledging me. He managed uncoverance of my letters of issuance and reportage to you, One-Who-Has-Borne-Me. Matthew spermer discovered my mission, discovered his worries of my objectives as trueness, discovered my intent of departure. I was heart-heavy in my decision to terminate his ability to live, but I could not allow the mission to be jeopardised and ruined. The events of such are such:
Upon my return alone from recital, happy feeling about my ability to show photographic memorising of all parts of recital, and my Avery victory over Gilbert and my subsequent impending departure from Green Gables to new areas of humanity, I discovered Matthew spermer reading my previously hidden reports to you. His shock of discovery and validation of alien-thoughts was such that it caused his blood-pumping organ, name of heart, to fluctuate wildly. You may recall with ironic past remembrance that it was this very proneness to organ fluctuations that caused Matthew spermer and Marilla post spawner to request farm-chore assistance from the orphanprison, resulting in my arrival.
Matthew spermer, incapacitated by pain, viewed me in my eyes, and saw me as me, alien, recoginised my reality. In the moment I realise he always suspiced me yet never cared about it. He loved me without regard to alienality. Still that night, he looked at me with his love emotion pouring out of him, and through his look, I could feel him loving me still, alien or no. I was immediately overcome by the desire that I wished I had told him the truth about me at first suspicion in that Pearl hauled buggy, and have him as ally, but of course could not return now to the past.
He requested of me to help him continue living, by getting him his salvalattily, a heart fluctuation-reduction medicine, him promising not to tell of the truth of me. At that moment, upon reviewing the vow I took to uphold the mission in favour of all else, I surmised that I could not allow him continuance of life, with knowledging me, and so I left the room, under guise of searching for salvalattily, purposely not returning until he ceased. I was sad-feeling about his ceasing, he was a kind and good spermer.
I must stay on at Green Gables a little longer to help the Avonlea grieve over cessation of Matthew spermer, but am still to going on to learning institute.
Close:
Until then you will not hear of me.
End.
Timeage: 8- 4432- 897- 22- 1
Begin:
To One-Who-Has-Borne-Me
To identify:
I am fourth spawned of you, issuing reportage of Earth humanity-data mission.
An inspection of mental and physical finds me well enough, although slightly on the down side of normal-happy. You could say I’m a little blue. I attribute it to the circumstances surrounding Matthew spermers cessation. How are you? If I am not incorrect, it is mate hunting season on home planet. Have you caught one yet. I hope it’s better than the last one. I thought it smelled to high heaven, I can tell you now, from such a distance.
To Issue and Report:
The cessation of Matthew spermer has confounded my plans to seek new avenues of data collection. I am not leaving Green Gables now, as earlier believed. Marilla post-spawner has become morose and wet with emotive feeling, whereas pre-Matthew spermer cessation, she was hard and dry. My departure from here would mean the end to Green Gables, as Marilla post-spawner is incompetent in running an agricultural dwelling alone. I am enjoying of this homestead and would not to see it go. I have deciding to stay.
I gave my Avery to Gilbert spermer, who is almost as smart as me, for his continuance in higher education. When he received the generosity from me he vowed that we could be friends, good friends, and I concurred demurely. The power of our mate hunting season is strong, so much that it causes me thoughts inside my brain. Giving him the scholarship, I wanted to copulate with him, as my sex organs churned. Remembering my vow to ignore his mate-scent, I did not act on my churns. I may never see Gilbert spermer again, and my heart is heavy with sad feeling.
I have decided that to ensure no more uncoverance of my reality through perusal of letters of report, this report will be my last by such means. Further on I will begin to telephone to you my reports.
From 1991 to 1995, OffStage Theatre was a bare-bones, smaller-than-small independent theatre company in Charlottetown. Its King (and Fool) was David Moses. I was his Number One, I guess, and learned a whole heck of a lot during this time. Most all of it from David. Others named in this history more or less came and went, but it was mostly David and me who ended up sweeping the floors the most. Whatever I have become in Charlottetown’s theatre scene, it was borne out of these years. I am eternally grateful to have had the experience.
For awhile, Off Stage had a nice head of steam going, but steam doesn’t pay the bills. A constantly leaking roof in our first home became more and more of an issue, as did malfunctioning theatre equipment, a total lack of storage and no dressing rooms to speak of; it all conspired to drag us down. Fortunately, we had to energy of youth and the passion of artists, and through both were able to ignore the obvious glaring financial discrepancies involved in paying rent with four-dollar ticket prices.
