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Alright, after a weekend without campaigning here for my fake run for the provincial legislature under the banner of The Bridal Shower Party, my fake independent political party, I’m back with some more promises that are sure to get me elected.  Even though I’m not really running.

Today’s promise: A new Scarlett Letter

That’s right, kids.  If I get even a modicum of power in this province, I’ll be pushing for a cleansing of sorts.  I’ll establish a posse comitatus whose main purpose is to quell noise in this province.  It will be a two-tiered system of Quietess.  First, is The Scarlett Letter Campaign: a certain number of trusted civilians in the province will be given paintball guns.  They will be free to shoot, with a bright red paint ball, anyone who is deemed to be causing excessive noise.  Harley motorbikes, muscle cars, drunken late-night muscle-heads all will be at risk.  If you get shot with a paint ball gun, it’s your notice to Quiet The Hell Down!!  If, after the initial Red Scarlett Letter Paintball has hit you, you remain noisy, then you are at risk and subject to Phase Two:  The Provincial Rubber Bulleting.  A certain number of citizens will be equipped with scoped rifles and a supply of rubber bullets.  They will be authorized to shoot anyone who is emblazoned with a Red Scarlett Letter Paintball blast and is still deemed to be too noisy.  We’ll make sure these rubber bullets hurt like hell. 

If this doesn’t shut them up, then I don’t know what.

Don’t make me come up with a Phase Three, people!!

This island is, for better or worse, known as The Gentle Island.  Vote for me and I’ll make it The Quiet Island.

Now here’s a hot-button topic:  patronage.

As the sole member of my very own Bridal Shower Party, I’ll fully admit that our party does not yet have a firm stance on the issue of patronage.  But here’s what I’m promising to do:  I’m going to hire two of my brothers and a couple of my cousins to look into it.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, that’s patronage right there!”  And you’re right.  It is patronage.  But, honestly, how else can one really get an understanding of an issue unless he immerses himself in it?  To my knowledge, nobody in my family or circle of acquaintances has ever received a job based on their political affiliation. In that respect, I, and my family are not only ignorant to the inner-workings of patronage, but, in all honesty, we’re due.

I don’t *want* to hire two of my brothers and a couple of my cousins to look into this very complicated, very deeply routed issue.  Honestly, none of them are qualified in any way to lead an investigation into anything other than “what’s in the fridge?”.  But I feel I *have* to hire them.  And, no, it’s not just so they’ll get off my back about getting them jobs.  But, let me tell them right here and now:  You can stop calling the house at all hours looking for hand-outs!

Once they report back to me on the issue, then I’ll make our party’s patronage policy public.  If it turns out that patronage really is a good thing for the majority of voting Islanders, and the Bridal Shower Party does end up endorsing it, here’s something to keep in mind:  With me being the very first BS Party member of the Legislature, the BS Party Patronage Wagon is totally Open Season.  We have all kinds of appointments and jobs that will need filling, and since we’re new, we have no incumbents. 

So, keep this in mind:  A Vote For Rob Is A Vote For Your Own Patronage Job!!

Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that my new, non-existent political party, The Bridal Shower Party, can also be called The BS Party.  Yeah, yeah, ha ha!  I’m standing by it, my friends.  By the way, I’m now registered at Burke Electric and Johnston’s Tire.  I am not, however, registered as a legal politician running in this election.  I am, nonetheless, running in this election.

Also, yesterday, an anonymous (to you, not to me) high-ranking member of one of the Island’s more popular political parties, contacted me and offered up this slogan, which I heartily endorse:

Don’t be a knob.  Vote for Rob.

That correspondence from the high-ranking political figure just proves that the all-important grass-roots interest is starting to burn for me and my party.  Despite that burning, I was not responsible for those fires down east over the last couple of days.  Now, onto today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  Every job a seasonal job.

