The Annekenstein Monster

I’m getting a lot of buzz, it seems, about my fake candidacy under the banner of my fake party.  At least two people have bothered to comment.  It’s a start!! If they tell two people, and those two people tell two people and so on… well, i don’t really know the math for that (I did have an Island education, after all) but I’m guessing it adds up to more than five…

Anyway, on to today’s promise:

Today, I promise to offer free caddy lessons for every Islander.

Let’s face it.  The dimples on golf balls are starting to prove more lucrative than the eyes on potatoes.  My plan is to, within fifteen years, make the entire island, even the residential properties, nothing but golf courses.  Think of how beautiful the Island will look with perfectly manicured fairways, putting greens and bunkers in every yard!!  Potato fields replaced by Par 5’s… Estuaries will become water hazards.  Sand dunes will be fantastically challenging sand traps.  Not even the Plovers will be exempt.

As the number of rich Americans come to play the island, more and more caddy jobs will be needed.  That’s where the majority of Islanders will reap their rewards.  I’m not sure how much caddies make but it’s got to be more than minimum wage, right?  Add tips on top of that (and remember to claim those tips, right? wink wink) and that’s a pretty sweet income for most of us.  And I promise that training for everyone will be free.

Lots of chances for tourism opportunities too.  How many people do you think will want to take on this challenge:  Golf the entire Island – Par 14990 – in 4 months.  Just imagine, rich americans here for a full 4 months, spending their money, as they golf the entire Island.

I’m getting a lot of buzz, it seems, about my fake candidacy under the banner of my fake party.  At least two people have bothered to comment.  It’s a start!! If they tell two people, and those two people tell two people and so on… well, i don’t really know the math for that (I did have an Island education, after all) but I’m guessing it adds up to more than five…

Anyway, on to today’s promise:

Today, I promise to offer free caddy lessons for every Islander.

Let’s face it.  The dimples on golf balls are starting to prove more lucrative than the eyes on potatoes.  My plan is to, within fifteen years, make the entire island, even the residential properties, nothing but golf courses.  Think of how beautiful the Island will look with perfectly manicured fairways, putting greens and bunkers in every yard!!  Potato fields replaced by Par 5’s… Estuaries will become water hazards.  Sand dunes will be fantastically challenging sand traps.  Not even the Plovers will be exempt.

As the number of rich Americans come to play the island, more and more caddy jobs will be needed.  That’s where the majority of Islanders will reap their rewards.  I’m not sure how much caddies make but it’s got to be more than minimum wage, right?  Add tips on top of that (and remember to claim those tips, right? wink wink) and that’s a pretty sweet income for most of us.  And I promise that training for everyone will be free.

Lots of chances for tourism opportunities too.  How many people do you think will want to take on this challenge:  Golf the entire Island – Par 14990 – in 4 months.  Just imagine, rich americans here for a full 4 months, spending their money, as they golf the entire Island.

If you haven’t been watching this latest series of Survivor, this won’t be of interest to you.  If you haven’t yet seen the finale episode, don’t read this if you plan on watching later.

There’s lots of debate on the internets today about how immoral Dreamz was to betray Yau Man’s trust and renege on the promise he made in return for the truck Yau won.  Most everyone thinks Dreamz did something truly awful when he went back on his word.  I have a different opinion.
If I was a contestant in the game of Survivor, one thing that I would know about myself is that, within the confines of the game, I’d say anything to better my chances of winning.  I would swear on my whatever’s life to make a promise and then turn around and break that promise if it suited my situation in the game.  Absolutely everything I said to anyone in the game could possibly be a lie.  I would also expect that absolutely everything that anyone in the game said to me would potentially be a lie.  I am always surprised when players in the game don’t take that into consideration.

I suspect that when Dreamz initially and impetuously made the deal, he (despite his arguments to the contrary) fully expected to follow through on his promise, and only later on did he change his mind.  Some people think because of this, it makes him a lesser human.  It makes him a liar and betrayer. I don’t think so.

For me, anything goes within the confines of the game.  Like he said, there’s “the game” and there’s “reality”.  In my opinion, you can say anything in the game and it should not be taken as a representation of the way you’d behave in reality.  So Dreamz, you’re okay in my book.  Doesn’t that make you feel better?

As for Survivor Fiji, I thought it started out pretty weak.  I didn’t like the Upstairs/Downstairs luxury vs. poverty angle and thought the show was pretty boring until they ditched that concept at “the merge”.  After that, though, I thought this was one of the most strategically interesting rounds of the show yet.  Many aspects and strategies and counter-strategies worked so perfectly that I actually started to wonder if the show was being “written” a bit.  A few too many perfect coincidences, I thought.  A couple of times when a contestant would say something bold and declarative, only to have that surety pulled totally out from under their feet.  There were some fantastic, literally, jaw-dropping moments this season, all of which made for great television entertainment and made up for the lacklustre start to the season.
Reflecting on the contestants, it’s obvious that Lisi needs some psychiatric help.  She reminds me of Tony Soprano’s sister Janice.  Nutjob.  YauMan was a real treat to watch, a great player.  As was Earl.  I was disappointed that Cassandra made it to the final three, as I never really like the player who succeeds solely by latching on early to a strong alliance.
Anyway, blah blah blah.

