Tag Archives: Television

I’ve been enjoying… no, not so much enjoying… rather anticipating each week’s episode of the new season of Six Feet Under.  Well, last Monday’s episode had me on my knees (metaphorically) begging it not to stop when it did.
I almost couldn’t handle the ending.  I won’t give anything away, but, and I use this phrase entirely in its teenaged girl form: OH MY GOD.
How many more sleeps until next show?

The fifth and final season of Six Feet Under is finally underway, with episode one airing earlier this week.

I think it’s going to be a harrowing final season.  Without giviing too much away to those who are watching it on DVD and are therefore a season or more behind, it looks like Ruth is going to go through a rough time but I expect she’ll find contentment in the end.
But who knows where the heck Nate is going to end up.  Horrible things just keep on happening to him.
David, actually, has the best prognosis on a happy ending (which could easily mean that he’ll end up the most miserable). 
Claire needs to rebound from the disappointing storyline of last year.  Don’t know if she will with the seedlings of a story that were planted in episode one.

It’s almost all too much to bare.  Can’t wait until next week.

I have been watching more and more documentaries and "educational" programs on television lately.  One was "Battlefield Britain" which I quite liked.  Each episode examined a different, specific battle that took place throughout history on Great Britain.  It was hosted by a father and son team.  The father examined the battle itself, strategies and weapons used, mistakes or innovations, etc, all pertaining to the military aspects of the battle.  The son examined the more humanistic aspects of the era in question.  How the battle affected the people who lived in the area, imagined the mental states of common soldiers from both sides of the fight, etc.
It was quite enjoyable.
Anyway, while watching that on The History Channel, I saw ads for an upcoming series called "Worst Jobs In History".  It looked like it’d be about this guy who attempts to tackle some of the worst jobs in history, actually trying to perform the jobs as they would have been done at the time.
Last night I saw an episode that examined a few jobs from the Tudor period of England.  They guy examined and/or  tried a few different jobs, including a Spit Boy (the man who turns the spit near the huge fireplace in the castle kitchen).  The one that followed that was a job entitled "Groom of the Stool".  Apparently, the Groom of the Stool, in the King’s castle, was, in terms of importance and status, second only to the king himself.  His job?  To wipe the ass of the king.
Ugh.

George Lucas signed off on this.  For that, he can never be forgiven.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (quicktime video)

Featuring:  Chewbacca and his family; a cooking demonstration; Bea Arthur singing; Carrie Fisher singing; and other unspeakables.  I have my Peter Pan ignominy, Harrison Ford has this.

Last night, Vonzell got the boot.  Finally.
Even though there are two remaining American Idol contestants, there really is only one viable choice.
Watching the "Idol goes back to their hometown" video segments and Carrie went back, got the key to the city, and also received induction into the Oklahoma  (I just spelled it Oklahomo, then changed it – I wonder how many soft Okie boys have been called an Oklahomo?) Music Hall of Fame.
I immediately thought to myself "if I was a member of the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame, I’d be pretty sad to suddenly have my status decline in such a dramatic way by the inclusion of such a robotic ‘of the moment’ barely-talent like Carrie Underwood.  Kind of like when Lassie got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  It instantly devalued all significance such a gesture meant to worthwhile people who received it before and after.

Bo will win.  Bo must win.  And I don’t really like his music.  It’s just that Carrie is such a blip of talent, it’d be sad if she won.  Her lack of talent (yes, she can sing, but she can’t – you know – sing.  No soul) doesn’t deserve it.