This will require quite a change of thought regarding how things are done on PEI.  However, if everyone goes along, we’ll all be living the life of Riley.  This is how it works:

Every job on PEI, both private and public, will become “seasonal work”, 4 months long. On September 14, 2007, everyone on the island will be laid off.  Everyone.  Then, on September 15, all the jobs on PEI go into a lottery.  Every working-eligible citizen of PEI will be given a lottery number, and in sequence will get to
draw their next job from the hat, until either all jobs are picked, or all work-eligible people receive jobs (everyone else will either go on EI or welfare.  Only we now will call it “Vacation”).
These people will be in their new jobs for 4 months, until January 14th, at which point they are all laid off.  Then a new random allotment of lottery numbers will be issued and in sequence new jobs will be received. However, this time, people can hand-pick their next job.  They must, however, pick from an assortment of jobs with incomes that are in inverse to their last job, based on the provincial average of income.

What’s that mean?  Well, if your first job paid, say, 20,000 a year, and the average income on PEI is, say, 30,000, then you could pick your next job from the bunch that are approximate to 40,000 per year.  And vice versa.

Based on the random lottery, you get to pick the job you want, based on the income limitation.  First come first served, however those who were previously on EI or welfare have first dibs. This new set of jobs will last 4 months, until May 14th, when there’s the third round of job switching.

Following this program, everyone on PEI who is work-eligible will work two different jobs a year, 4 months duration each.  Then they will have 4 months vacation as well.  Every 3 years, your guaranteed to have the 4 months of summer as a vacation.  Everybody ends up making the same amount of money per year.  Everyone is happy.
As for those protesters who say “what if someone isn’t qualified for their new position?”  C’mon, seriously, how hard are most jobs?  Most jobs, monkeys could handle them.  I’ve got a monkey as my idea guy.  He came up with this idea.

So, that’s another promise:  every job a seasonal job.

I’m running in this upcoming provincial election.  I have not, and will not file any papers making it official, but I’m running. I am running for the Bridal Shower Party, which does not officially exist.  My campaign will continue to unfold on this website.

Today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  I’ll bring the boys back home.

We all know that hordes of Island youth are leaving the Employment Dry Teat of PEI to find work in the moist vagina that is called Alberta.  (My PR people want me to call Alberta “The Nation’s Ass”, but I think that’s tacky.  And there’s nothing worse than a tacky ass)  Anyway, if elected, I promise to not only turn off the tap that is leaking our youth to other parts of the world, but I also promise to bring back home as many of our youth as possible.

“How can you do that, Rob” I hear you ask.  Here’s my plan.  The provincial government will put advertisements in every paper in the country, extolling the large number of excellent jobs that have suddenly become available on PEI.  We’ll also put in ads advertising the wonderful new rollercoaster that’s been built in Cavendish, plus a few other “Items of Buzz” (a new term I just coined) designed to get the youth interested in returning.  Basically, we’ll lie mold the truth a bit.  Whatever it takes to get the youth of PEI to come back home.

Once they’re back, one of two things will happen. 1) they’ll realize it was a lie  molding of the truth, and leave again, or 2) they’ll realize it was a lie truth-mold and decide to stay anyway, being too lazy to up and move twice in the same year.
I would guess that easily two-thirds of the youth coming home in search of good jobs and rollercoasters will decide to stay.  66%… My competitors would kill for numbers like that!!

There you go.  My promise to bring the boys back home.

Stay tuned for more promises in the coming days.

I’m running in this upcoming provincial election.  I have not, and will not file any papers making it official, but I’m running. I am running for the Bridal Shower Party, which does not officially exist.  My campaign will continue to unfold on this website.

Today’s promise:

Rob Promises:  I’ll bring the boys back home.

We all know that hordes of Island youth are leaving the Employment Dry Teat of PEI to find work in the moist vagina that is called Alberta.  (My PR people want me to call Alberta “The Nation’s Ass”, but I think that’s tacky.  And there’s nothing worse than a tacky ass)  Anyway, if elected, I promise to not only turn off the tap that is leaking our youth to other parts of the world, but I also promise to bring back home as many of our youth as possible.

“How can you do that, Rob” I hear you ask.  Here’s my plan.  The provincial government will put advertisements in every paper in the country, extolling the large number of excellent jobs that have suddenly become available on PEI.  We’ll also put in ads advertising the wonderful new rollercoaster that’s been built in Cavendish, plus a few other “Items of Buzz” (a new term I just coined) designed to get the youth interested in returning.  Basically, we’ll lie mold the truth a bit.  Whatever it takes to get the youth of PEI to come back home.

