Yesterday, our dryer went on life support. It was no longer functioning as a dryer should. We suspected internal damage, perhaps beyond repair. The washer, which has been “married” (but only common-law) to the dryer for maybe 30 years or more, wanted us to unplug her so she could die a natural death.
We couldn’t do that. We still had hope upon hope that there was life yet in the old girl; that she might come out of the coma and once again dry our clothes the way she used to. So soft and fluffy. And warm. We couldn’t let her go. The washer said it’s done (calling her “it” – so cold. And damp) It was an impasse.
So, there we were, last night, the washer was on one side of her, with a full load of damp clothes, already ready to move on to a more modern and attractive model of dryer. I couldn’t believe its cold-hearted detachment. I mean, what is the washer? A machine!? They spent 30 years together, washing and drying in harmony. However it turned out, I knew that I would forever hate that bastard washer from here on. I spent the entire night, on the other side of our darling dryer, sitting vigil, occasionally wiping it off with a fresh Bounce sheet. I just knew she had some life left in her.
Here’s a picture of our princess. See how her mouth is still open, as if she’s wanting to accept damp clothes:
Finally, after an arduous night, the decision was made to call in an appliance doctor and we agreed we’d both abide by his suggested course of action. After a delicate operation, the doctor discovered that her heater was no longer functioning and while there was still power coursing through her, in her current state, she was no longer capable of functioning as a normal dryer. He then said something very hurtful: “As it is now, it’s basically just a big metal piece of garbage. Or art, I suppose.”
I reminded him just how attached we were to the dryer, and that’s when the appliance doctor said he could try and replace the damaged heater for another one (if he even had the proper replacement organ), but couldn’t guarantee how long, if at all, she’d continue to work again.
We were 100% in favour of the operation, and the washer, too, reluctantly agreed that is was worth a shot. So, after the appliance doctor discovered that he did indeed have a proper replacement heater, he went down to the basement to perform the operation. After a gruelling, heart-wrenching 30 minutes, I heard the dryer start! Was it heating?, I wondered. Every step up the basement steps I heard the appliance doctor come, I knew it brought me one step closer to either wonderful or tragic news.
Finally, he came through the basement door.
“All done,” he said oh-so casually.
“The heater working?” I asked, trying to hide my true, desperate emotions.
“Looks like it. Hard to say how long it’ll last, though”.
Music To My Ears. As he began to tell me of another dryer he recently revived, I couldn’t help but think: Whether it’s only one more day of drying damp clothes, or another 30 years, I’m going to treasure every moment I have with that appliance.
So, there you go. Praying does work.
And for those of you who thought Terry Shiavo was merely a mindless shell of a human, I offer you this story as proof that one never knows what is going on inside the mind of a machine. Or a vegetable. Except, well, you know. Probably nothing. Because machines don’t have minds, per se. And vegetables, whether human or actual vegetables, don’t think.
Author Archives: Rob MacD
Worst Episode Ever
Last night’s American Idol was terrible.
The singing was almost universally uninspired. I cannot remember one performance in which I was impressed. Taylor was screechy and bland. Mandisa belted well enough, but the song choice was awful. Ace came close to being good, but failed on a number of attempts to sustain those wispy, heartfealt notes. Elliott started off a bit rocky (he always starts off rocky) and never really gained his confidence (not that he ever seems to have any). Paris seemed nervous and unsure of herself and it resulted in, perhaps, her worst performance to date. Chris did an okay job on his song, but I ultimately was bored by it. Katharine, too, did okay with her song, but I did not like the song at all. Kellie performed well enough to stick around for another week I think. She was, as the panellists informed us, “in her comfort zone” and performed well-enough on yet another song that I hated. Interesting, too, was Ryan getting her to admit that, yes, she is that dumb. Bucky was supposed to be in his comfort zone too, but I thought his performance was terrible.
The judges/Ryan were in some weird World of Pettiness. Usually that can be good for a moment or two, but last night it just seemed ugly. The whole night seemed like visiting a home where you know everybody had just been fighting, but they’re pretending to be cordial, but can’t help slipping in jabs at each other, and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Was it a failed attempt to inject some drama into a night that the producers perhaps suspected (rightly) wouldn’t have any drama from the performers? Or is there real animosity between some of these people?