It was exciting, trying to live up to the company’s mandate of creating and producing original works of theatre. I am proud of everything we created. It was awesome, too, to bring in other theatre artists from across the Island and Canada, like Andy Jones of Codco, and see their processes.
Energy and enthusiasm is wonderful, but working at it for less than no money isn’t feasible, and that takes its toll eventually. It was a great run. And I’m still trying to make bank on some of the things we ended up creating.
Here, then, is a just-the-facts-ma’am history of OffStage Theatre. Personal remembrances and anecdotes are likely to follow. But for now, just the cold, unemotional dates and details.
The Pre-History of Off-Stage Theatre
1989
The seeds likely were sown a few years before 1989, as many of the principles got to know each other through the UPEI Theatre Society in the mid-1980s.
But it was 1989 when it started. During that summer, feeling the need to develop their theatre skills, Rob MacDonald, Linda Wigmore, Donna Wigmore, Peter Ewart, Dianne Campbell, Nancy McLure, and Jane Wells approached David Moses to teach acting classes. David was a theatre-guy, a good friend, mentor, and had directed theatre and taught acting before. He was, at the time, on summer break from the National Theatre School of Canada, where he was studying direction and acting. David agreed.
When David returned to school in Montreal in the fall, many of the people in the acting class maintained their interest in theatre by writing, performing, and directing plays around Charlottetown.
1990
In April, after leaving the National Theatre School and returning to Charlottetown, David contacted members of the original acting class, and other interested individuals, expressing an interest in forming a theatre company that would produce original plays and develop the skills of the company members. The focus would be on process as well as product. All involved agreed this is good, a name was agreed upon, and in April 1990, in a small apartment on Queen Street, OffStage Theatre was born.
Billy & Biff vs. Dracula, by Nick Grant
In true independent theatre style, through various fund-raisers and flea markets, OffStage raised a whopping $500 for their first production, Billy & Biff vs. Dracula.
The play, by PEI writer Nick Grant (living in Montreal at the time), was work-shopped over the telephone and through the mail. The original script, gender-blind casting (in the role of Dracula), and unusual sets made for an exciting first production.
It was presented to the public for three nights in August 1990 at the Duffy Amphitheatre, UPEI. OffStage Theatre was off and running.
The people involved in OffStage Theatre’s first productionA Review of Billy & Biff vs. Dracula. Let’s call it “mixed”.
In the fall of 1990, OffStage Theatre was commissioned by the Festival of the Arts committee to produce an original new play for children for the Fall Festival.
The Pied-Piper of Hamelin
OffStage created and performed their version of the fairytale classic The Pied Piper of Hamelin.
As would become common for most original OffStage productions, “Piper” was created by the actors and director during rehearsals. The actual writing of the script was done by David Moses and Rob MacDonald after each rehearsal.
Piper was well-received by audiences.
After “Piper”, OffStage was successfully incorporated as a non-profit company. The hope was this would help with funding, grants and sponsorships, etc.
Late in 1990, OffStage Theatre Company moved into a 2nd-floor studio and office space it shared with the Charlottetown Ballet Theatre, 134 Richmond Street.
1991
Children’s Theatre Series
OffStage was awarded a grant from the PEI Council of the Arts, to produce a series of three plays for children. From November 1990 to January 1991, the Company produced revised versions of The Pied Piper of Hamelin, The Three Little Pigs, and created a new play, The Clown Show. The overwhelming response from day-cares and kindergartens (children and adults) showed a sincere need for such productions for young Islanders.
The Pied Piper of Hamelin (Redux)
Whereas the original Off Stage PIPER was darker, scarier, and moodier, this revised version of the play was totally re-written by David Moses and Rob MacDonald, and concentrated more on slap-stick and farcical comedy.
Puppet rat (barely visible) attempts to steal Baker’s (Rob MacDonald) cupcakeBaker (Rob MacDonald) complains to the Burgermeister (Donna Wigmore) about the rat problem.The Tailor (Dianne Campbell) has her own rat problemsIt’s up to the Pied Piper (David Moses) to get rid of the ratsActors talking to the kids after the show
The Three Little Pigs
The Three Little Pigs remained truer to its original incarnation, which was written by Moses and MacDonald in 1989 for the West Prince Arts Council for summer performances at Mill River Park. It was revised and updated to make it longer, and new songs were added.
