I just returned from the future – from about 6 hours in the future, to be exact. I went into the future so I could give you an advanced rundown of tonight’s American Idol televisionistic presentation.
Tonight, on American Idol…
Well, Ryan came out to an unbelievably large audience of maniacal fans. One sign that stood out to me, held by a chubby 13 year old girl, said: "Scotty, You Terroridol Me!!"… Cute. Ryan was wearing a tight black t, with a dark brown suit jacket and dark jeans. His hair was tossled just so. He introduced the judges, and while doing so, made an innuendo-joke about Simon swallowing a turnip. Simon retorted with a comment on Ryan’s lack of any talent for anything. Oh those two, when are they gonna get married!
Then it was time for Ryan to introduce the pre-recorded segment when he tells the group about tonight’s genre. He runs in to the Coke Room and shows them all pictures of feces. After Vonzell guesses "the same type of shit we’ve been singing forever" and Scotty guesses "I hate my dad!", Ryan tells them "No, tonight’s genre is songs that have moved you." So, you know, that’s gonna be shitty.
First up is Vonzell. She’s wearing some rock-hard faded denim pants, a navel-showing pink short-t, and a black leather jacket. She’s chosen Climax At The End Of Movie from Disney’s animated feature "Humanimal" because, as she says "Climax At The End Of Movie was so great and made me and my Mom cry when we saw it with the twins." It’s not an uptempo song, so that’s not good. Vonzell starts off poorly, but by the end hits some incredible high and sustained notes. Randy didn’t like it, bro, and thinks it wasn’t her best performance. Vonzell asks him to be a little more articulate in his criticism, and he says, "you know, it was… okay, but not, I don’t know, you best." Paula starts to talk about Vonzell’s lipstick choice, and how it glistens in the pretty lights. But as she’s talking, she gets side-tracked by a moth that flutters by. Simon says she was "absolutely pathetic" and wishes her "dead" for making him sit through that "festering pile of shit". Ryan comments about how that relates to the theme of the night, then gives Vonzell’s phone number.
Next up is Bo, and Bo’s wearing the rockin’est most rockin’ clothes you’ve ever laid your eyes on. For tonight’s show, Bo tells us, he’s chosen Shitty Song from his favourite BlisterMetal band, Trixxiksiks. His voice sounds a bit raspy, but it doesn’t matter once the bleeding-from-the-mouth starts. At this point I begin to miss Constantine, as I imagine him singing this song. Then I realise that the blood that comes out of his mouth would be fake blood. Bo forgets a few of the lyrics and replaces them with Indian Yelps. Randy calls this performance "the bomb, man". Paula purses her lips tight together and begins to make toy-motorboat engine sounds, as spittle flies all about. Simon declares Bo the King of Bo and all his loyal subjects will no doubt vote him through to the next round. Ryan comes on and calls Simon "The King of Gay" and Simon retorts with something about how Ryan could be his servant. Ryan then gives out Bo’s phone details.
Third up is Anthony, or as Ryan calls him "A Dot To The N Dot To The T Dot To The H Dot To The O Dot To The N Dot To The Y Dot…F Dot To the E Dot To The D Dot To The E Dot Again To The R Dot To The O Dot Once More To The V Dot". Anthony, in his introduction to the song he’s chosen, reminds us that he’s a communist, that he had a tracheal torture experiment done on him when his family tried to escape Pitymeosk. He’s chosen Billy Joel’s Piano Man because he loves that he’s still in the competition and this is a song that he could sing. Anthony does a terrible job of the song and the audience goes crazy when each of the judges says it was terrible. Even Paula sobers up enough to say it was wonderful. Ryan reminds us that if you don’t vote for Anthony, the Earth will stop spinning and we’ll all get flung off the earth.
Next is Carrie and she tells us she’s singing Chritina MacCountry’s uptempo song Beaten, Bloodied and Betrothed because she too, knows someone who "once went through the terrible atrocity of wife beating in an entertaining uptempo way". She sings the hell out of it and the judges all tell her she’s the one to beat. Nobody gets the joke. Mostly because none of the judges realised it was a joke. Ryan says he’d like to beat Simon and Simon says he would like to be beaten by Ryan. There is an uncomfortable silence as they both, for the first time, speak the truth about their relationship.
Finally, Scott. He tells us that he has an awful headache and he’s spoken with Jesus about his father, and Jesus said that Scott should punish us for his father’s actions. Scott lies that he’s chosen Van Halen’s Jump as his song to sing tonight, because, he says, "it moved me, I guess.". But when Scott comes out on stage, he’s dressed in a long black trenchcoat, and screams that "this is for all the shit!!" and pulls out a semi-automatic machine gun and begins to plug bullets into everyone he can, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately the screaming is off-key, and full of trills and bullshit fake-feeling. Ryan gives us his phone number and bleeds to death.
Bottom Three: Scott, The Audience, Me for planning to watch.
Leaving on Wednesday: Scott.
Seacrest, out!