Simon, more and more each week, looks like he’d rather be elsewhere. Some of his looks imply to me “I can’t believe how incredibly stunned and stupid and infantile you people are.”
Anyway, a very uninspired night.
Bottom Three: Bucky, Katharine, Kellie
Bucky will be leaving the show this week.
Technorati Tags: American Idol
But I’ve Seen Everything
Season 1 of Ricky Gervais’ newest comedy is over and done and old news, but I just found this video of one of the funnier scenes from the whole series.
Patrick Stewart makes perfect fun of himself.
Technorati Tags: Extras, comedy, British TV, Ricky Gervais, Patrick Stewart
My April Fool’s Joke On You All
Oh my god, did you hear the news? Well-Known Celebrity died last night. That is so sad. And I was so looking forward to Well-Known Celbrity’s upcoming movie and/or song and/or book (okay, well, not book, because, seriously, how many authors can be classified as a W-K C?)
Sorry I don’t have a direct link to the news item, but I’m sure if you look on the front page of any news website, you’ll find out all the details. Apparently, it was a drug overdose, which is so unexpected coming from Well-Known Celebrity because of all the charity work s/he’s done.
Okay, can’t keep it up any longer! You guys are all so pwned!!! I made it up! Well-Known Celebrity isn’t dead at all!! Ha Ha!! Ummm, do you remember what day it is today? It’s April First, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day. And I can definitely say that YOU are the fool for being hooked into believing such a ludicrous story. As if Well-Known Celebrity would ever die from a drug overdose.
Huh? Whattyamean I “gave the joke away in the post’s title”?
Oh. Shit. Guess the joke’s on me then, isn’t it. There, you happy now? With that superior, contemptible, pitious look on your face right now. Yeah, okay, laugh at me. I don’t care. You always were such an asshole!
Huh? Whattyamean I “can delete and change the title of the post before I click on the ‘Publish’ button”? What Publish button? Oh, you mean *this* Publish button. And you’re saying I should click on it? Okay, if you say so…
Sketch22 Auditions
Sketch22 is looking for an actor to be part of our show this summer in Charlottetown. To help us in that search, we are holding auditions in the very near future.
Our requirements are that the person be over the age of 19, be available for performances Thursday and Friday evenings July 6-Sept.8, as well as available for rehearsals prior to the production run. We are interested in both male and female actors. Being funny is a plus.
If you want to audition, send an email to jason@sketch22.ca and he’ll set you up with a time.
Rob Picks Idols’ Songs
Based on a comment from Steverino in my post on last night’s American Idol, I’m going to pick ten songs that I think the Idols should have sung. Of course, the songs I pick may not be feasible, from a “palatable to the public”, but more of a fantasy “if they had the same taste as me” thing. And, as an added bonus, I’m going to post some of the more interesting songs I choose (at least until my monthly bandwidth disappears).
For Chris, I’d like him to expand his repetoire away from the moody Creed/Nickleback crap. I’d still like him to rock out, of course, and that’s why I’d have him sing The Pixie’s “Debaser”. He would absolutely wail on that. A song choice like that, of course, would never happen.
One that I could actually imagine happening, if I stretch my imagination thin enough, is the song choice I pick for Taylor. His song choices are pretty good, generally speaking (apart from the atrocious Buddy Holly rendition last week). I’ll keep him very much within his comfort zone, and go with a John Hiatt song. I think he’d be great singing any of Hiatt’s songs, but I think he would blow the world away with his version of “Have A Little Faith In Me”. Oh, I can just imagine it.
I think Paris can sing pretty much anything. Or, maybe she’s just really smart at picking what she can sing. Anyway, I’d like to see her punch, right in the nuts, all those stubs who tell her not to be grown up, to not show her sexuality. To Paris, I give “Kiss” by Prince. My, would she ever have fun with that. Why, I think we’d see Randy blush.
Mandisa is a mystery to me. I don’t know what suits her, really. After this week’s stunt, though, she needs a week where she sings a good song well. She doesn’t have to blast the vocals out of the park, like she tried to do this week. She just has to remind us that she has a fantastic voice. To do this, I’ll give her “Constant Craving” by kd lang.
Elliott needs to pick songs that are a bit easier to sing. He seems to always choose songs (or arranges them in a way) that are tough to sing. He needs to be soulful and contemporary. That’s why I pick “Laura” by Scissor Sisters for him. Not too challenging, vocally, but a song that he could really get into and would really rock the joint.