Roddy Weatherbie, David Moses, Rob MacDonald and Mark Stevenson (as wolf)
The Clown Show
Roddy Weatherbie, Rob MacDonald, Linda Wigmore, Dianne Campbell and Peter Ewart
The Clown Show was a series of sketches created mostly by the actors improvisational work in rehearsals. Again Moses and MacDonald worked together to complete a final script.
A lovely review of one of OffStage Theatre’s clown shows
The Kelly Murder
In the Spring of 1991, OffStage Theatre produced The Kelly Murder, a docu-drama concerning the murder of a black youth in Charlottetown in the late 1800s. Written by Artistic Director David Moses, the play was cast with 28 actors, professional and amateur, from across the Island. It played to sold-out houses at The MacKenzie Theatre, and won a PEI Heritage Award.
Another Clown Show
Peter Ewart, David Moses, Dianne Campbell, Rob MacDonald, Jeana MacIsaac, Linda Wigmore
OffStage Theatre was asked to present their Clown Show for a Confederation Centre fund-raising fair. Rather than present the same play they already produced, OffStage created an almost entirely all-new show. This new show also received overwhelming support by all who saw it.
David Moses and Linda Wigmore clowning aroundPeter Ewart and Rob MacDonaldJeana MacIsaac getting hugs and Dianne Campbell watching on Rob MacDonald entertaining some audience members
First Summer Season
In the spring of 1991, while sharing a second-floor loft office on Richmond Street, OffStage began rehearsals for its first full summer season. The PEI Council of the Arts awarded a grant of $3600 for the project. And The Canada Council Explorations Program awarded $12,000. Most of this money would go towards construction and renovation of their new theatre space in the old Seaman’s Building on King Street (where City Cinema currently resides).
David Moses invited National Theatre School friends, actors Rick Roberts and Marjorie Campbell, along with actor/puppeteer Mike Peterson to be part of the summer’s cast.
Delays in renovations caused a delay in their planned opening date. However, on July 19, 1991, OffStage Theatre Company premiered its first summer season productions.
The Kelly Murder (Redux)
The Kelly Murder was reworked, and remounted with a cast of six actors playing 40 characters.
The Entertainers
The Entertainers, an experimental piece written by Rick Roberts, starring David Moses and the puppetry of Mike Peterson, played at lunchtimes.
Man (David Moses) and Dog (Mike Peterson)
Annekenstein
As planned, these shows were replaced in August by Annekenstein, created by Rob MacDonald, written by Rob MacDonald and the cast.
The Prompter
The Prompter, written by David Moses, starring Mae Ames and Marjorie Campbell, was presented during lunchtime.
The overall response to OffStage Theatre’s first summer season was very positive, and the comedy revue Annekenstein was declared the show of the summer.
American Tourist kids (Mike Peterson and Marjorie Campbell)American Tourists Harold and Gloria (David Moses and Rob MacDonald)A blurry box office agent (Rick Roberts) gets a kiss from Gloria (Rob MacDonald)
Once word got out that a play was being produced that made fun of the Island-icon Anne of Green Gables, the shows sold-out and continued to do so for the remainder of its three week run.
Big laughs coming from the audience
Thrilled by the appeal of Annekenstein, the company was also proud that all the shows presented that summer were original works, all positively appreciated, and three of the four were created by Island playwrights.
Stage Manager Donna Martin working in OffStage Theatre’s high-tech tech boothRob MacDonald writing the funny in the OffStage Theatre office/dressing room
In order to be able to put on their first productions in their new home, invaluable assistance and support was provided by the Confederation Centre Theatre Department, Theatre PEI, Colonel Grey High School, and in particular Errol Robertson, Rick Warren, Ron Irving and Paul Druet. These organizations and individuals donated equipment, expertise, set pieces and moral support.
In the fall, Off Stage offered its first semester of Acting Classes.
Off Stage was asked to create a humorous show about AIDS and AIDS Awareness for the PEI Dept. of Health and Social Services. Despite the heavy subject matter, Rob MacDonald and David Moses wrote a script based on rehearsal improvisations, and it was performed as part of an AIDS Symposium. The audience was appreciative and welcomed a lighter take on the issue.
Off Stage hosted a three day workshop in Clown work. The workshop was led by nationally acclaimed clown teacher, Leah Cherniak, from Theatre Colombus in Toronto.
Off Stage hosted workshops in Theatre Improvisation which led to weekly presentations of Theatre Sports. These would continue throughout the winter.