Listen.  I’m as sick as you are with these interminable reality show recaps of mine.  But I have to comment on this past season of Survivor.
It was, without question, the most I’ve ever enjoyed a Survivor series. A bunch of smart players who knew how to play the game, knew the parameters within which their relationships were based.  It made for some great viewing.
Some of my highlights:
I so immediately hated Wanda the crazy singing crazy woman.  I was so relieved when she didn’t get picked to play.
I really enjoyed the week-by-week-by-weak dismantling of the Ulong tribe.  It was fantastic the way that Stephanie sort of became the symbol for the Downtrodden (in a reality TV kind of way, I’m not talkin’ starvin’ Africans here) and it became almost impossible not to root for her.  Wouldn’t it have been fantastic if she did make it all the way to final two?  She sure is purty.
I was saddened when Ashlee was voted out.  I enjoyed looking at her bulging breasts.
I didn’t like James the redneck.
Even though he seems like something of a childish snobby self-centered, I was moved by Coby’s moment when he talked about his childhood.  Still, I didn’t quite understand what his problem with Tom was?  He seemed to fabricate the idea that Tom was constantly lying and manipulating people and wouldn’t budge from it.  From what I saw, Tom played perhaps the purest game ever, in terms of playing straight up and honestly.
Ian was my favourite player.  I was hoping he’d win.  What a crazy last three or four days for him.  A couple of minor slip ups in what he says and it implodes on him.  The emotional argument he had with Katie was fantastic, even though it made no sense, logically.  it was simple emotion-vomit.  His decision to give up the chance at final two:  I think I understand it, what with respect himself and all, but man…???
Katie made it to final two by riding the coat-tails of two strong players.  That’s fine.  But what lost her the million dollars was her inability to play the other aspects of the game.  She could have still rode the coat-tails but actually contributed more to the community.  That’s where she failed.
Tom deserved to win, hands down.  He totally dominated in practically every way, outplaying everyone.  He was smart, outwitting all without being in their faces about it…and he outlasted.

So, Survivor will never be as good again as this previous season has been.  I’ll have to admit that and never forget when I watch the next bunch of nuts in Guatamala.

Amazing Race also concluded last week.  It too was a great season, thanks almost entirely to Rob and Amber.  They were the season’s heroes, villains and scapegoats all wrapped into one package.  They never forgot what I consider the two most important rules (that I would try and follow if I was playing): never forget that this is a game and that means doing whatever necessary within the bounds of the game to get ahead, and two: respect your partner.
The final episode was very good, glad that Uchenna and Joyce won, but am pretty skeptical about that plane thing at the end.  If you don’t know, I won’t bother explaining it, because, you know… who really cares anyway?

I hate The Aprrentice but I watch it.  I hate American Idol but I watch it.  I watch because I hate.  They both wrap up fairly soon, but I’ll not bother with recaps on those shows.  There, that’ll show them how much I hate them.

I only got to watch the final two performances of American Idol last night, and I am pretty sure I’m glad of that.  I think maybe I enjoy American Idol more if I don’t watch it.  Aw, who am I kidding.  I’d prefer to watch and not enjoy it.

Anyway, I can’t really comment on the performances or the judges or the repartee of last night’s show, but I can probably safely say that: the performances were such that I wouldn’t have enjoyed them (in all the American Idol performances I’ve ever seen, in all the years, the only performance I *enjoyed* was likely Fantasia’s "Child that’s got his own" from last year.); the judges were mostly asanine except for the spot-on Simon; and the repartee was neither repart or partee.

I don’t know how the kicking off works when there’s only four, but I think Carrie and Anthony will be the two who will be on the edge of leaving tonight, with Anthony finally getting the boot, 9 episodes too late.
Really, I have no idea what The Idiotic Masses Of America(tm)’s thinking with this year.  They’re certainly not thinking with their Talent Meters.  Heck, even Bo could go tonight.

I know it’s a politically incorrect term, but when you watch this, I think you’ll agree that it’s somehow apropos.

I had read where Rosie was doing this movie, but I didn’t watch it.  I know that seeing these bits of video out of context isn’t fair, but holy shit.

I just returned from the future – from about 6 hours in the future, to be exact.  I went into the future so I could give you an advanced rundown of tonight’s American Idol televisionistic presentation.