Bucky, I have a great song for you. Now, at first you’re gonna mumble how it’s not a country song, but friend, country ain’t workin’ for you. Or, rather, you’re not workin’ the country. You need a week where you show us that you belong here. You need to step out of the country and nail a good vocal. I am giving you “Tempted” by Squeeze. I swear to goodness, if you have any talent, and if you do anything close to a good job on this song, you will be my hero.
Kellie, for you I was tempted to give you the song “Oh, Good Grief” by Vince Guaraldi (he of “Peanuts” music fame). Since you’re likely (playing) too dense to get the joke, Kellie, I’ll tell you. It’s an instrumental. Get it? I think your singing is so unintersting, the only thing that would improve it is if you didn’t sing. You do a great job of playing dumb, but it’s time to smarten up. Now, of course, we can’t handle a sudden shift in your personality, so I think “Polyester Bride” by Liz Phair will be the perfect song to start you on the road to being grown up.
Okay, I’m tired. I can’t be bothered to come up with songs for Ace, Katharine or Lisa. What songs would you give them?
American Idol Into The 21st Century!!!
Last night, the American Idol kids (and their Uncle Taylor) performed songs from the 21st Century. Today, as I sit in the early years of that same 21st century, I rank their performances. I will start with the best performance and sink to the bottom of the barrel.
Taylor was the best of the bunch last night. I don’t think I’d like to hang out with Taylor, because I think he’d spend most of the night looking for a microphone to sing into, so he’d be able to rid his soul of some, well, soul. Men need to ejaculate every so often, to relieve the pressure of built up semen. To Taylor, I think soulfulness is his semen. It just builds up in him and he has to release it. Those who tuned in to last night’s show saw him wank off in a pretty controlled way. Simon wanted Taylor to stroke a bit harder, but Taylor said he just wanted to sing tonight, not to show off. I found that to be a very interesting comment and makes me think that Taylor is pretty astute in knowing what he needs to do to make it far in the competition. When I started this paragraph, I honestly didn’t know I’d be heading towards that Soulful Stage Masturbation analogy.
Paris was quite good, I thought. She has incredible stage-presence for a 17 year old, and her voice is always exceptional. As she was shaking her underage booty pretty good at one point, I knew that at least one of the judges would tell her to portray her age more. I am not sure, but I think at least one did. But I think that’s bad advice, or at least, cowardly. I think that advice has more to do with them thinking that their viewers (ie, America) can’t handle sexuality from someone that age.
Elliott was pretty good, I thought. I appreciated the jazzy version of that song he did (I’m always terrible remembering the names of the songs they perform). I did get the sense that he was kind of always singing on the verge of total catastrophe last night, and didn’t look particularly at ease. He strayed away from the proper notes a couple of times, and yeah, his stage presence leaves much to be desired, but I thought he was good. He doesn’t have the face of an Idol, though. A good radio-face, his.
Chris performed his song well, but I was glad Simon called him on singing the same types of songs week after week. Been there, done that, Chris. Now we need to see something else from you. Interesting, too, to hear Simon comment on how a Creed song doesn’t fit in with the American Idol experience. It must be such a tug-of-war for people like Chris and Elliott and Taylor to feel the need to conform to fit the Idol model, yet aspire to keep their individual and unique spirits alive. Wow, what a touchy-feely sentence that was.
Katharine was just okay, I thought. I got a little angry with the way the judges talked up her performance as if it was odorless shit. It’s pretty obvious that they are trying to get her to go as far in the competition as she can, and are more than willing to lie to get her there.
Mandisa did a super job singing her gospel song, but I thought exactly like Simon did. That it was totally self-indulgent. I really didn’t like her for forcing that on us. And yes, I realise that “forcing” is only possible if I don’t have access to a remote or movable legs. But that couch was comfy, and the remote was a bit more than arm’s reach away. So, yeah, I was Forced to listen to her preaching to me.
Bucky did a good job singing his country song. I didn’t like the country song and I don’t like Bucky’s country persona.
Ace has so fallen off the radar. I think his good looks are even starting to fail him. I noticed a few times last night that he’s resorted to those smoldering-sexy-look-into-the-camera moves to try and compensate for his lack of talent. What’s his name from last season did that all the time. And I am gleeful that I honestly cannot remember what’s his name’s name. Gleeful!
