Monthly Archives: March 2006

Sketch22 Auditions

Sketch22 is looking for an actor to be part of our show this summer in Charlottetown.  To help us in that search, we are holding auditions in the very near future.

Our requirements are that the person be over the age of 19, be available for performances Thursday and Friday evenings July 6-Sept.8, as well as available for rehearsals prior to the production run.  We are interested in both male and female actors.  Being funny is a plus.

If you want to audition, send an email to jason@sketch22.ca and he’ll set you up with a time.

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Rob Picks Idols’ Songs

Based on a comment from Steverino in my post on last night’s American Idol, I’m going to pick ten songs that I think the Idols should have sung.  Of course, the songs I pick may not be feasible, from a “palatable to the public”, but more of a fantasy “if they had the same taste as me” thing.  And, as an added bonus, I’m going to post some of the more interesting songs I choose (at least until my monthly bandwidth disappears).

For Chris, I’d like him to expand his repetoire away from the moody Creed/Nickleback crap.  I’d still like him to rock out, of course, and that’s why I’d have him sing The Pixie’s “Debaser”.  He would absolutely wail on that.  A song choice like that, of course, would never happen.

One that I could actually imagine happening, if I stretch my imagination thin enough, is the song choice I pick for Taylor.  His song choices are pretty good, generally speaking (apart from the atrocious Buddy Holly rendition last week).  I’ll keep him very much within his comfort zone, and go with a John Hiatt song.  I think he’d be great singing any of Hiatt’s songs, but I think he would blow the world away with  his version of “Have A Little Faith In Me”.  Oh, I can just imagine it.

I think Paris can sing pretty much anything.  Or, maybe she’s just really smart at picking what she can sing.  Anyway, I’d like to see her punch, right in the nuts, all those stubs who tell her not to be grown up, to not show her sexuality.  To Paris, I give “Kiss” by Prince.  My, would she ever have fun with that.  Why, I think we’d see Randy blush.

Mandisa is a mystery to me.  I don’t know what suits her, really.  After this week’s stunt, though, she needs a week where she sings a good song well.  She doesn’t have to blast the vocals out of the park, like she tried to do this week.  She just has to remind us that she has a fantastic voice.  To do this, I’ll give her “Constant Craving” by kd lang.

Elliott needs to pick songs that are a bit easier to sing.  He seems to always choose songs (or arranges them in a way) that are tough to sing.  He needs to be soulful and contemporary.  That’s why I pick “Laura” by Scissor Sisters for him.  Not too challenging, vocally, but a song that he could really get into and would really rock the joint.

Bucky, I have a great song for you.  Now, at first you’re gonna mumble how it’s not a country song, but friend, country ain’t workin’ for you.  Or, rather, you’re not workin’ the country.  You need a week where you show us that you belong here.  You need to step out of the country and nail a good vocal.  I am giving you “Tempted” by Squeeze.  I swear to goodness, if you have any talent, and if you do anything close to a good job on this song, you will be my hero.

Kellie, for you I was tempted to give you the song “Oh, Good Grief” by Vince Guaraldi (he of “Peanuts” music fame).  Since you’re likely (playing) too dense to get the joke, Kellie, I’ll tell you.  It’s an instrumental.  Get it?  I think your singing is so unintersting, the only thing that would improve it is if you didn’t sing.  You do a great job of playing dumb, but it’s time to smarten up.  Now, of course, we can’t handle a sudden shift in your personality, so I think “Polyester Bride” by Liz Phair will be the perfect song to start you on the road to being grown up.

Okay, I’m tired.  I can’t be bothered to come up with songs for Ace, Katharine or Lisa.  What songs would you give them?

American Idol Into The 21st Century!!!

Last night, the American Idol kids (and their Uncle Taylor) performed songs from the 21st Century.  Today, as I sit in the early years of that same 21st century, I rank their performances.  I will start with the best performance and sink to the bottom of the barrel.