Once they’re back, one of two things will happen. 1) they’ll realize it was a lie  molding of the truth, and leave again, or 2) they’ll realize it was a lie truth-mold and decide to stay anyway, being too lazy to up and move twice in the same year.
I would guess that easily two-thirds of the youth coming home in search of good jobs and rollercoasters will decide to stay.  66%… My competitors would kill for numbers like that!!

There you go.  My promise to bring the boys back home.

Stay tuned for more promises in the coming days.

Just found out that a short interview a few of us Sketchers (Me, Jason & Graham) did for Eastlink Magazine (the local cable company’s TV channel community showcase program) will air Monday May 14th at 7pm on Eastlink TV.  That’s Cable 10 for those old-timers.

We’re on our way, Baby!!  I won’t admit to stardom, however, until I spend a cocaine-fuelled night in a Dartmouth strip club with Bruce Frisko.

I’ve decided to run in the upcoming provincial election.  I am running as the sole candidate for the newly formed Bridal Shower Party.  While I’m not registered with Elections PEI, I am registered at Sears and The Wedding Place.

Today’s Promise:

Rob Promises: The People’s voice will be heard (plus, free small fries, or small double double)

If elected, I’ll turn every drive-thru on PEI into a fast-food drive-thru – slash- PEI Access station.  You’ll be able to order your food or drink, and officially complain about the state of things. Also, with your first complaint, you can get a free small fries or small drink.  Your complaints will be transcribed and collected for reports that will come directly to my office every day.  Plus, your provincial health card will also double as a “buy 12 get one free” card for the fast food establishment of your choice.

Since the drive-thru workers will be employees of the province, their pay-scale will be increased to match their new “government worker” status.

Stay tuned for more promises…

Here’s a link to an American news story about a Down’s Syndrome young man who loves to sing.  He loves to dress up in a suit and tie like President Bush and sing the Star Spangled Banner.

Things to note:  Check out the articulate intro of the woman who did the story.  That’s “articulate” as in “not articulate”.  Also, do you find, as I do, that when they come back to the three at the news desk after the piece, that the other woman is particularly patronizing when she exclaims that the guy is “Precious!!”. I really don’t like the whole “isn’t it cute, he sings as if he’s normal” kind of vibe from the news people.  Finally, I would pay a million dollars (and obviously go into debt doing it) if the mother (I assume she’s his mother) in the piece had said: “Well, by the way he looked and the way he sounded, we knew quite early that he was Down’s Syndrome, which is fine.  But when he said he adored President Bush, well, then we knew he was retarded.”

Seeing how two comedians put their names forward this year to run in provincial politics on PEI, I thought it would only make sense for me to do the same.  Therefore, I am officially announcing that I am running as an independent in the election of May 28.  I haven’t filed any papers, and my budget is zero dollars (see how much money I’ve already saved the People of PEI?), and my PR will be nothing more than this website, but I think I have a pretty good chance of winning my riding.  I don’t know, yet, who’s running against me, or, in fact, which riding I am actually in, but I am confident.  And considering that my name won’t be on the ballot, you have to realize just how confident I’d need to be to think I can win.
Yes, I’m that confident.
By the way, I’m running for the newly formed (by me) Bridal Shower
Party.  All gifting can be forwarded to my home address.  I’m
registered at Canadian Tire and Afternoon Delight.

But I realize that I cannot run on just my good looks.  I need some political substance behind the political sexiness that is Rob MacDonald.  Therefore, in the coming weeks you can look forward to reading some of my campaign promises here on the old blog.

Here’s my very first campaign promise:

I promise an ER in every home.