As winter began, plans to mount another season of children’s plays proved unsuccessful due to insufficient funding. Off Stage was able to present two new clown shows developed out of the workshop given in the fall. One show toured Island Schools in all three counties. The other, A Clown’s Christmas was presented at OffStage Theatre during the holidays. A short film, THE FALL, was also produced, made through the Island Media Arts Co-op based on a sketch developed during this period.
1992
Theatre Sports Improv
Theatre Sports continued every Friday night.
As a co-production with the UPEI Theatre Society, Off Stage Theatre and UPEI student cast-members created an original production entitled Life On Earth.
Island Smoke
Off Stage presented a Theatre Bandwagon production of Island Smoke, written by Greg Dunham.
Annekenstein II and Island Smoke (Redux)
On July 1, 1992 Off Stage Theatre commenced its second season of summer productions in its theatre in Old Charlottetown. Rehearsals for the two plays Annekenstein II and a remount of Island Smoke began June 1st with a company of seven actors and a stage manager/technician.
A $10,000 grant for the summer season came from the Canada Council Explorations Program. Off Stage Theatre also received $5,000 from the PEI Council of the Arts.
Darrin McCloskey, David Moses, Nancy McLure, Mark Stevenson, Rob MacDonald
Both plays were well- received by those who attend. Annekenstein II, which has an almost entirely new script, is especially popular, selling out regularly during its six week run.
Lucy Maud Montgomery (Nancy McLure) has no time for husband Ewan (Mark Stevenson)Darrin McCloskey as Gus of Green Gables The Annekenstein Monster (Rob MacDonald) towers over Mimsi Hashfield (David Moses)Some of the lowest-budget costumes and props you’ll ever see
The Bog Hoppers
The Bog Hoppers, with their concerts of tradition maritime music, made a welcome addition to the Off Stage summer line-up.
Late Night at Off Stage
Off Stage also initiated a series of “Late Night” One Person Performances: Andy Jones in Easy Pieces,, John Taylor in My Three Dads, and Clair Coulter in Wallace Shawn’s The Fever. This was thought to be an important step for the company in establishing connections with performers from across the country in an effort to excel in and experience a variety of theatrical forms.
A discouraging note regarding advertising– OffStage Theatre felt obliged to pull their newspaper advertising from the Guardian/Patriot after the first month to protest the paper’s neglect in sending a reviewer to OffStage shows. Other theatre companies were given prompt reviews at the start of their seasons but OffStage was not. After repeated requests were refused, OffStage cancelled their ads. Ironically, Toronto’s Globe and Mail reviewed Annekenstein II, shortly after which the Guardian finally did send a reporter.
The Guardian finally reviews Annekenstein II
In the fall, Off Stage was contracted to produce a play about teenage women and substance abuse. Over a dozen young women participated and the show toured many island junior high schools.
Off Stage second semester of acting class began.
Dracula Lives
As the first production of its first full winter season, Off Stage produced Dracula Lives, a new play by Nick Grant who, appropriately enough, wrote the first play Off Stage ever produced.
Dracula (Peter Locke) confronts Betty (Kelly O’Brien) in Dracula Lives!Biff (Ed Rashed) keeps the cop (Doug Huskilson) at bayBilly (Rob MacDonald) takes a swing at the cop (Doug Huskilson)
A Man Looking Out The Window
Off Stage Presented Greg Dunham’s one man show, A Man Looking Out The Window.
Land of the Midnight Sunshine Sketches
Off Stage Presented Hank Stinson’s one man show, Land of the Midnight Sun Sketches.
Les Belles Soeurs
Off Stage produced Les Belles Soeurs, cast with twelve island actresses.
B-Movie
Off Stage produced B-Movie, by Tom Wood.
Children’s Theatre Season
Off Stage Produced a series of three plays for young audiences: The Paperbag Princess, The Reluctant Dragon and Jack and the Beanstalk.
1993
Arms and the Man
Off Stage presented, a Pleasant Productions production of Bernard Shaw’s, Arms and The Man.
Moo
Off Stage produced Sally Clark’s Moo.
Fun While It Lasted
In March 1992, due to insufficient funding, a leaking building, a growing debt, Off Stage began preparations to move out of 64 King Street. Fun While It Lasted, an original revue, was the last show produced at that location.
OffStage Theatre and Annekenstein is featured in an article on Anne of Green Gables in Air Canada’s in-fight magazine En Route.
In April, Off Stage found a new home at 203 Fitzroy Street. Renovations and preparations began.
May saw Off Stage hosting Theatre PEI’s New Voices Play writing Workshop and performing an Evening of Improvisation for the Professional Secretary’s Institute.