Taylor was the best of the bunch last night.  I don’t think I’d like to hang out with Taylor, because I think he’d spend most of the night looking for a microphone to sing into, so he’d be able to rid his soul of some, well, soul.  Men need to ejaculate every so often, to relieve the pressure of built up semen.  To Taylor, I think soulfulness is his semen.  It just builds up in him and he has to release it.  Those who tuned in to last night’s show saw him wank off in a pretty controlled way.  Simon wanted Taylor to stroke a bit harder, but Taylor said he just wanted to sing tonight, not to show off.  I found that to be a very interesting comment and makes me think that Taylor is pretty astute in knowing what he needs to do to make it far in the competition.  When I started this paragraph, I honestly didn’t know I’d be heading towards that Soulful Stage Masturbation analogy.

Paris was quite good, I thought.  She has incredible stage-presence for a 17 year old, and her voice is always exceptional.  As she was shaking her underage booty pretty good at one point, I knew that at least one of the judges would tell her to portray her age more.  I am not sure, but I think at least one did.  But I think that’s bad advice, or at least, cowardly.  I think that advice has more to do with them thinking that their viewers (ie, America) can’t handle sexuality from someone that age.

Elliott was pretty good, I thought.  I appreciated the jazzy version of that song he did (I’m always terrible remembering the names of the songs they perform).  I did get the sense that he was kind of always singing on the verge of total catastrophe last night, and didn’t look particularly at ease.  He strayed away from the proper notes a couple of times, and yeah, his stage presence leaves much to be desired, but I thought he was good.  He doesn’t have the face of an Idol, though.  A good radio-face, his.

Chris performed his song well, but I was glad Simon called him on singing the same types of songs week after week.  Been there, done that, Chris.  Now we need to see something else from you.  Interesting, too, to hear Simon comment on how a Creed song doesn’t fit in with the American Idol experience.  It must be such a tug-of-war for people like Chris and Elliott and Taylor to feel the need to conform to fit the Idol model, yet aspire to keep their individual and unique spirits alive.  Wow, what a touchy-feely sentence that was.

Katharine was just okay, I thought.  I got a little angry with the way the judges talked up her performance as if it was odorless shit.  It’s pretty obvious that they are trying to get her to go as far in the competition as she can, and are more than willing to lie to get her there.

Mandisa did a super job singing her gospel song, but I thought exactly like Simon did.  That it was totally self-indulgent.  I really didn’t like her for forcing that on us.  And yes, I realise that “forcing” is only possible if I don’t have access to a remote or movable legs.  But that couch was comfy, and the remote was a bit more than arm’s reach away.  So, yeah, I was Forced to listen to her preaching to me.

Bucky did a good job singing his country song.  I didn’t like the country song and I don’t like Bucky’s country persona. 

Ace has so fallen off the radar. I think his good looks are even starting to fail him.  I noticed a few times last night that he’s resorted to those smoldering-sexy-look-into-the-camera moves to try and compensate for his lack of talent.  What’s his name from last season did that all the time.  And I am gleeful that I honestly cannot remember what’s his name’s name.  Gleeful!

I didn’t actually get home in time to see Lisa‘s performance, but based solely on the 5 second recap at the end of the show, I have to say it was awful.

And that leaves Kellie as the worst of the night.  Now, maybe her actual singing performance wasn’t as bad as Lisa’s, but overall, Kellie’s deperate attempts to be noticed far outreach the patheticness of any other contestant.  You know that scene in some movie, where the aging actress starts to lose her mind, and she sits at the mirror and begins to apply lipstick to her lips, but it’s kind of too much, but rather than wipe off some of the lipstick, she begins to apply even more lipstick, so much so that it begins to cover her whole face, and her eyes get really wide and scary and lost and desperate as she’s grabbing the lipstick like it was a butcher’s knife and she’s swiping wildly at her face with her lipstick and it’s totally smeared all over her face as she begins to wail and have a complete nervous breakdown?  Well, that’s what happening to Kellie.  Only instead of smearing lipstick over her face, she’s smearing dumb.  Right now, the Pickler Smear of Dumbness ™ is being contained to the lips and chin and lower cheekbones, but you can see in her eyes that she’s lost her mind and it’s only a matter of time before she’s completely smeared in dumb.  I fear we won’t get to see that ultimate onstage moment, though, as her Idol days must surely be numbered.  I realise now that I was wrong in wanting Kevin to leave the show because I actually looked forward to seeing his lack of talent being displayed along with his false sense of importance.  Now, for pure potential car-crash shock value, there only Kellie.
Please, America, don’t vote out the Pickler.  I want to see her crash!

