The Annekenstein Monster

Listen.  I’m as sick as you are with these interminable reality show recaps of mine.  But I have to comment on this past season of Survivor.
It was, without question, the most I’ve ever enjoyed a Survivor series. A bunch of smart players who knew how to play the game, knew the parameters within which their relationships were based.  It made for some great viewing.
Some of my highlights:
I so immediately hated Wanda the crazy singing crazy woman.  I was so relieved when she didn’t get picked to play.
I really enjoyed the week-by-week-by-weak dismantling of the Ulong tribe.  It was fantastic the way that Stephanie sort of became the symbol for the Downtrodden (in a reality TV kind of way, I’m not talkin’ starvin’ Africans here) and it became almost impossible not to root for her.  Wouldn’t it have been fantastic if she did make it all the way to final two?  She sure is purty.
I was saddened when Ashlee was voted out.  I enjoyed looking at her bulging breasts.
I didn’t like James the redneck.
Even though he seems like something of a childish snobby self-centered, I was moved by Coby’s moment when he talked about his childhood.  Still, I didn’t quite understand what his problem with Tom was?  He seemed to fabricate the idea that Tom was constantly lying and manipulating people and wouldn’t budge from it.  From what I saw, Tom played perhaps the purest game ever, in terms of playing straight up and honestly.
Ian was my favourite player.  I was hoping he’d win.  What a crazy last three or four days for him.  A couple of minor slip ups in what he says and it implodes on him.  The emotional argument he had with Katie was fantastic, even though it made no sense, logically.  it was simple emotion-vomit.  His decision to give up the chance at final two:  I think I understand it, what with respect himself and all, but man…???
Katie made it to final two by riding the coat-tails of two strong players.  That’s fine.  But what lost her the million dollars was her inability to play the other aspects of the game.  She could have still rode the coat-tails but actually contributed more to the community.  That’s where she failed.
Tom deserved to win, hands down.  He totally dominated in practically every way, outplaying everyone.  He was smart, outwitting all without being in their faces about it…and he outlasted.

So, Survivor will never be as good again as this previous season has been.  I’ll have to admit that and never forget when I watch the next bunch of nuts in Guatamala.

Amazing Race also concluded last week.  It too was a great season, thanks almost entirely to Rob and Amber.  They were the season’s heroes, villains and scapegoats all wrapped into one package.  They never forgot what I consider the two most important rules (that I would try and follow if I was playing): never forget that this is a game and that means doing whatever necessary within the bounds of the game to get ahead, and two: respect your partner.
The final episode was very good, glad that Uchenna and Joyce won, but am pretty skeptical about that plane thing at the end.  If you don’t know, I won’t bother explaining it, because, you know… who really cares anyway?

I hate The Aprrentice but I watch it.  I hate American Idol but I watch it.  I watch because I hate.  They both wrap up fairly soon, but I’ll not bother with recaps on those shows.  There, that’ll show them how much I hate them.

I only got to watch the final two performances of American Idol last night, and I am pretty sure I’m glad of that.  I think maybe I enjoy American Idol more if I don’t watch it.  Aw, who am I kidding.  I’d prefer to watch and not enjoy it.

Anyway, I can’t really comment on the performances or the judges or the repartee of last night’s show, but I can probably safely say that: the performances were such that I wouldn’t have enjoyed them (in all the American Idol performances I’ve ever seen, in all the years, the only performance I *enjoyed* was likely Fantasia’s "Child that’s got his own" from last year.); the judges were mostly asanine except for the spot-on Simon; and the repartee was neither repart or partee.

I don’t know how the kicking off works when there’s only four, but I think Carrie and Anthony will be the two who will be on the edge of leaving tonight, with Anthony finally getting the boot, 9 episodes too late.
Really, I have no idea what The Idiotic Masses Of America(tm)’s thinking with this year.  They’re certainly not thinking with their Talent Meters.  Heck, even Bo could go tonight.

I know it’s a politically incorrect term, but when you watch this, I think you’ll agree that it’s somehow apropos.

I had read where Rosie was doing this movie, but I didn’t watch it.  I know that seeing these bits of video out of context isn’t fair, but holy shit.

I just returned from the future – from about 6 hours in the future, to be exact.  I went into the future so I could give you an advanced rundown of tonight’s American Idol televisionistic presentation.