Tonight, on American Idol…

Well, Ryan came out to an unbelievably large audience of maniacal fans.  One sign that stood out to me, held by a chubby 13 year old girl, said:  "Scotty, You Terroridol Me!!"… Cute.  Ryan was wearing a tight black t, with a dark brown suit jacket and dark jeans.  His hair was tossled just so.  He introduced the judges, and while doing so, made an innuendo-joke about Simon swallowing a turnip.  Simon retorted with a comment on Ryan’s lack of any talent for anything.  Oh those two, when are they gonna get married!
Then it was time for Ryan to introduce the pre-recorded segment when he tells the group about tonight’s genre.  He runs in to the Coke Room and shows them all pictures of feces.  After Vonzell guesses "the same type of shit we’ve been singing forever" and Scotty guesses "I hate my dad!", Ryan tells them "No, tonight’s genre is songs that have moved you."  So, you know, that’s gonna be shitty.
First up is Vonzell.  She’s wearing some rock-hard faded denim pants, a navel-showing pink short-t, and a black leather jacket.  She’s chosen  Climax At The End Of Movie from Disney’s animated feature "Humanimal" because, as she says "Climax At The End Of Movie was so great and made me and my Mom cry when we saw it with the twins."  It’s not an uptempo song, so that’s not good.  Vonzell starts off poorly, but by the end hits some incredible high and sustained notes.  Randy didn’t like it, bro, and thinks it wasn’t her best performance.  Vonzell asks him to be a little more articulate in his criticism, and he says, "you know, it was… okay, but not, I don’t know, you best."  Paula starts to talk about Vonzell’s lipstick choice, and how it glistens in the pretty lights.  But as she’s talking, she gets side-tracked by a moth that flutters by.  Simon says she was "absolutely pathetic" and wishes her "dead" for making him sit through that "festering pile of shit".  Ryan comments about how that relates to the theme of the night, then gives Vonzell’s phone number.
Next up is Bo, and Bo’s wearing the rockin’est most rockin’ clothes you’ve ever laid your eyes on.  For tonight’s show, Bo tells us, he’s chosen  Shitty Song from his favourite BlisterMetal band, Trixxiksiks.  His voice sounds a bit raspy, but it doesn’t matter once the bleeding-from-the-mouth starts.  At this point I begin to miss Constantine, as I imagine him singing this song.  Then I realise that the blood that comes out of his mouth would be fake blood.  Bo forgets a few of the lyrics and replaces them with Indian Yelps.  Randy calls this performance "the bomb, man".  Paula purses her lips tight together and begins to make toy-motorboat engine sounds, as spittle flies all about.  Simon declares Bo the King of Bo and all his loyal subjects will no doubt vote him through to the next round.  Ryan comes on and calls Simon "The King of Gay" and Simon retorts with something about how Ryan could be his servant.  Ryan then gives out Bo’s phone details.
Third up is Anthony, or as Ryan calls him "A Dot To The N Dot To The T Dot To The H Dot To The O Dot To The N Dot To The Y Dot…F Dot To the E Dot To The D Dot To The E Dot Again To The R Dot To The O Dot Once More To The V Dot".  Anthony, in his introduction to the song he’s chosen, reminds us that he’s a communist, that he had a tracheal torture  experiment done on him when his family tried to escape Pitymeosk.  He’s chosen Billy Joel’s Piano Man because he loves that he’s still in the competition and this is a song that he could sing.  Anthony does a terrible job of the song and the audience goes crazy when each of the judges says it was terrible.  Even Paula sobers up enough to say it was wonderful.  Ryan reminds us that if you don’t vote for Anthony, the Earth will stop spinning and we’ll all get flung off the earth.
Next is Carrie and she tells us she’s singing Chritina MacCountry’s uptempo song Beaten, Bloodied and Betrothed because she too, knows someone who "once went through the terrible atrocity of wife beating in an entertaining uptempo way".  She sings the hell out of it and the judges all tell her she’s the one to beat.  Nobody gets the joke.  Mostly because none of the judges realised it was a joke.  Ryan says he’d like to beat Simon and Simon says he would like to be beaten by Ryan.  There is an uncomfortable silence as they both, for the first time, speak the truth about their relationship.
Finally, Scott.  He tells us that he has an awful headache and he’s spoken with Jesus about his father, and Jesus said that Scott should punish us for his father’s actions.  Scott lies that he’s chosen Van Halen’s Jump as his song to sing tonight, because, he says, "it moved me, I guess.".  But when Scott comes out on stage, he’s dressed in a long black trenchcoat, and screams that "this is for all the shit!!" and pulls out a semi-automatic machine gun and begins to plug bullets into everyone he can, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs.  Unfortunately the screaming is off-key, and full of trills and bullshit fake-feeling.  Ryan gives us his phone number and bleeds to death.