Bottom Three:  Kellie, Lisa, BuckyorAce (probably Bucky)
The one to leave:  Lisa.  Can’t say I’ll miss her.

Seal Meat Is Seal Murder

Morrissey will not be touring Canada, in protest of our country’s “barbaric slaughter of over 325,000 baby seals.”
Seriously, good for him, for taking a stance.

However, in return, I vow to not listen to any of Morrissey’s solo albums, in protest of his “barbaric slaughter of the good memories I have of The Smiths”.

Now, truthfully, I don’t know how barbaric Morrissey’s solo albums have been, but I assume my knowledge of his solo career is on par with his knowledge of the realities of the seal hunt.

I honestly don’t have much of an opinion on the seal hunt (even though I posted earlier this month on Paul McCartney’s visit to PEI to sing his Sealy Little Love Song).  I am not one to invest much concern into subjective “animal rights” issues, so my inclination is to be in support of it, as I think most of the anti-seal hype is based on emotion rather than fact.
As I said, good for him for taking a stance.  I look forward to his announcement of not touring in the USofA as a protest of the annual deer cull.  Oh, wait, killing deer isn’t a hot-topic issue.  Even though sports hunters kill about 1 million Mule Deer and 2 million White-tailed Deer annually (compared to the 325,000 annual quota of seals).
What’s the matter, Morrissey?  Aren’t deer cute enough for you?  Have you not seen Bambi?

Go Fish

I uploaded my first small movie to YouTube. I may have posted a time-restricted link to it here before, but now it’s on YouTube and available to the entire world. It’s “Go Fish”, a little western drama featuring my son and his friend. It was filmed on my Canon digital camera and edited in Windows Movie Maker, so, yeah, it’s a bit rough. Still, though, it’s got some fun elements. The occasional long pauses are intentional, as I was trying to create dramatic tension. I’ll leave it up to you as to whether drama was achieved.

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American Idol – 50’s Week Didn’t Suck!