Alright, after a weekend without campaigning here for my fake run for the provincial legislature under the banner of The Bridal Shower Party, my fake independent political party, I’m back with some more promises that are sure to get me elected.  Even though I’m not really running.

Today’s promise: A new Scarlett Letter

That’s right, kids.  If I get even a modicum of power in this province, I’ll be pushing for a cleansing of sorts.  I’ll establish a posse comitatus whose main purpose is to quell noise in this province.  It will be a two-tiered system of Quietess.  First, is The Scarlett Letter Campaign: a certain number of trusted civilians in the province will be given paintball guns.  They will be free to shoot, with a bright red paint ball, anyone who is deemed to be causing excessive noise.  Harley motorbikes, muscle cars, drunken late-night muscle-heads all will be at risk.  If you get shot with a paint ball gun, it’s your notice to Quiet The Hell Down!!  If, after the initial Red Scarlett Letter Paintball has hit you, you remain noisy, then you are at risk and subject to Phase Two:  The Provincial Rubber Bulleting.  A certain number of citizens will be equipped with scoped rifles and a supply of rubber bullets.  They will be authorized to shoot anyone who is emblazoned with a Red Scarlett Letter Paintball blast and is still deemed to be too noisy.  We’ll make sure these rubber bullets hurt like hell. 

If this doesn’t shut them up, then I don’t know what.

Don’t make me come up with a Phase Three, people!!

This island is, for better or worse, known as The Gentle Island.  Vote for me and I’ll make it The Quiet Island.

Now here’s a hot-button topic:  patronage.

As the sole member of my very own Bridal Shower Party, I’ll fully admit that our party does not yet have a firm stance on the issue of patronage.  But here’s what I’m promising to do:  I’m going to hire two of my brothers and a couple of my cousins to look into it.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, that’s patronage right there!”  And you’re right.  It is patronage.  But, honestly, how else can one really get an understanding of an issue unless he immerses himself in it?  To my knowledge, nobody in my family or circle of acquaintances has ever received a job based on their political affiliation. In that respect, I, and my family are not only ignorant to the inner-workings of patronage, but, in all honesty, we’re due.

I don’t *want* to hire two of my brothers and a couple of my cousins to look into this very complicated, very deeply routed issue.  Honestly, none of them are qualified in any way to lead an investigation into anything other than “what’s in the fridge?”.  But I feel I *have* to hire them.  And, no, it’s not just so they’ll get off my back about getting them jobs.  But, let me tell them right here and now:  You can stop calling the house at all hours looking for hand-outs!

Once they report back to me on the issue, then I’ll make our party’s patronage policy public.  If it turns out that patronage really is a good thing for the majority of voting Islanders, and the Bridal Shower Party does end up endorsing it, here’s something to keep in mind:  With me being the very first BS Party member of the Legislature, the BS Party Patronage Wagon is totally Open Season.  We have all kinds of appointments and jobs that will need filling, and since we’re new, we have no incumbents. 

So, keep this in mind:  A Vote For Rob Is A Vote For Your Own Patronage Job!!

Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that my new, non-existent political party, The Bridal Shower Party, can also be called The BS Party.  Yeah, yeah, ha ha!  I’m standing by it, my friends.  By the way, I’m now registered at Burke Electric and Johnston’s Tire.  I am not, however, registered as a legal politician running in this election.  I am, nonetheless, running in this election.

Also, yesterday, an anonymous (to you, not to me) high-ranking member of one of the Island’s more popular political parties, contacted me and offered up this slogan, which I heartily endorse:

Don’t be a knob.  Vote for Rob.

That correspondence from the high-ranking political figure just proves that the all-important grass-roots interest is starting to burn for me and my party.  Despite that burning, I was not responsible for those fires down east over the last couple of days.  Now, onto today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  Every job a seasonal job.

This will require quite a change of thought regarding how things are done on PEI.  However, if everyone goes along, we’ll all be living the life of Riley.  This is how it works:

Every job on PEI, both private and public, will become “seasonal work”, 4 months long. On September 14, 2007, everyone on the island will be laid off.  Everyone.  Then, on September 15, all the jobs on PEI go into a lottery.  Every working-eligible citizen of PEI will be given a lottery number, and in sequence will get to
draw their next job from the hat, until either all jobs are picked, or all work-eligible people receive jobs (everyone else will either go on EI or welfare.  Only we now will call it “Vacation”).
These people will be in their new jobs for 4 months, until January 14th, at which point they are all laid off.  Then a new random allotment of lottery numbers will be issued and in sequence new jobs will be received. However, this time, people can hand-pick their next job.  They must, however, pick from an assortment of jobs with incomes that are in inverse to their last job, based on the provincial average of income.

What’s that mean?  Well, if your first job paid, say, 20,000 a year, and the average income on PEI is, say, 30,000, then you could pick your next job from the bunch that are approximate to 40,000 per year.  And vice versa.