Annekenstein 3
Off Stage produced the third summer season of Annekenstein, running June to September
It was the only play they produced that summer. As like previous years’ productions, this one continued to grow in popularity as the summer run continued, and was often sold out for the last weeks of performance.
Horatio, by Sean McQuaid
In October and November, Off Stage, in co-production with Theatre PEI, presented Horatio, by Sean McQuaid. This sequel to Hamlet was a winner of the previous spring’s New Voices Playwriting Contest. With a large cast, this was Off Stage’s grandest production since the original The Kelly Murder, and was a critical and popular success.
1994
The Good, The Bad, and the Sugar Coated Peanut Butter Shredded Wheat Balls
February
Off Stage’s Fitzroy Street location had its final production, The Good, The Bad, and The Sugar Coated, Peanut Butter Shredded Wheat Balls, written by Rob MacDonald. This children’s play was performed for a small number of daycare children, and the public was invited to a workshop production, to which a small number attended.
March
Off Stage left Fitzroy Street to no-fixed-address. The fate of the company was in doubt. Plans were to find a space for the summer, and to produce another season of Annekenstein.
June
Off Stage managed to secure the Carriage House at the Prince Edward Island Museum and Heritage Foundation, 2 Kent Street. Rehearsals and slight renovations began immediately.
Annekenstein IV
The fourth season of Annekenstein was presented, July to September. Shows sold well all summer long and Off Stage declared the season a success. With the Museum Foundation pleased with their take on the box office, Off Stage and the Foundation made plans for another run the following summer.
David Moses, Rob MacDonald, Ed Rashed, Nancy McLure, Laurie Murphy
1995
In February, plans to produce a fifth season of Annekenstein fell apart when the Museum Foundation pulled out of the agreement after surrounding neighbors of the Carriage House voiced concerns and complaints about the Foundation using the Carriage House as a place of business in a residential area. Off Stage was again homeless with no future productions in sight.
In May, the CP Prince Edward Hotel, lower Queen Street, offered Off Stage a deal to perform Annekenstein in the Auriga Room of the hotel. Off Stage accepted.
Rehearsals and renovations get underway in June for Annekenstein V: The Best of Annekenstein.
Annekenstein V: The Best of Annekenstein
Laurie Murphy, Rob MacDonald, Jan Rudd, Nancy McLure, Matt Rainnie, Ed Rashed; Directed by David Moses
From July to September, four nights a week, Off Stage presented Annekenstein V to great response from the public. Shows average 75% capacity of the 100 seat room for the entire season, with many nights at standing room only. Financially, Off Stage had its greatest success.
As Annekenstein continued to make a name for itself that even began to reach outside of PEI, the production was featured on an episode of CBC Television’s On The Road Again with Wayne Rostad.
After a mutually successful season, tentative plans were made with the CP Hotel to perform another Annekenstein for the summer of 1996. It soon became apparent that these plans wouldn’t come through, as the hotel underwent structural renovations which left them without a venue to offer Off Stage.
In November, once again homeless, and with the fact that the company had become a one play, one season company, and was no longer following its mandate, and with no one with a strong enough desire to take over the management, Off Stage resigned its status as a non-profit, charitable organization, and for all intents and purposes was no longer a company.
Off Stage Theatre Company ceased to produce theatre under its name.
1996
Annekenstein Six
Despite the dissolution of OffStage Theatre, Dave & Rob managed to secure the bar Myron’s as a venue for a 6th summer run of Annekenstein, to run June to August. Despite being, basically, theatre in a bar, it performs quite well.
1997
Annekenstein 7
Annekenstein’s 7th summer season returned to Myron’s, from June to August, six nights a week. Once again, a combination of brand new material and classic Annekenstein favourites worked well and shows sold well.
Six nights a week!!!
And, there you have it! A history of OffStage Theatre Company. Do you have any memories of OffStage Theatre? Any plays or performances or music you saw there that stuck with you? I’d love to hear your memories.
I went to see the opening night of ACT’s production of An Improvised Christmas Carol, which played three evenings this past December at The Guild in Charlottetown.
It’s a long-form improv show that takes the iconic moments and plot of Dickens’ A Christmas Story and makes ad-hoc changes based on suggestions from the audience. The force behind this production is John Mazerolle who, according to his program bio, has been involved in similar productions in other parts of the world.