When I learned it was going to be a 50’s theme for American Idol this week, I shuddered at the potential awfulness of the performances.  And then when I learned that Barry Manilow was going to be involved, my shudder became a full-blown fever of fearful expectation.
Well, I was wrong.  Most of last night’s performances were pretty good, and the interpretations of the songs (thanks in part to Barry, who seems like a super smart arranger) were much better than I anticipated they’d be.
Onto the singers:
Mandisa – She always has a pretty face, and last night her very pretty face was surrounded by a fantastic hairstyle.  She wore a slimming black dress that did an amazing job of taking attention away from her oh so large posterior.  Of course, the camerapeople helped too, by not zooming in on it.  (and yes, I realise there’s a joke there about how, with the size of her ass, could the cameras *not* zoom in on her ass – her ass is a constant zoom shot, but I won’t go there.  I just won’t)  Her performance was stellar.  She’s been progressively improving each and every week, and her first week starting point was already top-notch, so she’s a threat to win it all.  Except, you know, she has a huge ass that America will never allow to become top Idol.
Bucky – I realised last night that Bucky doesn’t sing.  He rasps.  And he often rasps out of key.  I thought his performance of Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy” was pedestrian and bland.  While it may have been a good song choice to fit his style and personality, I don’t think it’s a good choice to show off his singing (lackof) abilities.  Hmm.  Since he’s not a great singer, maybe a song that doesn’t show his lack of ability is a great choice.  Anyway, not very good tonight, Bucky.  And I’m partly saying that because I cannot get past your hair, both on your face and on your head.  Awful.  He’ll be Bottom Three.
Paris – She looked fantastic and she sang “Fever” even better.  I thought she rocked.  She seems so incredibly in control of her stage presence that it is frightening to think she’s just 17.  Wow, great performance.
Katherine – I’ve not yet liked anything that she’s worn.  None of her tops seem to fit properly, like she’s trying to keep the secret from her mother that she’s pregnant.  She looked pretty great last night, though, in an ill-fitting dress.  From the introductory segment on her experience with Barry, I was expecting to not like her song and song choice, but she did a super job.  Maybe the best I’ve seen from her.  She’s always in danger of bombing, I think, but last night she more than rose to the occasion.
Chris – My (and others) odds-on favourite to win the competition.  His rendition of I Walk The Line was superb.  If that was recorded today, it’d be a radio hit tomorrow.  Guaranteed.  This guy has it all and should be one of the final two.  Wonderful job.
Lisa – Apart from Kevin, Lisa is, in my opinion, the least talented of the remaining performers.  Some nights she shows glimpses of her potential, but last night it was a pretty uninspired performance.  She’s a Bottom Three finalist tonight.
Taylor – Taylor should be hoping that his fans remember the excellent performances he’s done in previous weeks because last night was terrible for him.  A terrible song choice, much too repetitive and not very challenging, vocally.  He tried to sell it, though, as best he could, but I didn’t buy it at all.  One of the evening’s three worst performances, but he’s built up enough good Karma to not be in the bottom three tonight.
Elliot – This was the most difficult song choice of the night, in terms of being a vocal challenge.  Elliot always seems to choose the most difficult songs and I’m never sure he succeeds in pulling them off.  Last night, he had moments where he seemed out of synch with the music, like he was trying to rush through his lyrics.  He seemed quite nervous early on, but by halfway through the song, he found the groove and was pretty sharp to the end.  I loved his honesty, though, about not really digging Manilow’s songs.  Good for him.
Kellie – I absolutely hated this performance.  Maybe I’m soured on Pickler (get it?), but I seem to have lost any ability to adore her naive stupidity any longer.  I wonder when America will tire of her?  I thought her Walking After Midnight was very much a “by the book” performance, without heart or feeling.  Barry is all about finding the story of the song, and singing the emotion behind that story, and she totally failed, in my opinion.  She should be a Bottom Three, but America will love her ditziness for a few more weeks, before they crash from her sugar-rush sweetness.  No, wait.  I’m changing my mind.  She’ll be a Bottom Three contestant tonight.  America is tiring of her.  Just wait and see!
Kevin – I’ve voiced my opinion of Kevin a few times.  Basically, I don’t think he belongs in the competition, and the only reason he is there is because he’s willing to play along with the “untalented nerd pretends he’s sexy and talented” angle.  Last week, he did an okay job with his song (still it was the worst of the week, IMO).  Last night, his performance was actually pretty good.  Great song choice for him, and performed as well as he could perform it.  Enough to keep him around for another week (or two?).  I loved Simon’s noncommittal comment about how his performance will really be appreciated by those who like Kevin’s performances.
Ace – Oh, Ace!  You are free-falling to the bottom of the talent pool.  Expectations were so high for you a few weeks ago, but a couple of poor performances since have made people look past your oh so pretty looks.  Maybe our ears were blinded (huh?) by your beauty all along.  Maybe you were always just mediocre?  Anyway, this week was a bit better than weeks past, enough to keep you safe from the Bottom Three (unless America has a hate-on for you, in which case you’re sunk).

Bottom Three – Bucky, Kellie, Lisa

Contestant to leave – Lisa

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PopCultured – No Longer Bottom Of Barrel