Bottom Three:  Scott, The Audience, Me for planning to watch.

Leaving on Wednesday:  Scott.

Seacrest, out!

I am battling the demons of redundancy, because in a few short minutes, this post will be so yesterday.  In a few minutes, *America* ™ will have its votes revealed to *America* and we’ll all now (even us Canadians) who got sent home.
So, how’d they perform last night?  Well, read on and I dare you to disagree:

Carrie.  She is so bland.  She’d make a perfect country star.  I swear, she is soulless.  She may look pretty (I don’t really think so), but she is empty.  And what’s with Ryan asking her why she has a hard time remembering lyrics?  I heard it as: "You’re stupid."  And this, coming from Ryan.

Bo.  I despise his taste in music.  But I think he is the most genuine contestant remaining.  He seems like a nice guy, just one with an awful hairstyle and the shitty taste in music to go along with it.  He looked ridiculous, of course, and his singing left me empty.  I was glad to see (and this goes for pretty much the entire show) the judges willing to step up their criticisms a bit.  Paula actually seemed coherently observant about what was happening.

Vonzell.  Yo Yo, dude, you just didn’t do it for me tonight, y’know.  I mean, you ended it up real nice, yeah, but that beginning, dog, that was all pitchy and stuff and, I don’t know, you know, it was good, but it wasn’t good good, you know.  Not your best performance, but it was aiight… I thought you sparkled like a shimmering glisten-stick that was left out in the rain and then had to be brought inside to dry off and eat lemming-pie and you glowed like a blossom in the virgin woods… Okay, thanks, Paurla…listen, if I’m being brutally honest, it wasn’t your best performance (audience boos).  Let me finish.  But saying that, I think you have the endorsement of my brain and you could go very far in this competition….(Idol music up, Seacrest out)…Vonerelli!  Man, I thought you brought it, you are totally dug.  Don’t listen to what Simon says, he’s a man that I kid about loving men.
She started out bad.  Real bad, but ended very well.  That’s just not good enough for me.

Anthony.  Aw, A-Fed, I wish you were long gone.  I wish I didn’t have to hear you get oh so slightly better and more comfortable each week.  I wish you had a stronger voice, so that since the girls and gay boys are keeping you in with their votes, at least you’d be tolerable to listen to.  That’s what I wish.  Perhaps your best performance so far, but so all about nothing.  You’re mediocre.

Constantine.  You had me tricked, those last few weeks, what with your good singing and controlled (barely) ego-pout.  But tonight, the lid came off and I saw you for the sad, sexless, pathetic foot-kickin-into-the-camera guy you are.  It was a bad performance lyrically, and, even though the judges claimed it was a good performance physically, I thought you were so slimy.  I hated your performance, and you… listen…you just have to stop that pout thing, ‘kay?  You spent the whole song last night looking for the camera that was on, and singing into it.  Sing to the audience in the room and let the camera do its work.  Ugh, what a piece of crap that was.

Scott.  Worst. Performance. Ever.  A couple of those notes, ouch.  No doubt, you’re going home tonight, Scott.  Just not good enough.  Even Anthony out-sang you.  Ugh.

Bottom Three:  Scott, Vonzell, Carrie

Leaving:  Scott