He’s brought together a troupe of performers who, as far as I can tell, as far as improv goes, are relatively new to the form. Noah Nazim, who played Scrooge, seemed the most polished, most comfortable of the on-stage performing crew. This was a good thing, as he had, by far, the most work to do, always on stage, basically as the straight man, needing to justify the audience suggested oddities of the other characters. A tough sludge at times, Noah handled it all very well and kept the energy and story moving forward. Nason Scribner was impressive at times with his object work (miming the use of imaginary objects) and also appeared fairly comfortable on the stage.
Others of note were Sophie MacInnis and Darlene Lund. Both impressed with their ability to surprise me with their willingness to jump out of the box and find interesting ways to present themselves. Darlene is, I assume, a natural comic and quick wit, and Sophie shows real promise if she chooses to continue in the world of improv. Great instincts. Johnny Novak played his character choice well, but the character was a bit of an odd choice, one that I suspect may have been pre-planned? Others in the cast were enjoyable enough, but hampered by their lack of improv experience, I’d say. Yet all had at least their moment where they shone.
It was a mostly entertaining evening, but I did have issues with the format. Basically, a narrator (Mazerolle) reads from a script and every so often alters the story from the traditional track and introduces an alternate track which comes from an audience suggestion. Basically, it’s MadLibs for the stage. For instance, the night I was there, Scrooge and Cratchitt’s business was a used-car lot. A perfectly good suggestion, and ably handled by the players.
But my issue with the format is two-fold. First-fold is that the players know, I’m sure, that at *this* point, there’ll be an audience suggestion that they’ll need to deal with. They know, I’m sure, where all of these points come, and can sort of prepare themselves for them all.
Second-fold, there is a large amount of scripted story, which forces the production to an inevitable conclusion, and the element of improvising becomes less exciting (for me, anyway). In short, too much reciting of the story by the narrator, and not enough improvising by the performers. The format forces the players to always return to the pre-fabricated, already-known plot.
I’d have been much more interested and excited if they allowed themselves to use the story of Scrooge as a jumping off point and really committed to going wherever the improv and suggestions took them that night. Maybe, as a new troupe, with so many rookie performers, they didn’t feel ready to take that (admittedly) scary leap.
Also, from the brief moments he jumped onto stage from the narrator role and interacted and improvised with the others, it seems Mazerolle has confidence and ability as improviser. It was an odd choice, perhaps, to have the most experienced performer removed from the opportunity to improvise.
But one shouldn’t criticize a show for not being what one wants it to be. As it was, I didn’t care for the too-structured format, and the skill of the improvising was, for the most part, raw.
I’m thrilled these brave souls got together and put on this show. I hope they continue to put on many more shows and get more and more comfortable and confident in improvising.
Been thinking about our last year, calendar-wise. 2018.
It had its ups and downs, as most years do. I’d have to say, adding them all up, the downs won out. If anything, this last year taught me to really appreciate the normalcy of life – those days where life is just happily lived without worry.
It wasn’t a great year. But it wasn’t that bad, and brighter days are ahead.
There were a lot of upsides, though. My love for Karyn keeps growing deeper and wider. We spent more time together last year than ever before, and I’m happy to report that being together so much, even after 30+ years, it’s only made us a stronger couple. That’s nice! I continue to become prouder and prouder of my son, Cameron, as he dives headfirst into his passion of Island history. Added bonus, I get to perform with him in Popalopalots. I’m so thankful that he’s so great at improv, and that it isn’t just a position of nepotism and patronage that got him the gig. Of course, I could be blinded by that nepotism and only *believe* he’s good. Naw, he’s pretty great.
Late in the year, I got to produce four one-act plays I had written. I managed to gather together a baker’s dozen of talented people and we put on four shows over one weekend! I was/am totally thrilled with the results. Everyone was so great and all a joy to work with. The scheduling of rehearsals turned out to be a bit of a headache, but the rehearsals themselves were lots of fun for me, and I hope for everyone else. The audiences that came seemed to genuinely like it, and that’s always pleasant.
Early in December, we got a dog. A puppy. A Sheltie puppy. He was the fifth of five males in the litter. We named him Dughall, after the fifth son of Somerled, who was the first of the MacDonald clan in Scotland. I was taken totally by surprise at how much work an 8 week old puppy requires, and the first couple of weeks were a real challenge. It was love at first sight, for me, though, and things are going much better now. He loves the snow, but I can’t wait until he experiences spring and summer for the first time. It’s going to blow his mind away!!