Tonight, on American Idol…

Well, Ryan came out to an unbelievably large audience of maniacal fans.  One sign that stood out to me, held by a chubby 13 year old girl, said:  "Scotty, You Terroridol Me!!"… Cute.  Ryan was wearing a tight black t, with a dark brown suit jacket and dark jeans.  His hair was tossled just so.  He introduced the judges, and while doing so, made an innuendo-joke about Simon swallowing a turnip.  Simon retorted with a comment on Ryan’s lack of any talent for anything.  Oh those two, when are they gonna get married!
Then it was time for Ryan to introduce the pre-recorded segment when he tells the group about tonight’s genre.  He runs in to the Coke Room and shows them all pictures of feces.  After Vonzell guesses "the same type of shit we’ve been singing forever" and Scotty guesses "I hate my dad!", Ryan tells them "No, tonight’s genre is songs that have moved you."  So, you know, that’s gonna be shitty.
First up is Vonzell.  She’s wearing some rock-hard faded denim pants, a navel-showing pink short-t, and a black leather jacket.  She’s chosen  Climax At The End Of Movie from Disney’s animated feature "Humanimal" because, as she says "Climax At The End Of Movie was so great and made me and my Mom cry when we saw it with the twins."  It’s not an uptempo song, so that’s not good.  Vonzell starts off poorly, but by the end hits some incredible high and sustained notes.  Randy didn’t like it, bro, and thinks it wasn’t her best performance.  Vonzell asks him to be a little more articulate in his criticism, and he says, "you know, it was… okay, but not, I don’t know, you best."  Paula starts to talk about Vonzell’s lipstick choice, and how it glistens in the pretty lights.  But as she’s talking, she gets side-tracked by a moth that flutters by.  Simon says she was "absolutely pathetic" and wishes her "dead" for making him sit through that "festering pile of shit".  Ryan comments about how that relates to the theme of the night, then gives Vonzell’s phone number.
Next up is Bo, and Bo’s wearing the rockin’est most rockin’ clothes you’ve ever laid your eyes on.  For tonight’s show, Bo tells us, he’s chosen  Shitty Song from his favourite BlisterMetal band, Trixxiksiks.  His voice sounds a bit raspy, but it doesn’t matter once the bleeding-from-the-mouth starts.  At this point I begin to miss Constantine, as I imagine him singing this song.  Then I realise that the blood that comes out of his mouth would be fake blood.  Bo forgets a few of the lyrics and replaces them with Indian Yelps.  Randy calls this performance "the bomb, man".  Paula purses her lips tight together and begins to make toy-motorboat engine sounds, as spittle flies all about.  Simon declares Bo the King of Bo and all his loyal subjects will no doubt vote him through to the next round.  Ryan comes on and calls Simon "The King of Gay" and Simon retorts with something about how Ryan could be his servant.  Ryan then gives out Bo’s phone details.
Third up is Anthony, or as Ryan calls him "A Dot To The N Dot To The T Dot To The H Dot To The O Dot To The N Dot To The Y Dot…F Dot To the E Dot To The D Dot To The E Dot Again To The R Dot To The O Dot Once More To The V Dot".  Anthony, in his introduction to the song he’s chosen, reminds us that he’s a communist, that he had a tracheal torture  experiment done on him when his family tried to escape Pitymeosk.  He’s chosen Billy Joel’s Piano Man because he loves that he’s still in the competition and this is a song that he could sing.  Anthony does a terrible job of the song and the audience goes crazy when each of the judges says it was terrible.  Even Paula sobers up enough to say it was wonderful.  Ryan reminds us that if you don’t vote for Anthony, the Earth will stop spinning and we’ll all get flung off the earth.
Next is Carrie and she tells us she’s singing Chritina MacCountry’s uptempo song Beaten, Bloodied and Betrothed because she too, knows someone who "once went through the terrible atrocity of wife beating in an entertaining uptempo way".  She sings the hell out of it and the judges all tell her she’s the one to beat.  Nobody gets the joke.  Mostly because none of the judges realised it was a joke.  Ryan says he’d like to beat Simon and Simon says he would like to be beaten by Ryan.  There is an uncomfortable silence as they both, for the first time, speak the truth about their relationship.
Finally, Scott.  He tells us that he has an awful headache and he’s spoken with Jesus about his father, and Jesus said that Scott should punish us for his father’s actions.  Scott lies that he’s chosen Van Halen’s Jump as his song to sing tonight, because, he says, "it moved me, I guess.".  But when Scott comes out on stage, he’s dressed in a long black trenchcoat, and screams that "this is for all the shit!!" and pulls out a semi-automatic machine gun and begins to plug bullets into everyone he can, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs.  Unfortunately the screaming is off-key, and full of trills and bullshit fake-feeling.  Ryan gives us his phone number and bleeds to death.

Bottom Three:  Scott, The Audience, Me for planning to watch.

Leaving on Wednesday:  Scott.

Seacrest, out!