Well, Canada, you have a new contender for worst comedy show on television.  For a couple of years now (is it really more than one year?), PopCultured has reigned supreme as worst comedy show.  But at least you could see their writers/producers/performers trying.  Failing miserably, but trying.
Now, though, there is a show so bad, so far below the poor quality of PopCultured that it makes it look like The Daily Show in comparison.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Girls Will Be Girls.
When I first saw commercials and previews for this program, I immediately thought to myself “uh oh, that’s gonna suck”.  Rather than just sit idly by and stew in my assumptions, I decided to watch some of it when it first aired.  It was atrocious.  Far worse than I could have imagined.
For those who don’t know its premise:  basically, it’s four “cool” women who do “outrageous” things in candid camera style streeter videos.  Unfortunately, the things they do (and I admit I’ve only seen a handful of their pranks) are so intolerably unfunny that it makes me seethe with anger.  There’s the girl who stands on the street and pretends to be schizophrenic, arguing with the voices in her head.  There’s the girl who walks down the street with her skirt caught in the back of her panties.  There’s the girl who stands next to a guy on the street and imitates his movements.
I suppose the premise of the Girls pitch to The Comedy Network was that “hey, girls can be funny and outrageous, too!  Our show will be like Just For Laughs Gags, but with chicks!”  It’s not funny, nor outrageous, though.  Not in the least.  It is only juvenile.  And while “juvenile humour” can be funny, it just can’t be juvenile by itself.  It still needs to have an inkling of humour within it.  Girls Will Be Girls has not one iota of humour. 
With PopCultured and Girls Will Be Girls as “Comedy Network” original programs, it’s quickly becoming apparent that the people who run that network don’t have much of a sense of humour.  Which is odd for a network called “Comedy”.  Hopefully, they’ll kick those shows to the curb post haste.  Either that or start renting the laff-trak machine that Just For Laughs Gags uses.  Because, seriously, the only way I know that GWBG is supposed to be funny is because it’s on a channel with Comedy in its title.
I’ve seen Just For Laugh Gags a number of times, and every time I do, I always get angry at how unfunny it was.  But now, with GWBG as the new base in base comedy-less comedy, I may have to start giving the Gags people some props.  At least I can see that they put some thought and effort  into creating the gags.  It’s just that they fail so hugely in their execution.  I always am bugged by the Gags fakey-fake lafftrak, and by the mostly puzzled, confused looks from the public, the people who are supposed to be getting punk’d.  The laughtrack works so hard at trying to convince us that what we are seeing is funny, but it’s almost always belied by the “whatever” reactions of the people being tricked. 
GWBG doesn’t stoop to a laughtrack, and, sadly, it seems to be a mistake.  I think the incalculable lack of humour in their video segments might benefit from fake laugther.  At least it’d clue us tv watchers in that what we are seeing is supposed to be humour. Perhaps they do use a laff-track but the canned laughter just gets sucked into the suckiness of the segments that we don’t hear it.  Kind of like the old saying:  If a joke bombs in the forest, does anybody know they’re supposed to laugh?
So, Elvira, rest a bit easier this year.  Your show isn’t the worst one on The Comedy Network anymore.

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Top O’ The Mor – Yeah, Right


Jean, Preston wedding 1948
Originally uploaded by The Annekenstein Monster.

I was never one to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Something about my MacDonald Scottish ancestry forbids it. Of course, I don’t celebrate Robbie Burns Day, either. Maybe I’m just a guy who can’t get behind mass celebrations. Except, well, Christmas, I guess, which used to be a Mass celebration, if you know what I mean.

One day that I’ll gladly celebrate, though, is my parents’ anniversary. And, today, St. Patrick’s Day, just happens to be the 58th anniversary of their wedding day. This picture was taken on that day.
58 years!
Happy anniversary, parents! And thanks for being so great.