I spent a little time wondering what was the best thing that happened to me this past year. And it didn’t take long to realize that the best thing for me didn’t actually happen to me. It happened to my father. Surprise of surprises, my father, 93 years old, got remarried. To a wonderful woman named Mary Alice. Now Mary Alice MacDonald. It’s been a joy to me to see them both so happy together, and a total comfort knowing that my elderly father has someone who cares so deeply about him, and for him.
My father has always been young at heart, but I swear, having Mary Alice in his life has given him so much joy and a renewal of spirit. Living alone in his own apartment, at his age, was a worry for me, and to have Mary Alice there with him now, and to see how well she looks after him, it is a huge and wondrous relief. I am eternally grateful that they found each other.
It staggers me how sharp my father is, especially in making genealogical connections between seemingly random people. He is a walking family tree. A Wikitreedia, if you will. This year, as in years past, I am truly humbled to have him as a father, as a role model, and as a friend.
Not only is Mary Alice a wonderful addition to our family, for my father’s sake. But she’s been instrumental in helping and assisting and encouraging me and my brothers. She’s been amazing in her devotion to helping my brother Kenny, who is battling cancer. Beyond the care she provides to family members, it’s been a true pleasure to get to know Mary Alice, and I’m sure we will remain lifelong friends.
Dave Stewart and I come up with all sorts of strange, funny-to-us, oddball things. One such thing was the idea of an old vaudeville comedy act called Flying Away Dead and Boobs. FAD was one character, Boobs the other. I cannot remember how we came up with the names, but it is a terrible name for a comedy duo. That is why we liked it so much.
Anyway, away in the drawers of my brain they sat. One day, in 2003, while trying to come up with a sketch idea for Sketch-22, I thought of a gag along the lines of Abbott & Costello’s Who’s On First classic, only using the names of local politicians of the time. And who better to present such a vaudevillian treat but Flying Away Dead and Boobs.
I started to write it, got only so far, and gave up. It went unused, mercifully. Here, though, for your edification and bemusement, is the script as it lay.
Boobs: Well, Flying Away Dead, here you are, over 90 years old. Did you think you’d ever see 2003?
FAD:Two thousand and three what?
{beat}
Boobs: So, Flying Away Dead, I hear you got a job in the government and you’re responsible for the daily waste watch disposal at the provincial legislature.
FAD: That’s right, Boobs.
Boobs: And somehow you managed to get some big wigs to help you sort out all the garbage at province house.
FAD: Oh, yes. Lotsa big wigs. Lawyers and politicians. Even the Premier of the province is gonna help.
Boobs: Really. Well, I’d like to know more about who’s gonna sort your garbage. For instance, who’s gonna be responsible for putting the waste in the black containers?
FAD: Binns.
Boobs: Oh, is that what you call them black containers? Bins?
FAD: That’s right.
Boobs: So, who’s gonna be responsible for the waste bins?
FAD: Yes, totally responsible.
Boobs: Who’s gonna be totally responsible?
FAD: For the waste? Binns.
Boobs: Yeah, for them.
FAD: He sure will.
Boobs: Who will?
FAD: Binns.
Boobs: Yeah, that’s what I want to know. What’s the name of the guy who’s taking the waste out to the black containers?
FAD: Binns.
Boobs: Sorry…to the bins. What’s his name?
FAD: The name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste? Binns.
Boobs: And what would his name be?
FAD: I just told you.
Boobs: No you didn’t.
FAD: I did. But I’ll tell you one more time…and I’ll speak slowly…This is the name… of the guy…taking the garbage… to the waste…Binns.
(pause as Boobs waits…finally:)
Boobs: What is the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste?
FAD: Binns.
Boobs: Yes, the name of the guy taking the garbage to the waste bins.
FAD: Now you got it!
Boobs: I do?
———————-
Boobs: Let’s say it’s Friday and everybody’s eatin’ fish. Now, after the garbage is collected, somebody takes the unused fish out to the black waste container.
FAD: Oh no, fish’d be compost. That’s Scales.
Boobs: Scales is compost?
FAD: He sure is. Does a good job of it too.
Boobs: Who does a good job of what now?
FAD: Scales.
Boobs: Who does a good job of fish scales?
FAD: Best I’ve ever seen!
Boobs: Let me get this straight. Scales goes to the compost?
FAD: Everyday.
Boobs: Everyday? What if there’s no fish that day?
Most everyone knows this poem, and assumes it to be a fun and frivolous nursery rhyme from our childhood. But upon doing a fair bit of research, I have discovered it might actually be a paean to female masturbation and empowerment.