Based on the random lottery, you get to pick the job you want, based on the income limitation.  First come first served, however those who were previously on EI or welfare have first dibs. This new set of jobs will last 4 months, until May 14th, when there’s the third round of job switching.

Following this program, everyone on PEI who is work-eligible will work two different jobs a year, 4 months duration each.  Then they will have 4 months vacation as well.  Every 3 years, your guaranteed to have the 4 months of summer as a vacation.  Everybody ends up making the same amount of money per year.  Everyone is happy.
As for those protesters who say “what if someone isn’t qualified for their new position?”  C’mon, seriously, how hard are most jobs?  Most jobs, monkeys could handle them.  I’ve got a monkey as my idea guy.  He came up with this idea.

So, that’s another promise:  every job a seasonal job.

I’m running in this upcoming provincial election.  I have not, and will not file any papers making it official, but I’m running. I am running for the Bridal Shower Party, which does not officially exist.  My campaign will continue to unfold on this website.

Today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  I’ll bring the boys back home.

We all know that hordes of Island youth are leaving the Employment Dry Teat of PEI to find work in the moist vagina that is called Alberta.  (My PR people want me to call Alberta “The Nation’s Ass”, but I think that’s tacky.  And there’s nothing worse than a tacky ass)  Anyway, if elected, I promise to not only turn off the tap that is leaking our youth to other parts of the world, but I also promise to bring back home as many of our youth as possible.

“How can you do that, Rob” I hear you ask.  Here’s my plan.  The provincial government will put advertisements in every paper in the country, extolling the large number of excellent jobs that have suddenly become available on PEI.  We’ll also put in ads advertising the wonderful new rollercoaster that’s been built in Cavendish, plus a few other “Items of Buzz” (a new term I just coined) designed to get the youth interested in returning.  Basically, we’ll lie mold the truth a bit.  Whatever it takes to get the youth of PEI to come back home.

Once they’re back, one of two things will happen. 1) they’ll realize it was a lie  molding of the truth, and leave again, or 2) they’ll realize it was a lie truth-mold and decide to stay anyway, being too lazy to up and move twice in the same year.
I would guess that easily two-thirds of the youth coming home in search of good jobs and rollercoasters will decide to stay.  66%… My competitors would kill for numbers like that!!

There you go.  My promise to bring the boys back home.

Stay tuned for more promises in the coming days.

I’m running in this upcoming provincial election.  I have not, and will not file any papers making it official, but I’m running. I am running for the Bridal Shower Party, which does not officially exist.  My campaign will continue to unfold on this website.

Today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  I’ll bring the boys back home.

We all know that hordes of Island youth are leaving the Employment Dry Teat of PEI to find work in the moist vagina that is called Alberta.  (My PR people want me to call Alberta “The Nation’s Ass”, but I think that’s tacky.  And there’s nothing worse than a tacky ass)  Anyway, if elected, I promise to not only turn off the tap that is leaking our youth to other parts of the world, but I also promise to bring back home as many of our youth as possible.

“How can you do that, Rob” I hear you ask.  Here’s my plan.  The provincial government will put advertisements in every paper in the country, extolling the large number of excellent jobs that have suddenly become available on PEI.  We’ll also put in ads advertising the wonderful new rollercoaster that’s been built in Cavendish, plus a few other “Items of Buzz” (a new term I just coined) designed to get the youth interested in returning.  Basically, we’ll lie mold the truth a bit.  Whatever it takes to get the youth of PEI to come back home.

Once they’re back, one of two things will happen. 1) they’ll realize it was a lie  molding of the truth, and leave again, or 2) they’ll realize it was a lie truth-mold and decide to stay anyway, being too lazy to up and move twice in the same year.
I would guess that easily two-thirds of the youth coming home in search of good jobs and rollercoasters will decide to stay.  66%… My competitors would kill for numbers like that!!

There you go.  My promise to bring the boys back home.

Stay tuned for more promises in the coming days.

Just found out that a short interview a few of us Sketchers (Me, Jason & Graham) did for Eastlink Magazine (the local cable company’s TV channel community showcase program) will air Monday May 14th at 7pm on Eastlink TV.  That’s Cable 10 for those old-timers.

We’re on our way, Baby!!  I won’t admit to stardom, however, until I spend a cocaine-fuelled night in a Dartmouth strip club with Bruce Frisko.

I’ve decided to run in the upcoming provincial election.  I am running as the sole candidate for the newly formed Bridal Shower Party.  While I’m not registered with Elections PEI, I am registered at Sears and The Wedding Place.

Today’s Promise:

Rob Promises: The People’s voice will be heard (plus, free small fries, or small double double)

If elected, I’ll turn every drive-thru on PEI into a fast-food drive-thru – slash- PEI Access station.  You’ll be able to order your food or drink, and officially complain about the state of things. Also, with your first complaint, you can get a free small fries or small drink.  Your complaints will be transcribed and collected for reports that will come directly to my office every day.  Plus, your provincial health card will also double as a “buy 12 get one free” card for the fast food establishment of your choice.

Since the drive-thru workers will be employees of the province, their pay-scale will be increased to match their new “government worker” status.

Stay tuned for more promises…