Kevin Covais, the Shitty… An American Idol Rant

You can see it in his eyes.  He now thinks he is something.  And I blame you, Randy and Paula.
I’m talking about the 16 year old American Idol contestant Kevin Covais.  He’s a deer-in-the-headlights dweeb with a weak voice who somehow managed to make it to the final 12, and inexplicably survived through last night’s first top-12 elimination (he wasn’t even in the “Bottom Three”!!!).  The “somehow managed”, though, isn’t such a mystery to my eyes.  The AI producers saw early on that this guy was their joke contestant.  The go-to guy, good for a few laughs, the odd funny line, and willing to play along and make fun of his own funny looks and nebbishness.  You could practically see the producers rubbing the Endearing Glue on his back, tossing him on the Big Map Of America and seeing if anything sticks.  Well, he stuck.  Only problem is, he can’t sing.  Not a bit.  He’s terrible, in fact.  But that doesn’t matter, because America Lervs him.
Well, enough of America loves him to keep him in the competition for at least another week, despite being unquestionably the worst singer of the bunch.  He’s miles worse than anyone else still competing.  No, I fear that Shitty Kevin Covais will last through at least a couple more weeks.
Normally, I wouldn’t care (and truthfully, I don’t, except in that totally meaningless superficial “who wore the best gown at the Oscars” kind of way), except that I see a disturbance in the Endearing Force of Kevin Covais.  Now, he is starting to believe the hype.  You can see it in his eyes.  No, of course he doesn’t believe the claims that he’s a legitimate sex-symbol.  Everyone gets that joke, even him.  But, I’m afraid that he’s starting to believe that he actually belongs in this competition.  That he’s on par, vocally, with the rest of the competition..  Kevin…honey… you’re not.
I blame, of course, the producers for letting the joke go this far.  I blame Randy and Paula for never really questioning his vocal talents and only commenting on how much they like his performing-monkey antics.  Well, Paula I can’t blame, because, well, who can blame the rainbow that bursts within your heart?  She’s the joke judge, so naturally she’s beyond blame. 
It’s “shame shame” on Randy, though, for playing along with the charade.  Man, he’s so frustrating, Randy is, because he seems like he should have better sense than he displays, but he continues to side with Paula.  And, yes, there is his general lack of ability to communicate a complete thought, but we can forgive him that.  We can’t forgive him his decisions to side with Paula, all for the sake of “making Simon the bad guy”.  Too bad, Randy, that by willingly doing so, you are tarnishing any position of respect you’ve earned.  I know why he does it though, why he sides with Paula.  He’s a huge delicate bubble of a man, you see, and everytime he venture into the negative constructive criticism world, the “boos” of the audience are like pin-pricks on him, and his soul bursts.  He simply cannot handle people not liking him.  So, he lies, and says exactly what the audience wants to hear.  Or rather, he bullshits himself through all of his criticisms so that it really doesn’t matter what he says, since it doesn’t really make sense.
Back to Shitty Kevin Covais.  The only one who refuses the play the game is Simon.  He’s the only one who ever comments on Kevin’s lack of singing chops.  And while I expect the audience to boo him for it, I get angry when Randy and Paula complain about his speaking the truth. I hate it when Ryan calls him out on it, too, because Ryan calls him out on exactly the wrong reasons.  Ryan always claims that Simon never gives constructive criticism, but in fact, Simon is usually the only one who does so.  Anyway, that bugs me.
And, now, I blame Kevin, too, for his part in the charade of his participation.  Because, now he is believing he’s deserving.  You can see it in his eyes. He’s believing he belongs.
And he so doesn’t belong.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! I hate this show so much!!!!
Can’t wait for next week!

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Three Sports Updates

1.  The NCAA Championship in men’s basketball, otherwise known as March Madness, gets underway tomorrow.  In past years, my interest in the tournament has ranged from Total Disinterest to Mild Interest to Casual Watcher.  This year, though, I sense that my interest will be way up.  I plan on watching a lot of it.

2.  The Miami Dolphins traded a second round draft pick for Duante Culpepper.  Culpepper has been in the upper echelon of quality quarterbacks for most of his career.  Last year was less than a stellar one for him, but I’m hoping that was an anomaly.  Also, he injured his knee last October, so I’m hoping that won’t mean a significant decline in ability.  I am cautiously optimistic about his addition to the team.  I’m about 20% on the “Another Busted Acquisition” side, and 80% fervently hoping that he regains his 2004 outstanding qualities.  Okay, so maybe I’m not so cautious in my optimism.

3.  Formula One is back in action for another year.  I think I’ll like the new qualifying setup they implemented this year.  I don’t have much hope for Villeneuve, and expect this to be his last year.  Guess I’ll just try to enjoy any TV name-time he gets this season.  Hoping him to finish in the points in more than a few races, but nothing much more than that.  Looks like it could be a 3-way race for the driver’s title, between Alonso, Raikkonnen and Schumacher.  I don’t believe Button has what it takes to be considered a contender.  Montoya is done, I’m afraid.

Bonus:  I like the goaltending move the Canadiens did at the trade deadline.  Cristobal Huet is standing on his head for them now, but he needs rest and a solid backup is required.  Getting David Abeischer (sp?) from Colorado, a streaky starting goalie is a great move when all you need is a competent backup.  Now, if the Habs could only find a way to score a few more goals, they’d have a legitimate shot at going a few rounds into the playoffs.