Long enough has this island of a hundred and some-odd thousand people suffer through the impatience of driving more than 5 minutes to get to an emergency room (kudos, by the way, to my campaign writer, me, for coming up with that clever “patience”/”hospital” play on words).  If I get elected, I will do my darnedest to put forward a bill or a proposition or whatever-the-legal-word-is that states every home on PEI be equipped with a fully-functioning emergency room of its own.
Each ER will come with its own doctor and nurse (both would be live-in) staff (3 doctors and nurses per home = 8 hour shifts).  How can you afford so many doctors, you ask.  Good question.  My plan is to Pay More Doctors Less (they are already saving on room and board, right?).  The doctors and nurses can easily supplement their healthcare wages by contracting out for odd-jobs around the house for when they’re not on-duty.  It will be up to the home-owners and healthcare practitioners to agree upon an hourly wage they think is fair.  Personally, I’d suggest $9 / hr for manual labour chores such as shoveling a driveway of snow.  Slightly less for daily chores such as doing the dishes.  Tell you what, I’ll do up a pamphlet with a list of my suggested wages for specific chores.
Single-dwelling homes will have one full staff of doctors and nurses.  Duplexes may share a single in-home ER facility, but the number of healthcare workers employed in the duplex must be doubled.  Apartment buildings can have one ER room per floor, but again, the number of healthcare workers must be increased so that there are 3 doctors and nurses available for every 3.4 persons living on each floor.

This plan will be a long-term solution to the healthcare problems that the Island has faced for decades.  Also, it will be a short-term boon to the construction industry on PEI, as every house will have to be out-fitted for an emergency room.

There you go:  An ER for every home.

Stay tuned to this website for future campaign promises.

Technorati Tags: PEI, election

Seeing how two comedians put their names forward this year to run in provincial politics on PEI, I thought it would only make sense for me to do the same.  Therefore, I am officially announcing that I am running as an independent in the election of May 28.  I haven’t filed any papers, and my budget is zero dollars (see how much money I’ve already saved the People of PEI?), and my PR will be nothing more than this website, but I think I have a pretty good chance of winning my riding.  I don’t know, yet, who’s running against me, or, in fact, which riding I am actually in, but I am confident.  And considering that my name won’t be on the ballot, you have to realize just how confident I’d need to be to think I can win.
Yes, I’m that confident.
By the way, I’m running for the newly formed (by me) Bridal Shower

Party.  All gifting can be forwarded to my home address.  I’m

registered at Canadian Tire and Afternoon Delight.

But I realize that I cannot run on just my good looks.  I need some political substance behind the political sexiness that is Rob MacDonald.  Therefore, in the coming weeks you can look forward to reading some of my campaign promises here on the old blog.

Here’s my very first campaign promise:

I promise an ER in every home.

Long enough has this island of a hundred and some-odd thousand people suffer through the impatience of driving more than 5 minutes to get to an emergency room (kudos, by the way, to my campaign writer, me, for coming up with that clever “patience”/”hospital” play on words).  If I get elected, I will do my darnedest to put forward a bill or a proposition or whatever-the-legal-word-is that states every home on PEI be equipped with a fully-functioning emergency room of its own.
Each ER will come with its own doctor and nurse (both would be live-in) staff (3 doctors and nurses per home = 8 hour shifts).  How can you afford so many doctors, you ask.  Good question.  My plan is to Pay More Doctors Less (they are already saving on room and board, right?).  The doctors and nurses can easily supplement their healthcare wages by contracting out for odd-jobs around the house for when they’re not on-duty.  It will be up to the home-owners and healthcare practitioners to agree upon an hourly wage they think is fair.  Personally, I’d suggest $9 / hr for manual labour chores such as shoveling a driveway of snow.  Slightly less for daily chores such as doing the dishes.  Tell you what, I’ll do up a pamphlet with a list of my suggested wages for specific chores.
Single-dwelling homes will have one full staff of doctors and nurses.  Duplexes may share a single in-home ER facility, but the number of healthcare workers employed in the duplex must be doubled.  Apartment buildings can have one ER room per floor, but again, the number of healthcare workers must be increased so that there are 3 doctors and nurses available for every 3.4 persons living on each floor.

This plan will be a long-term solution to the healthcare problems that the Island has faced for decades.  Also, it will be a short-term boon to the construction industry on PEI, as every house will have to be out-fitted for an emergency room.

There you go:  An ER for every home.

Stay tuned to this website for future campaign promises.

Technorati Tags: PEI, election