Its first noted appearance in print shows up in the late sixteenth century collection entitled “Focke Ye And Th’orse Thou Rode ‘N’Upon and Other Bawdy Recytes“, which includes many risqué and bawdy poems and songs and odes whose content lay very far away from the purity and innocence of nursery rhymes.
Allow me to dig deeper into the interpretation of the lines of the poem.
Hey diddle diddle
This opening line, obviously, is a beckoning to engage in masturbation. Specifically, a beckoning to females. The word “diddle” has long been used as an euphemism for female pleasuring of oneself. (In literature, women tend to diddle while men tend to wank). In the 1548 poem “Ta Fine Ma Hoelay, Shav ma Poosay” by LawRence Benjamin, the speaker – a female heroine (uncharacteristically for the time) – emphatically urges women of all classes to diddle, or masturbate, with the line “Laydees auf all strypes, pull up thyne skorts and diddle thyne quim.” (There are some who say LawRence Benjamin was in fact a woman disguised as a man, in order to pursue her love of writing.)
So, in fact, the first line of this poem can be seen to be saying to women, specifically, “Come along, masturbate and masturbate some more!”
The Cat and the Fiddle
Since even before the rule of Cleopatra, the cat has been a symbol of female sexuality. It is believed the slang term “pussy” (for female genitalia) in fact originates from this era’s feline obsession. In Hierotomy’s epic poem Cleve Unto That Cat (840 BC), we see both inferences as the hero opines “I nary mean to anger the cat by getting it wet, but to moisten a pussy, well, that’s the fairer goal!“.
Likewise, the verb “to fiddle” can mean to bow or rub the strings (or fingers) of one’s hand vigorously across one’s genitalia. (To “hold the fiddle” means “grab the rigid penis – like a bow”)
So far, we now have this as a translation “Come along, masturbate and masturbate some more! Rub (or play) your vaginas with vigor, women.”
The Cow jumped over the Moon
Quite simply, this is a reference to a woman achieving a female orgasm.
In much in the same way it is impossible to imagine a cow jumping over the moon, in literature (and even science) before the 20th century, it was deemed impossible to imagine a female achieving orgasm. To imply such a thing was very much frowned upon, and so the more daring writers had to create phrases of innuendo when writing about the female orgasm. Phrases such as “rhyming orange”, “waking the dead”, and “jumping the moon” are but a few.
An example of this can be seen in this excerpt from the 1894 play by Rutger Tassleman, “Look Who I Found Under The Table“, banned until 1959 for its sexual and homosexual undertones.
Madame Chivesdale: I failed to see you at the Regency soiree last evening, my dear. Are you quite alright?
Lady Quincy: Quite! I became sidetracked and lost track of the time, shall we say. Such is the way with me when I jump over the moon. And last night my cow jumped twice!
Madame Chivesdale: Oh you lucky girl! If I could do that I’d never leave my boudoire! Who needs men then!
The little Dog laughed to see such Sport
Whereas the cat became synonymous with females, the dog is likened to the male of our species. “Little Dog”, then, means little man, or penis. For a little dog to laugh means it ejaculates. And why is it ejaculating? Because it is voyeuristically and excitedly witnessing a female orgasm. Here, the word sport can also mean spurt.
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon
An attractive woman is often referred to as “a dish”. “She’s quite a dish!”
It is believed this comes from the notion that the slightly concave nature of the vagina somehow resembles other concave items, like a dish. So, when someone says “she’s quite the dish”, what it really means is “she has an attractive vagina”.
So here, the dish is an obvious reference to a woman. And the spoon reference is most likely meaning a young girl, a smaller concave vagina.
Here, though, it’s used in a quite interesting, perhaps unexpected way. Here, the dish (woman) is running away. And it is taking the spoon (daughter) with it.
Does this mean the lady of the household is leaving her husband and taking their daughter with her? Quite an act of bravery or desperation for a 16th century woman!
Is this poem, then, an early example of a plea for female empowerment? Is it imploring women to take pleasure into their own hands? To live their own lives, outside of the constraints of male-dictated society?
I can’t answer that for sure, but it surely seems certain that Hey Diddle Diddle is a bit deeper and more meaningful than we originally believed, wouldn’t you say?
Come along, masturbate and masturbate some more!
Rub your vaginas with vigor, women.
It IS possible for you to achieve orgasm!
And while your lecherous, voyeur of a husband gets off on it
The Annekenstein Monster 