I didn’t actually get home in time to see Lisa‘s performance, but based solely on the 5 second recap at the end of the show, I have to say it was awful.
And that leaves Kellie as the worst of the night. Now, maybe her actual singing performance wasn’t as bad as Lisa’s, but overall, Kellie’s deperate attempts to be noticed far outreach the patheticness of any other contestant. You know that scene in some movie, where the aging actress starts to lose her mind, and she sits at the mirror and begins to apply lipstick to her lips, but it’s kind of too much, but rather than wipe off some of the lipstick, she begins to apply even more lipstick, so much so that it begins to cover her whole face, and her eyes get really wide and scary and lost and desperate as she’s grabbing the lipstick like it was a butcher’s knife and she’s swiping wildly at her face with her lipstick and it’s totally smeared all over her face as she begins to wail and have a complete nervous breakdown? Well, that’s what happening to Kellie. Only instead of smearing lipstick over her face, she’s smearing dumb. Right now, the Pickler Smear of Dumbness ™ is being contained to the lips and chin and lower cheekbones, but you can see in her eyes that she’s lost her mind and it’s only a matter of time before she’s completely smeared in dumb. I fear we won’t get to see that ultimate onstage moment, though, as her Idol days must surely be numbered. I realise now that I was wrong in wanting Kevin to leave the show because I actually looked forward to seeing his lack of talent being displayed along with his false sense of importance. Now, for pure potential car-crash shock value, there only Kellie.
Please, America, don’t vote out the Pickler. I want to see her crash!
Bottom Three: Kellie, Lisa, BuckyorAce (probably Bucky)
The one to leave: Lisa. Can’t say I’ll miss her.
Seal Meat Is Seal Murder
Morrissey will not be touring Canada, in protest of our country’s “barbaric slaughter of over 325,000 baby seals.”
Seriously, good for him, for taking a stance.
However, in return, I vow to not listen to any of Morrissey’s solo albums, in protest of his “barbaric slaughter of the good memories I have of The Smiths”.
Now, truthfully, I don’t know how barbaric Morrissey’s solo albums have been, but I assume my knowledge of his solo career is on par with his knowledge of the realities of the seal hunt.
I honestly don’t have much of an opinion on the seal hunt (even though I posted earlier this month on Paul McCartney’s visit to PEI to sing his Sealy Little Love Song). I am not one to invest much concern into subjective “animal rights” issues, so my inclination is to be in support of it, as I think most of the anti-seal hype is based on emotion rather than fact.
As I said, good for him for taking a stance. I look forward to his announcement of not touring in the USofA as a protest of the annual deer cull. Oh, wait, killing deer isn’t a hot-topic issue. Even though sports hunters kill about 1 million Mule Deer and 2 million White-tailed Deer annually (compared to the 325,000 annual quota of seals).
What’s the matter, Morrissey? Aren’t deer cute enough for you? Have you not seen Bambi?
Go Fish
I uploaded my first small movie to YouTube. I may have posted a time-restricted link to it here before, but now it’s on YouTube and available to the entire world. It’s “Go Fish”, a little western drama featuring my son and his friend. It was filmed on my Canon digital camera and edited in Windows Movie Maker, so, yeah, it’s a bit rough. Still, though, it’s got some fun elements. The occasional long pauses are intentional, as I was trying to create dramatic tension. I’ll leave it up to you as to whether drama was achieved.
American Idol – 50’s Week Didn’t Suck!
When I learned it was going to be a 50’s theme for American Idol this week, I shuddered at the potential awfulness of the performances. And then when I learned that Barry Manilow was going to be involved, my shudder became a full-blown fever of fearful expectation.
Well, I was wrong. Most of last night’s performances were pretty good, and the interpretations of the songs (thanks in part to Barry, who seems like a super smart arranger) were much better than I anticipated they’d be.
Onto the singers:
Mandisa – She always has a pretty face, and last night her very pretty face was surrounded by a fantastic hairstyle. She wore a slimming black dress that did an amazing job of taking attention away from her oh so large posterior. Of course, the camerapeople helped too, by not zooming in on it. (and yes, I realise there’s a joke there about how, with the size of her ass, could the cameras *not* zoom in on her ass – her ass is a constant zoom shot, but I won’t go there. I just won’t) Her performance was stellar. She’s been progressively improving each and every week, and her first week starting point was already top-notch, so she’s a threat to win it all. Except, you know, she has a huge ass that America will never allow to become top Idol.
Bucky – I realised last night that Bucky doesn’t sing. He rasps. And he often rasps out of key. I thought his performance of Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy” was pedestrian and bland. While it may have been a good song choice to fit his style and personality, I don’t think it’s a good choice to show off his singing (lackof) abilities. Hmm. Since he’s not a great singer, maybe a song that doesn’t show his lack of ability is a great choice. Anyway, not very good tonight, Bucky. And I’m partly saying that because I cannot get past your hair, both on your face and on your head. Awful. He’ll be Bottom Three.
Paris – She looked fantastic and she sang “Fever” even better. I thought she rocked. She seems so incredibly in control of her stage presence that it is frightening to think she’s just 17. Wow, great performance.
Katherine – I’ve not yet liked anything that she’s worn. None of her tops seem to fit properly, like she’s trying to keep the secret from her mother that she’s pregnant. She looked pretty great last night, though, in an ill-fitting dress. From the introductory segment on her experience with Barry, I was expecting to not like her song and song choice, but she did a super job. Maybe the best I’ve seen from her. She’s always in danger of bombing, I think, but last night she more than rose to the occasion.
Chris – My (and others) odds-on favourite to win the competition. His rendition of I Walk The Line was superb. If that was recorded today, it’d be a radio hit tomorrow. Guaranteed. This guy has it all and should be one of the final two. Wonderful job.
Lisa – Apart from Kevin, Lisa is, in my opinion, the least talented of the remaining performers. Some nights she shows glimpses of her potential, but last night it was a pretty uninspired performance. She’s a Bottom Three finalist tonight.
Taylor – Taylor should be hoping that his fans remember the excellent performances he’s done in previous weeks because last night was terrible for him. A terrible song choice, much too repetitive and not very challenging, vocally. He tried to sell it, though, as best he could, but I didn’t buy it at all. One of the evening’s three worst performances, but he’s built up enough good Karma to not be in the bottom three tonight.
Elliot – This was the most difficult song choice of the night, in terms of being a vocal challenge. Elliot always seems to choose the most difficult songs and I’m never sure he succeeds in pulling them off. Last night, he had moments where he seemed out of synch with the music, like he was trying to rush through his lyrics. He seemed quite nervous early on, but by halfway through the song, he found the groove and was pretty sharp to the end. I loved his honesty, though, about not really digging Manilow’s songs. Good for him.
Kellie – I absolutely hated this performance. Maybe I’m soured on Pickler (get it?), but I seem to have lost any ability to adore her naive stupidity any longer. I wonder when America will tire of her? I thought her Walking After Midnight was very much a “by the book” performance, without heart or feeling. Barry is all about finding the story of the song, and singing the emotion behind that story, and she totally failed, in my opinion. She should be a Bottom Three, but America will love her ditziness for a few more weeks, before they crash from her sugar-rush sweetness. No, wait. I’m changing my mind. She’ll be a Bottom Three contestant tonight. America is tiring of her. Just wait and see!
Kevin – I’ve voiced my opinion of Kevin a few times. Basically, I don’t think he belongs in the competition, and the only reason he is there is because he’s willing to play along with the “untalented nerd pretends he’s sexy and talented” angle. Last week, he did an okay job with his song (still it was the worst of the week, IMO). Last night, his performance was actually pretty good. Great song choice for him, and performed as well as he could perform it. Enough to keep him around for another week (or two?). I loved Simon’s noncommittal comment about how his performance will really be appreciated by those who like Kevin’s performances.
Ace – Oh, Ace! You are free-falling to the bottom of the talent pool. Expectations were so high for you a few weeks ago, but a couple of poor performances since have made people look past your oh so pretty looks. Maybe our ears were blinded (huh?) by your beauty all along. Maybe you were always just mediocre? Anyway, this week was a bit better than weeks past, enough to keep you safe from the Bottom Three (unless America has a hate-on for you, in which case you’re sunk).
Bottom Three – Bucky, Kellie, Lisa
Contestant to leave – Lisa
Technorati Tags: American Idol
